Everquest Guilds
Guilds typically have various life cycles and in the time frame of Everquest there’s a certain level of fragmentation, culture shifts, and paradigm shifts in overall guild structures as the game has changed over the years. This is meant as an overview into the basic structures of guilds.
Noobie Zone
All starting cities in Everquest have a noobie garden where players of old started. Everyone was equal, and as they climbed to discover other players they would unite to form groups and eventually guilds. This is where the noble savage existed in Everquest if one ever existed.
Early Years
Very early in the game there were “proto guilds” that didn’t really accomplish much that survived and died in the early years. Some early game proto guilds would go on through various phases of modernization. There were other more established guilds that came in from other games like Ultimate Online in the Original Everquest. “Proto guilds” don’t necessarily include the more organized guilds, but did co-exist with “proto guilds.”
Auction House
These were “over glorified /auction” guilds that were created as merely an auction channel. For the most part they died out relatively quickly as they never maintained an internal culture as the /auction command and early places would gravitate toward more market based zones such as East Commons or Greater Faydark to buy and sell goods.
Proto-Role Playing
These were identified by a specific faction such as “evils” or “goods.” The term “proto-role playing guild” refers to the most early guilds that proliferated and eventually died off. More successful Role Playing Guilds tended to have multiple thematic races rather than one. Only a few single race die hard “Proto-Role Playing guilds” existed up through the Shadows of Luclin era before dying off to more well organized Role Playing Guilds with more open recruitment.
Small Group Guilds
These were Proto Guilds that would exist as nuclear guilds for either small clusters of friends, boxers (people playing multiple characters), and were often casual players or players “between guilds” or leveling. Some of these guilds would go onto become very powerful raiding guilds or family guilds, this was the building block of Everquest.
Open Recruitment Guild
A “viral” recruitment type of guild that would shout out for recruitment and take anyone in, the member fluctuations in these guilds would often fluctuate according to their evangelism and ability to maintain recruits. Some had varied histories and are often remembered as “my first guild” as they seen as necessary building blocks of early server identity.
Open Raids
Not particularly a guild, but open raids were often hosted by one or more guilds to kill Nagafen or Vox. They were often done in an orderly fashion to raid the target, distribute the loot, and then call off the hunt. Loot distribution was with /random.
The First Great Wave of Organization
As the Ruins of Kunark and Scars of Velious forced guilds to adapt and revolutionized the game with increased content for raiding. The keyed zone Veeshan’s Peak required a level of organization beyond Nagafen and Vox and sparked new types of guild arrangements. The game introduced Epic Quests, Faction on a more prolific scale, and several other mechanics that required greater cooperation between players. This shifted the locus of control away from smaller subsets to greater and greater centralized authorities.
When the planes and the like were released there was alliances and even early races for the content. Servers began to either become “race” oriented or rotation oriented that scheduled who got what raid zone. Most used a hybrid system of sorts between the God Planes placed in Early Everquest to Kunark and Halls of Testing were on rotation while everything else “was open season.” Racing often encouraged either diplomacy or a Hobbesian “war of all against all” where players would train mobs and do anything to get at their coveted raid mobs. More civilized races were just a numbers game and who engaged the mob first. The fastest and most ruthless guilds often were the most successful. GM’s would broker content between guilds, or officers could share content.
Roleplaying Guild
These were often more open to select racial, class, and other such characteristics than their prototype counter parts. So evils and the like could join more easily and group within the guild and build relationships. Only a handful of “Proto-Roleplaying Guilds” existed for single races, often with a few diehard members and alternative characters rarely played.
Family Guilds
The first large scale family guilds began to rise, most out of either the Small Guild formation or transition away from the Open Recruitment Model. A few Roleplaying Guilds or Proto-Roleplaying Guilds have been known to make the jump. These had a focus on group content and raising up players from their humble beginnings. However, strains would often come as players would not keep pace with each other and want more from the game’s content. These internal divisions would often tear these guilds a part or force them to become raiding guilds with different arrangements for older players.
Raiding Guilds
The first “modern” raiding guilds were refined during the Ruins of Kunark where greater amounts of cooperation created social systems that required more central control by a select few leaders of Guild Leaders and Officers. Some still remained as “family guilds” or “casual guilds,” while others transitioned into higher playtime and more results focused groups that became the “Uber tier” or “high end” or “end game” guilds.
Guild Alliances
These were used in early Everquest, but as the need for manpower rose up higher so did the need for greater organization. Guilds develop their own political identities and cultures, and some were unwilling to forfeit or unknowing whether to abandon their identities and merge. So as a compromise guilds would align themselves together in various degrees and raid content. Some of these alliances still exist today, but they are woefully less prominent than they once were. Relationships between guilds could often become cracked and would splinter alliances from politics or internal guild conflicts that would grow into either one guild subverting the other and the like. Interguild rivalries hardened as identities and membership numbers were tied to success. Success in raiding meant bringing in loot, and bringing in loot meant racing. As there was no instanced content, guilds would vie in a Darwinian struggle or force in new systems such as guild rotations for content.
Open Raiding System
These had less organization as semi-alliance systems where anyone could participate, but they often had their own identities as systems. Specific servers would maintain for many years an Open Raiding System, other servers would have various start up organizations. Some raiding guilds and family guilds would continue to run Open Raids in a nonsystematized manner.
The First Wave of Reorganization and Integration
Between the period of Ruins of Kunark, Scars of Velious, and Shadows of Luclin there was a rise in the first wave of Reorganization and Integration. The vast movement was a spike in the population between “uber” and “casual” that would rend guilds a part. The first targets were often the family guilds that would want to transition into raiding, some would succeed, other guilds would die. Smaller guilds died out as their members joined larger organizations. Family guilds would persist through, but many of the strongest would die. The raiding game also splintered and weaved more and more into tiers as more expansions were released.
Rotations on some servers like Rathe were built into the system as a type of social democracy that
enabled weaker guilds to co-exist along side stronger guilds. The more “racing” oriented guilds where a guild had to get their numbers to the particular mob had more guilds die from external conflict than internal conflict. There have been cases known of “Griefer Guilds” that would use training to the extreme and such a vile culture would create a system where Game Masters would disband guilds or in case on Luclin a vigilante raiding system was orchestrated to deny Ancient Crusade mobs to raid. This led to the destruction of Ancient Crusade by external factors.
Family Guilds
Known as “family guilds” or casual guilds, these were places where starting players would come in to learn the game, get quests done, and ect. Epic Quests and Halls of Testing armor from Scars of Velious were often necessary to transition into raiding guilds. The main locus of problems that arose with Halls of Testing was the three faction split in Velious where guilds would shift from Claws of Veeshan and Coldain factions against the Giants to pro-Giant and against the Claws of Veeshan and sometimes Coldain. The guilds would focus away from Kunark to keying for Sleeper’s tomb, held by dragons, to raid Sleeper’s Tomb for Avatar Weapons and then transition to raiding North Temple of Veeshan. Depending on player’s playtime, this created two factions in guilds with the haves and the have nots.
As the guild would have a greater amount of people that wanted to raid “other content” while others “felt unprepared” to go into the new content would form factions in a guild and tear them to shreds and leave few guilds. Guild leadership would often have a choice, to transition out of Epic Farming and HoT Farming and go to Sleeper’s Tomb and North Temple of Veeshan or remaining a “middle tier” guild and continue a slow crawl upward. This created the reorganization and reintegration of guilds as they began to split into new tiers and different guilds or remake the old guild into a raiding guild.
“Low Tier Raiding Guild”
A low tier guild was often a Family Guild, small Guild Alliance, or very early start-up raiding guild that would remain in the lowest possible content necessary to raid that had rewards available. These were seen as recruiting grounds for the Middle Tier Raiding Guilds and sometimes the High End Raiding Guilds.
“Middle Tier Raiding Guild”
This is commonly a “family guild that raided” or a “start up guild” that wasn’t up to end game tier. This was the “great middle class” of the game, the expanse where the “rest of raiding society” was a part of. These guilds were robust enough to maintain cycles in recruitment, and some would fall by the wayside through internal strife or external strife. These guilds maintained order in their own ranks, and were tiered by content. The “Uber” or “High End Tier” would set the pace for the rest of the server, since they were more organized, better equipped, and more speedy to “open content” they would quickly pace through the middle end and force the middle end often to wait until they were done with content. This furthermore reinforced the pecking order on servers, and to a degree “choked up” the line of progression.
Their cultures often varied as did their looting systems. Some were “family oriented” by maintaining a “casual” structure with no required raid time, others maintained hard raid times. Often the harsher recruitment requirements such as “requiring Epic 1.0” was determined by past guild experiences that destroyed previous guilds. Middle Tier guild recruitment policy was not “open end” and would require more often longer app periods, more sponsors, and other requirements to keep guilds from becoming too large.
“Uber” or “End Game Tier Raiding”
These were cutting edge guilds that were on the brink of the latest content available to players. These were the best of the best. Their guild cultures were as varied as their recruitment policies and required raiding times. Some required 6pm-12am raiding 7 days a week. The raiders would push hard into the nights to raid, while Middle Tier would push into the wee hours of the morning, these people did it more often and built an identity around it. The guilds would take in membership from the Middle Tier and more rarely the Lower Tier, depending on the sentiment of the guild’s culture and the particular applicant. However, the cycle to “poach” or recruit actively inactively was set there by both self-interest of the individual and the guilds involved. Some guilds would even try and poach members from each other’s guilds by offering incentives.
The allure to be and remain number one was strong as was their pride. These became the first true aristocracy of the game, where reputations were won and lost on the battlefield. Guild identities were the strongest. Some of these guilds were loved, others hated, and all were feared and respected.
“Griefer Guilds”
These were guilds that had a reputation for “do anything to get ahead” and the monicker could be applied to any guild in the spectrum. What they did have was a focus on “getting ahead by any means” and often would face political backlash ranging from board wars in server Flames and Rants sections to even outright vigilantism in the case of Ancient Crusade on Luclin. While they have always existed in one form or another, they took greater importance during this time period and developed as a part of the reputation and culture of specific guilds. Even in the virtual world “Axis of Evil” existed to which no form of “Shock and Awe” would stop especially the more hermetic and chimerical of these guilds. It was either crush them or force them into a negotiating position.
Thursday, February 26, 2015
The Quon, His Unique Worldview, and the Origin of the Purple Club
The Quon was a high elf cleric in 2003 that gain notoriety for politically incorrect views about teaching the world about the greatness of The Quon. He helped to establish a meme with the "purple club" where a cleric would heal whenever the player character would be knocked unconscious and then brought back up to full health. The Quon and eventually his site fizzled out after roughly a year, his works still live on through archives.org and other sites preserving this quirky writer. There has been some theory that both Quon and Skater Gnome are the same person. Whomever JasonS14 is or was on ezboard, he is now long lost to the aether of the internet..
The original texts can be found through this link in the wayback machine:
https://web.archive.org/web/20030424144849/http://pub21.ezboard.com/bquon91516
The Quon teaches the classes to the masses.
As a part of The Quons ongoing mission to bring a deeper sense of understanding and shit to the peeps of Norrath, I’m dropping the first in a series of definitive class breakdowns.
Bards – Band geeks who’s natural defense involves a drum and blurry feet. Sounds like the wet dream of half of VI’s geek ass dev team. On the aesthetic tip, The Quon digs the female bard in a big way, not a dog race in the bunch. As a class though, they have one of the worst naming track records in the game. Seriously..Notes, Chords, Melody, and such shit. C’mon, if I see one more Bard with some name like Halfnote McSongandDance or Minstril St.PolkaSinger, The Quon’s gonna SL the whole class just on general principle. Not like that would matter much. When’s the last time anyone actually hunted with a Bard anyway? I catch Mana Song whiffs every now and then around the nexus or in the GY’s in PoP, but The Quon sure as shit never groups with one. I’m guessing there’s a Swarm Kiting zone out there where they follow each other around in a clockwise circle jerk for xp. Fun. But I miss them, if only cause I want to bust out my old hot key, “Play mana song and rub my feet.”
The Quon’s general heal strategy for Bards: Hit ‘em with a Celestial periodically as a gesture of good will, and if they insist on selfishly requiring the MCs valuable mana I wait until they’re at 40% and i send them a /tell to “run!!”. Then I giggle my ass off.
Beastlords – The Quon can count with his nuts the number of times he’s grouped with these aberrations. But it seems like every fourth rez request is from one of these freaks who’s all like “I need your help”. If they pays, The Quon plays. Beastlords are another class dangerously close to mass Shit Listing based on having the most stupid names per capita. Petme SoftPuss, Catank, Tigerlily Growlinflower, WTF? The only way someone would invite a name like that to a group is if the group leaders were Seigfried and his man-toy Roy.
The Quon’s general heal strategy for Beastlords: After I rez one, Celestial usually does the trick. In group? Who the fuck knows?
Way more after the break :)
Druid – Nature luvin piss ants. If you really want to keep Norrath beautiful, bring along a shovel to pick up after my horse while you wait for someone to call EVAC. Druids are the exiled pimp class of the nation. Never has a class had it so good for so long. And never has a class taken the pipe so deep and so hard and deserved it so much as these assclowns did. Druids are so out of style now I half expect to see them sporting Mullets and Parachute pants. Hell, the only worthwhile port a Druid can do now is for himself, back to a time when his shitcan class was relevent and fun. And Druids…listen up. Don’t over-write The Quons buffs. Don’t try to drop your second rate CH in front of me. It’s just embarrassing. And more than a little sad. On a different note The Quon has a question. Why does it seem like droods can’t even wipe their asses unless Tunare tells them too…it’s always “By Tunares will this” and “By Tunares might that”. By Tunares mouth they toss The Quon’s salad… it’s all holy roleplaying until they’re gargling The Quon’s ‘SoW potion’ in the back alleys of Shadowhaven.
The Quon’s general heal strategy for Druids: None. Your heal’s the shizz? Then use it on yourself.
Enchanter – I suggest that SOE make chanters start out at level 60 with KEI already memmed in their spellbooks. Prior to lvl 60 your only duty is to wear a skirt and look pretty. Even after 60 there is no need for you to be in a group, just cast KEI on us and beat it, go make some earrings or sit in the corner and whine about being useless. Maybe if your nukes had more punch than a snowball in summer I’d let you group with me, or if your pet could find it’s own ass with a map and a ranger tracking for it. No shit, those animations should come with head gear and a Power Ranger backpack. Lastly, If you are a male and playing an enchanter delete that pansie ass toon right now, WTF were you thinking? All the Charisma points in the world won’t make me like these asshats.
The Quon’s general heal strategy for enchanters: None. It’s like trying to grab a piece of toilet paper as it’s swirling down the Crappa. If they can’t “bedazzle” their way out of trouble then pfuck ‘em and their short bus pets.
Magicians – All Mage’s should line up in the hallways of Nexus like condom machines in a bathroom. To be truly useful to the Quon you will need to be able to summon the following: A Woodelf Honie with chest guns the size of West Karana, a stripper pole, a phat pile of dollar bills, and a case of Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull 40’s. The problem with these Mages is that The Quon has to ask for the shit. The instant The Quon joins a group with a Mage, he should be seeing a trade window with all the stuff that is of benefit to The Quon. Does the Quon look like a Mage to you? NO! How the phuck am I supposed to know what you have to offer? Show the Quon, dazzle him. Or else, just summon a spoon and eat the Quon’s ass.
The Quon’s general heal strategy for Magicians: Let’s be real, The Quon watches the little green bar under the Mage’s closer than he watches the Mage’s. Yo, if the pet would stick around after a Mage died the Quon wouldn’t even bother with a Rez.
Rangers – This one is just too easy, the Quon almost feels guilty rippin on Rangers. No matter what the Quon says about Rangers its been said before. No class has more emotional and physical scarring than the Ranger, the only choice is for The Quon to settle for picking open your scabs. Let’s get real, Ranagers are the only class that could save considerable play time by creating a /consent Hot Key. Rangers should get an AA ability that would automatically spawn their corpse at the groups camp, would save everyone some friggin time. The Quon does group with Rangers though from time to time cause its wicked funny when one of their stray arrows catches a Druid in the eye. It’s also funny to watch when it starts to rain or something and the Ranger loses HP’s. It’s like hunting with Bubble Boy. Female Ranger? Make yourself useful by foraging up a condom so the Quon can get his freak on, awwwww yeaaa. Male Ranger? Forage up a pair of pretty pink panties and put them on so it’s easier for the Warrior to find your corpse, cause you know you’ll get beat down too fast to get a /loc.
The Quon’s general heal strategy for Rangers: Open spellbook, look waaaaay in the back for Greater Heal. That’s all The Quon is willing to commit. Sometimes though, when The Quon has been getting his drink on, he’ll toss The Big Heal Bomb on a Ranger for shits and giggles. And while I do it I scream in both group and say, “Who’s a big boy?…Who’s a big boy???”. Sadly enough though, to get the Big Heal Bomb to land in time, The Quon has to start casting the night before.
Paladin – Self proclaimed “Holy Warriors” of EQ. First off, these 2nd class meat shields have the sweetest scam in the whole game short of the whole “Rez in my pocket” thing. Lay Hands is mad brilliant. “Hey, get your hands off my tits!” “Awww girl, I’ve gotta touch ya to heal ya.”
The problems start when they do that shit to everyone. Male, Female, Ranger, whatever. For that reason, if there was a big ass shower in EQ and we all had to clean off after fights like it was gym class and shit, The Quon sure as hell would have his soap on a motha phuckin rope around The Paladin. It’s all Truth, Honor, Integrity and shit until some young half elf exposes the Brown Eye, then its like a prison movie. Don’t be all like “But The Quon, I’m really not gay, you’re just looking a little under the weather, let me rub it better…” I swear to god if you ever inspect my equip, I’m gonna light your shit up, Yo. Oh, and if the shiat really hits the proverbial fan and The Quon looks like he may die, don’t even THINK about Lay On Hands for The Quon. You’ll just get a fist full of Divine Aura to grind up on.
The Quon’s healing strategy for Paladins: The Quon keeps these phucks alive, he just does it from a distance.
Rogue – The Quon has an uber Bracer of the Hidden just for See Invis cause these mutherphuckers will sneak up on you like a yeasty queef in the night. They’ll poke those tiny fingers up under your nose and shit and be all like “smell that”. The Quon don’t fall for that shit, he knows you stick your fingers up that Orc’s ass while you’re trying to pickpocket. And The Quon knows it ain’t no accident. When The Quon was younger and newer to the ways of EQ love, he hooked up with this Halfling Rogue chick. She was mad nutty and had hands like one of those little diaper wearing helper monkeys. We got to it and she was all over The Quon, talking nasty in that secret Thief language about some shit The Quon didn’t care about and sticking her fingers in every opening The Quon has. The Quon was hella turned on until she put her finger in his mouth. The Quon is dry heaving now thinking about. Plus it’s a motha phuckin fact that they don’t take care of their cha cha’s if you get The Quons meaning.
Any time a rogue is in The Quon’s group he send them a /tell right off, “Yo asspoker, if you want healed after you take a beatin because you can’t control your own aggro you best be splittin that Pickpocket money with The Quon, 50/50 biatch. That doesn’t include the DoT money you owe me either.” Respect.
The Quon also likes to dog them about their poisons. “So you dropped mad cash and farmed green mobs for weeks to hit that mob with a 300 hp dot? Whoops, The Quon accidentally cast Sound of Force…220 damage and a stun for next to no mana, whoops, just did it again.” Pwnd.
The Quon’s healing strategy for rogues: Evade motha phucka. If the rogue has forked over phat platz then they will get a celestial here and there as needed, if not they better have a piercer that summons bandaids and shit.
Shadowknight – Not quite a Warrior and not quite a Necro. More often than not The Quon gets to group with the one who’s gotten the Warriors brains and the Necros hp’s. WTF? Transvestites have less of an identity crisis. Don’t even try to play like you didn’t choose a SK because you thought it had a “cool” name.
Every time The Quon sees a SK he wants to bust a cap in their ass. SK’s should come in 12 packs cause they are about as useful as a busted condom once they’ve spent their HT load. The Quon could watch for the Harm Touch message and then be all like “NEXT!” and cycle those dozen candy asses through the group with mad haste. The 11 not in the group could entertain The Quon by /oocing words of amazement at eveything The Quon does…”Damn, The Quon can heal like a motha”…”Damn that’s some good sitting”, or making sure nothing is in The Quon’s way when he trains the zone out.
Did you know that Knights have pets ? /boggle. That gimped animation has to /kneel before enchanter pets. I guess SOE gave them pity pets cause they knew a SK would never get a group. Seriously, have you ever seen a SK that didn’t have LFG next to their name? For the longest time The Quon thought LFG was some kinda weird SK only guild. One of The Quon’s favorite games is inviting a SK to the group, especially when he is somewhere remote like Sebilis and shit. They ALWAYS come, tails waggin and shit. When they finally arrive I’m like “dude, sorry, The Quon thought you were a warrior.” After they calm down The Quon’s all like “Do you have 11 friends?”
The Quon’s healing strategy for ShadowKnights: If they fool The Quon and act like a Warrior they get The Big Heal Bomb. If at any time they do anything that clues The Quon in, it’s Celestials all freakin night.
Warrior – Charter members of The Purple Club. When The Quon dreams at night it’s mostly about Wood Elf bangtail, but every now and then, The Quon has a nice dream about a phat Barbarian Chick Warrior with chest guns like throwing boulders all walking like she’s got two Halflings grappling to the death in her kilt, cold rocking 7,500 solid HP’s and AC like The Quons SAT’s (All 1500 and shit…yeahhh),and more Taunt than my drunk uncle on Thanksgiving. She does the purple dance on every single pull and is healed for 7,490 hp’s every time. The Quon says “fetch” and she’s off like a shot. The Quon says “ouch” and she’s got him in her arms nestled all snug up in her grill like The Quon was a baby again and shit. The Quon says kill and she goes all bitchcakes on whatever The Quon wants dead. But that’s a phucking dream and The Quon knows it.
The reality is that most warriors have got 5 brain cells and 4 of those are fighting over which one gets to beat the shit out the other 1, who’s giggling, drooling and playing with himself over in the corner. When one of The Quons in-bred cousins stays over and begs The Quon to let him try EQ, what class does The Quon make him play? You know it. The Quons all like “put down the banjo and walk over to that orc and hit that button. Do that FOR-FUCKING-EVER. Boooya, now you’re Cletus, Champion of Norrath, biatch.”
The Quons healing strategy for Warriors: No hating here. The Big Heal Bomb was made for this shit. But you’d better come correct with the equipment. Don’t make The Quon feel like he’s over healing. Cause The Quon has no qualms about busting out Supernal Elixir on your ass and broadcasting his heal message to the whole zone AND your guild boss. “Supernal Elixir for this weak ass 62 Warrior cause The Big Heal Bomb is a phucking waste…”
Necros — These cats bug The Quon worse than the crotch crabs he got from that time he dropped a Felwithe Steamer into that shit-ass nasty crapper in the Grobb Warrior’s Guild. Everybody can picture the asshat behind the keyboard playing these maladjusted spank-off artists. He’s that spoiled only child, who’s parents were like 50 and shit when they squirted him out. He always had the coolest toys but couldn’t tolerate anyone else phuckin’ around with them so he sat alone in his room playing Air Hockey all by himself and telling himself that he was the coolest and better off alone and shit.
Give The Quon a phuckin’ break. You Necros solo’d around for 3 years, turning your nose up at grouping cause you could, basically playing your own separate game. And now you come groveling to PoP, all “What up! I love me some groupin’!” and shiat. Necros give their gimped grouping skills away in the first 10 minutes every time though. They’re the only ones in the group talking with /say instead of /group. Cracks The Quon up every time. And there’s nothing funnier than a Necro in a PoJ Trials group. You should feel guilty looting the mark because you know all you did was pump out mana and quiver against the wall trying not to aggro anything.
And another thing, when you /ooc LFG to a zone, don’t lie about all the shit you can do for The Quons group. Ghetto Crowd control…Mana Regen…Healing. Enough with that shit. Twitch mothaphucka, Twitch. Let’s dig on the skillz that Necros have been laying down all these years. Make pet. Fear mob. Sic pet on mob. Dot. That’s some fun shit yo. I take that back, there is one other spell that The Quon likes. It’s Dead Man Floating, cause the bobbing up and down makes The Quon feel like he is pumping a little WoodElf Scootie. Speaking of pumpin’, The Quon has got to admit that necro chicks are some phreaaky biatches when it comes to cyber. Shit, when The Quon feels like getting nasty, he just strolls on over to Neriak, gives out a /shout “The Quon is here, biatches gather”, and The Quon just lays back and soaks up the blue luvin yo. Sometimes he throws some salt on the back of his DE Necro Honie of choice and pretends he’s launching his shuttle into deep space.
By the way, The Quon sends an e-mail to Sony every phuckin’ day asking them to make the Katta guards, shit, all guards, have a zone wide agro on these corpse phuckers that even FD won’t wash away. The Quon still remembers the times as a young’un when he was limping to the guards for a little help and not phuckin’ making it cause some clownshoes Necro is kiting them around the zone.
The Quons Healing Strategy for Necros – None. Root and scoot biatch. Sit in the corner and hump roadkill till you feel better.
Wizards – /Nuke…First Aggro : 300mana
/Nuke…Second Aggro : 400 mana
/Nuke…Wizard corpse : Priceless
The Quon prays to himself everyday that every single mob these phucks solo would magically wake up tomorrow with the gift of Summon. That would be hella sweet. All at once, Norrath would be filled with the deafening sounds of your collective screams and the sound of The Quon giggling his ass off.
The Quons favorite pastime as of late is to pop into Maidens Eye, cause that’s where these phucktards quad kite en masse, and /shout “Paying 10k for a Team Manaburn on Ragefire.” And then 10 seconds later, /shout “Oh snap! The Quon forgot you choads don’t have that anymore. Forget The Quon said anything. Peace.” It’s hella fun and never gets old.
Root, Nuke, DS…whatever. Your job in The Quons group is to toss a nuke or 2 out and evac when The Quon wants some White Castle. Don’t get fancy. Don’t say shit. Don’t ever, ever ask The Quon for a buff. If you get in on a BoA? You’re a lucky mothaphucka. Don’t push it by bugging me for spell haste. Shake off my Aego for a shitcan Druid buff? Then you forfeit all heals. May as well gate out now. The Quon remembers a day when you could actually tell when old Merlin had cast a nuke, you could see the Mob’s health bar take a substantial hit. Now, Wizards are about as lethal as a paper cut. The Quon’s advice to Wizards is to TL back to level 29 where you had at least the power of a double A battery.
The Quons Healing Strategy for Wizards – Are you getting beat down in the middle of evac? The Quon will take care of you. Otherwise? You best be shadowsteppin your ass off cause you don’t get heal mothaphuckin one from the MC.
Shaman – These buttcorks used to be the quiet little brother of the Priest family. All respectful and shit and washing the stains out of The Quons drawers for brownie points. Then Slow became the shiznit and all the sudden these phucks are trying to knock off Clerics as the king pope among Priests. The Quon says bring that shit on. You Shammies wanna fight? Stick your head up The Quons ass and fight for air. The big battle is already over though, by the way. You lost. And the Druids didn’t even get to the Arena. They got disqualified when the judges found a gallon of The Quons Sow Potion in their stomachs. The Quon was in a PoV group just last night when the following words were dropped cause he had to leave. “Well let’s call it then. I don’t feel like winging it with Druid or Shammy heals”. A big phat word booty to that. Seriously, Shammies heal like a lvl 24 Druid with Epilepsy.
And Canni. The Quon doesn’t care how cool that shit is, under no circumstance will The Quons mana be considered less important than a Shammies. Most Shammies are all like “Well don’t heal me then. I’ll just Torpor.” Well duh mothaphucka. You wanna eat your own asses till you get low health agro and die? Tight. The Quon cares not.
And don’t get The Quon started on Slow agro. When The Quon drops The Big Heal Bomb, he’s prepared to receive affection from a hard, pipe hitting mothaphucka. The Quon accepts this like an MC cause that’s what The Quon is. Shammies get Slow agro and you’d think they were playing Duck, Duck, Mothaphuckin Goose or some shit. When The Quon designs his MMORPG, he’s gonna give Shammies a special animation when they run. Their arms are gonna wave around in the air and their mouth is gonna be wide open like they’re screaming. The Quon doesn’t care if they’re just running to sell. They’ll run flailing and screaming like my little sister does when I rip the heads off her Malibu Stacys.
The Quon’s Healing Strategy for Shaman – An occasional Celestial if it’s a Female Barbarian. Male Shaman? You’d have better luck getting your bear animation to shit in the woods than get a heal from the MC.
Monk – The Quon figures there’s gotta be a questionaire that pops up when you start a Monk. If it determines that you’re over 14 then you don’t get to be a Monk. And when you turn 16, a red light starts flashing on your Monks hand rendering FD useless, so these asshats all go start Shammies. Seriously, you know the average age of Monks in RL is about 9, cause they are always up in your grill with links to their uber weapons, stories about how their guild took down the Sleeper and shit, and then leave the group with a quickness when Mommie comes home. In The Quon’s MMORPG there will be no Dragon Punches and Roundhouse kicks. Your special abilities will align more properly with Monk personalities. Eunich Slap, Groin Grab and Compare, Whirling Limp Wrist, and your ultra Class defining ability the Ball Gag of Death (self only). Also, no longer will FD have you laying on the ground all peaceful and shit while the Mob stands around wondering what to do. Nope, in The Quon’s game every time you FD, your ass will be raised up all nice and high so the Mob can proceed to treat you with proper respect. When the Mob is finished, it will shout Booyyah! and strike a match off your bare ass to light up a smoke. The best part is when your toon finally makes it back to camp it will have a little tear roll down the cheek like that sad old Indian from the trash commercial.
And don’t get The Quon going on lazy Monks that bring adds. If we’re getting adds then you just got sloppy and you better have Complete Mend loaded up for yourself. Oh? That doesn’t exist? Well then you’re fuxxored. And don’t try to FD on inc. The Quon will load light healing and keep you up and dying till he’s laughing so hard he stains his drawers and has to have a Shammie clean em out again.
And Female Monks? FD on The Quons lap with a quickness. He’ll let you know when it’s clear to get up.
The Quon’s Healing Strategy for Monks – The Quon will spend just enough mana to keep your sphincter from bleeding all over The Quon’s camp.
The Quon out
Level 62 Cleric <Quon> Looking for guild !
I know I'll make a great contribution to your guild because I've been a great member of many other guilds. If those guilds weren't so irritating I would still be helping them.
I am not in school anymore so I have a lot of time to play EQ, around 8 to 10 hours a day is pretty normal for me. So, I'll be around to group with you anytime. Even more actually, because when I take a shower or eat, I let my little sister run my toon until I get back. So if she says anything dumb, or doesn't do what she is supposed to, don't blame me for it.. She is pretty good though, she can sit/stand, she knows how to cast spells and she usually doesn't run around, so she won't get lost.
I know tons about the game and am not shy about sharing the wealth, if you know what I mean. Even though I've never been an officer in any of the guilds i've been in, I like to think I was looked up to as a mentor even by people who were higher in levels then me! If you're not playing your class right, i'll be right there to tell you what you're doing wrong so that you can improve right away. It's kinda how I give back to the peeps I hunt with. Teach a man to fish and all that stuff. I'd hope they'd do the same for me if it were possible.
I've hunted in all the best spots Norrath has to offer. Oasis, Lake of Ill Omen, Overthere, Dreadlands, Maidens, etc., I've rocked them all. I've even ventured into a few dungeons like Karnor's Castle, Velks...crazy stuff.
Lately I've been blowing up in the Planes of Power. The Hedge in PoN is the bomb. Close to a zone out and everything. It gives you an idea of how I'm rolling that I can get all the way there from the GY to hunt there though eh?
I'm looking for a situation that will reward my leet skills, time, and knowledge. You know how every guild has an uber MA? He's the guy that gets first dibs on the pimp gear that drops so the guild can get better and stuff? Well I wanna be the MC (main Cleric). I wanna be the number 1 heal slinger in the guild's Cleric stable. To be the best though, I need a committment along the same lines as the MA deal. I want first call on the nice stuff that drops when we start bringing down the big mobs. This doesn't just apply to cleric wearable gear because if it's something for a Warrior I could sell it in the bazaar and use the pp's to buy something for me.
It only makes sense that the guild twink out the MC, without the Quon the group is nothing. So why wouldn't the guild give all it's resources over to help make sure they have the most uber healer in all of Norrath? duh!
There are a few other things that I would want this guild to do to show their respect for me. Not all at once you know, but within the first few weeks. I imagine it's hard to tell everyone in a big guild what to do and whatnot, so It's cool if it takes a little while for the whole guild to get into shape. I'll put a little checklist here for easy reference.
1) Tanks should NOT get ****** off when I am trying to get them into my "Purple Club". The Purple Club is where I try to take the MA's HitPoints so low that he actually goes unconscious and then is brought right back to life. I also sometimes refer to the Purple Club as "Layed Out" because that's what happens, the tank lays down and then stands right back up. It's friggin HARD to do, I have to time the Complete Heal just right. So, WTF is up with tanks getting PO'd at me. I usually can do it about once every 11 tries or so.
2) If you have a problem with me DO NOT take it to guild chat or to the guild officers. Otherwise, I have to spend all my time trying to explain what happened and that doesn't do anyone any good. Just forget it and get back to grinding.
3) I already mentioned that I should get first call on nice drops, I just want to put it in this list for consistency and to stress the importance of the request.
4) Sometimes I have to leave a group or raid unexpectedly. Like when my mom gets on my case or some @#%$ like that. I DO NOT have the time to find a replacement for myself. Don't expect me to. Like you'd tolerate a gimp replacement anyway.
5) Enchanters, please chill on the "HEAL ME" spam when you are grouped with me. Your armor class suxxors, if there is a multi pull i have to use my DA (or Divine Aura if you didn't know) so that I don't die. I CANNOT cast heal until DA wears off so please be patient. And if I'm late...rez inc thanks.
6) If any Dots drop when hunting, I automatically get them so that if someone wants a symbol I have the component. Otherwise, if you want a symbol please open up my trade window with the correct component for the symbol that you want.
7) In addition, I'd like to ML at all times. If at the end of the session, I have more than enough to cover my weeks worth of Dot's then i'll toss out a split.
If there is a guild bank, and there should be or I rescind my application, I would like to be in charge of it. But without the baggage of the title of "Treasurer" which really understates my true stature within any guild.
9) Monks PLEASE announce when you are FD, so that I don't waste my time trying to rez you. That is sooo frickin annoying. I mean really, how hard is it to type "I am FD, do not rez".
10) Rangers, don't even get me started. They should be like my sister...seen and not heard. Seriously, I'd rather spend the mana to rez you then to heal you. You are to melle what a Druid is to healers. No offense though, I'll need you around for tracking and foraging and stuff. When you die, just automatically consent the MA and we'll drag you to our camp spot. It's just easier that way.
11) Speaking of rez, please don't send personal tells to me for a rez. There's just no way that me wasting my time is worth saving a little bit of your time. If a guildie needs a rez, please just put it in guild chat and someone will get to you. Just because im in bazaar doesn't mean I'm not busy. And just ask my last two guilds if you don't believe this, but if you call me out in chat then it's on.
12) No, you have not grouped with me before. I paid that $50 to move to this server last month, so it's very unlikely that you grouped with me in so and so Zone unless you played on Solusek Ro. This is also the reason that my equip is not that sweet yet, and the guild should help me out with some twinkage.
13) If you need a buff from me, please say my name first in the request so that I notice it. Also please write out the name of the spell instead of just the acronymn. If I'm taking the time to open my spell book, mem the spell, find you with the mouse, and cast the buff, and then un-mem the spell, the least you could do is type out the whole name so that it will help me find it faster.
14) And if you're not sure whether your gimpy HP buff will overwrite mine after i've already dropped a bunch of Dots and half a bar of my mana to cast, then freaking ask! Even better, don't cast until you know your class AND mine. Druids and Shammys i'm looking in your direction here.
15) Speaking of Druids and Shammys. I don't call my heals. I shouldn't have to cause no one else should be trying to be the Cleric but the Quon. If you think i'm interrupting my CH cause some druid is busting off gimp 3k CH's? No way...i'll still drop the big heal bomb. And then we're both out of mana.
16) I think since I'm the one keeping the puller alive when they bring back a baddy that they should show respect to me with their pull Hot Key. Example, I pull this <Target> for our great Lord <Quon>", or "<Target> has insulted the great one <Quon>, lets KEEL it !!" And it would be cool if you could use it even if i'm not there. You know, just to spread the gospel and such. Helps with recruitment i bet.
17) Pally's please use your LoH everytime that it pops, it's called "saving the Quon's mana", remember it, do it, and respect it.
1 I'm still missing a lot of spells from level 58 to 62. The guild should really help me get as many as possible. Think about it, all of my spells help YOU, not me. If you want me to help you with the improved spells then YOU should be the one getting them for me. And I may not even use most of them...but i want them just the same.
19) I have a HOT key with my email addy on it. If the @#%$ hits the fan and I have to camp out to save my ***, I ALWAYS hit that hot key. When it's safe to come back, I expect someone in the group to let me know via email. If you don't then everyone in the group immediately becomes a new entry in my personal @#%$ list. I keep that @#%$ on excel and alphabetized, so don't even think you are getting in with a group with me again if your name is on that list. Why the **** do you think I moved servers? I was finding it near impossible to get a group without running into someone on my SL. If you think this is harsh, just think about me on the other side waiting for that email to come in so I can log back. Now that's HARSH!
We all know that most Clerics are the suck. Either they're Bots or some Druid who got pwnd when PoP came out cause he couldn't solo or find a group and PL'd himself a Cleric. MC's like me are hard to come by and that's the reason for the list. Believe me there are other guilds that have expressed interest and i really owe it to <Quon> to be find the best situation in which to drop my skills.
I know most of the guilds I'm working with have an extensive application process and I respect the **** out of that. It's a good thing cause it keeps the assclowns out. But we all know that there's a secret process for instant approvals that can be used for the right situation and i'm that situation. In the 3 weeks your guild ***** around "getting to know me", I'll already be rocking the high-end content with another guild. So work fast.
My main is a 62 cleric named "Quon". Cause that's what i want..."The Quon". I want the respect, I want the platinum, I want the excitement, and I want the Wood Elf Honies all on my tip. Yeah..."The Quon". Represent.
PS...Not necessary, but it would be sweet if the guild would float me some phat platz for a little loan, because I had to empty my bank account to pay that group to get through the PoJ trials.
The Quon and The Seven Newbs
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Quon and the Seven Newbs
Don't ever let it be said that The Quon wont help a newbie. Shiat, everyone deserves a little Quon love now and then. So, The Quon decides to head over to Crushbone and give some mad buffs to a few random toons. Took the Nexus pad to Greater Fay and on arrival busted with /shout "The Quon has arrived, all Hail!" As you can imagine there were an assload of responses coming back. The Quon did get phat props from gobs of peeps but on the other hand The Quon's Shit List got 13 new entries.
Anyway, The Quon rolls past Kelethin takin screenshots of nekkid Wood Elf scooties on the way, up and over orc hill, past the firepots and zones into Crushbone. For giggles I give a little hammer tap on the Orc Centurion standing in the corner and it starts trying to hit me. With the Orc trying to pound on The Quon's back I run over to the castle where there are 7 newbs all sitting around medding or performing some type of cyber circle jerk. The Quon stands right smack in front of them and /say "This is what happens when you disrespect The Quon Yo" and I nuked that Orc down in one mothaphuckin shot. The Quon knows they were crazy impressed cause they were too friggin amazed to even type back a reply. The Quon stands there a little while to let that shit sink in. Moments pass and I'm all like /say "Kneel before The Quon and you shall feel The Quon's l33tness." The Quon waits for them to pay their due respect and shit. WTF? only 3 of these phucks /kneel?? They don't know who the hell they are messin with. Maybe they didn't hear The Quon because they were in mid jerk, so I repeat that shiat one more time. Holy piss, out of the blue one of these assclowns /says "We don't kneel for nobody bitch."
AWWWW SHIT!, there is going to be reverence paid to The Quon whether these petunia's want to or not. You can believe that yo.
/say "Last chance newbs, /kneel"
No response.
The Quon hits the Walk key, to be all dramatic and shit, and strolls into the castle. Walk right to the throne and start tapping orcs left and right yo. By the time The Quon has clinked all those Cents and Lego's it looks like The Quon has an overgrown, Ooompa Loompa, Conga line strung out behind his fine ass. I take that shit out to my new found playa hatas and snuggle The Quon all up nice and close, cast DA, and watch from overhead view as the Seven Newbs all take dirt naps at The Quon's feet. Once those phucks bit it, The Quon decided to take the parade global yo. Conga'd our way to Trainer Hill, the tents, and Slave camp. By the time The Quon zoned out of CB there were 27 fatalities and 16 mobs in the Death Dance Line. Seconds before zone out, these words were heard, /ooc "Don't EVER disrespect The Quon, a simple /kneel from 4 fucknuts would have prevented this horrible act of vengeance, remember that"
The Quon zones out and gates on back to the Nexus to /LFG. Wasn't but 4 minutes later that a GM sends a /tell "We understand that you trained a lot of people in the zone of Crushbone." /r "Ummm, hello, can't understand, you are breaking up." She's all like "Quon, you have not been observing the PNP (Play Nice Policy)." /r "Play with this scootie, they had it coming for not respecting The Quon." GM-"Training players is expressly forbidden in EQ." /r "I hear ya, wanna cyber?" GM-"You are dangerously close to account cancellation." /r "Is that a yes?" GM-"You sir, have been warned, do not make another mistake." /r "The Quon has mad cyber skills glazecake, let me perform some verbal stimuli on you sweet thing. Once you go Quon you'll find your panties on the lawn." Yeaaah. Interestingly enough the conversation ended here. That biatch is prolly looking up The Quon's email addy to send erotic photos and shit.
The Quon out
Cyber with The Quon
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I'm medding in the Nexus and I'm weeding through the barrage of "group with me Quon" and "We need you for uber xp Quon" tells I always get as soon as I log in, when out of the blue I get a random /tell from some honie.
"FUCK you Quon".
I'm pretty sure I remember this scooties name so I check on my Shit List first to see if she has upset the Quon in the past. Nope. I check my other Excel list "Honies I want to Cyber with". It takes a hot second though cause it's a monster Excel joint, and I'm all about enabling macros and shit. Yep, she's there and I have her stats too, sweet little inky enchantress with perkies and maxed out DEX and AGI, you know what I'm sayin. A bit low on INT for a caster but Quon was only looking to "group" with her in the loosest sense of the word. (Don't forget to ask The Quon about the night he spent "2-boxing" some other time...bwahhhh)
Lady Marmalade is a little fast on the draw, all wanting to jump right into the final act before we can do a little pre-lovin. I try to slow the shiznit down by throwin back some sweet nothings to her. Cause the one thing my grandma told me that I'll always remember is "Quon, you gotta lick it before you stick it". So I'm all like.../r "Yo baby, I want it bad as you, I ain't never had no blue stuff, but daamn girl you shakin like J-Lo on crack. What you say me and you tangle our tongues before we do the nasty?" And I say it just like that cause the honies love it when The Quon comes at them all hard verbally and shit.
She responds with "OMG!", I can almost hear this chick moaning out The Quon's name as she's typing, like she was washing her hair in one of those cracked out shampoo commercials.
I'm all like screw it if she wants it that bad who am I to hold out on her. So I put it all on the table.../r "Come on over here Smurfette and rub your Orbs and you Infinite Void on me. Let the Quon show you how to get Shizzle with the Bizzle." Cause I know that will get her all hot and shit. I continue cause I don't want to lose the flow.../r "Sweet thing I got more moves than a Grandmaster Monkey, you and me were meant to do the Kunark Krotch Rock, awww yeeea we're gettin freaky now aren't we baby?" And I'm really into it so I stand up at my cpu and start gyrating my hips and I'm hollaring at the top of my lungs..."Feel It, Feel It!", until my moms screams up at me and I sit down and get back to it.
So this DE is all like "Welcome to my list!"
I'm all like, Sweeeet. Cause regular cyber kicks ass. So I tell her, /r "That's the stuff baby, you're on my list too. Write this shit down. I give her this laundry list of what Quon needs to have done for him to "DING" if you catch what i'm saying. And Quid Pro Quon like, I ask her to give me her list so I can help her with her "Alternate Advancement". (Yeeeahhh).
She doesn't respond, I figure she's got her hands too busy to reply. I fire off some more sexual healing for my new Inky Cyber Buddy.../r "You're crazy hot for The Quon ain't ya? You can't help that you dig tha flava. The Quon just summoned his Hammer of Divinity and it proc's like a muthaphucka. And just when you can't take anymore, I'll toss my 'lil Hammer Pet around the back way on ya. Free your mind and your ass will follow."
This chick has got to be steamin hot by now, and I'm rubbing my Thumb over Firiona Vie's plastic boobies trying not to spill my SoW Potion too fast, it's time to take this shiaat to the next level.../r "Let's stop with this lame ass typin shit, fire off your digits to me, and send me your pic via email to TheQuon2003@yahoo.com, I'll talk at ya. Yo"
When she sends the pic I'll post it, she'll be whack ass embarrassed but at least I got mine.
Quon out
How to get OFF of The Quon's @#%$ List
I'm all about fairness.
If you think you got onto my SL unfairly it's cool.
Here's what ya gotta do.
1) Send me a /tell in game or send me an email
2) I will give you some lyrics to one of my favorite tunes from one of my favorite groups, i.e. Korn, Eminem (Don't expect any Creed tunes, fork that noise)
3) If you guess the name of the song, I will highlight your name in yellow on my Excel spreadsheet
4) Yellow means that I will give you another chance to group with me
5) But if you screw up again Yo, you're name gets highlighted in Stoplight red
6) Once red, don't even think about trying to get off my SL, that shiznit is permanent
Quon
Roleplayers should shampoo The Quons crotch...
Roleplayers. The Quon doesn't get it. The Quon doesn't want to. And let's be real. The Quon doesn't have to and neither do you.
The Quon has had to endure a certain level of contact with Roleplayers over the levels. He see's it as a necessary evil. Along the way to god-hood, a little give and take is sometimes required to keep the wheels of xp greased. We've all had run-ins with that punk ass Druid who won't kill animals no matter how sweet the xp. Or that fucktard who won't kill his own race. Weak. At first The Quon tried to educate these dingleberries about the whackness inherent in their logic. "Dude, this Orc hasn't ever seen your lands, he don't know you ruined them and besides that, fuck him". But eventually The Quon put his blinders on and went about the business of level lapping these self-handicapped freaks 10 times over. Cause that's how you can identify "most" of the roleplayers, they're level 35...for-fucking-ever. They've got 8 character, all level 15 to 35. The Quon wants to know the point.
But now that he's the MC The Quon won't tolerate these assclowns.
So when The Quon found himself in PoJ cell group last night with an MA who obviously juggled turds as a side job at the Renaissance Fair, he knew it was on. Everything was going just fine for the most part. Respects had been paid, rules were being observed and shit. We were chugging through the xp at a decent pace.
The tank comes back empty handed on a pull and I'm all like "WTF?". And the rest of the group's looking at The Quon just waiting to back his play. The tank says, "Nothing down there to pull. Just humanoids". And The Quon is all like, "You better pull that shit! The Quon needs RUN3 tonight so he can leave all the newbs behind and hit PoV." And the Shammy's all like "Newbs?", like he was offended or something. The Quon squashed that shit with a quickness though, "You heard me mothaphucka...do something." And he was all quiet after that. Respect.
So get this, the tank actually stops looking for mobs and comes back to the camp, stands in front of me and starts teaching like he's a professor or something. "I'm a Humanoid, we're all humanoids. It would be a slap in the face of our gods to kill others like us. There's plenty of other mobs here to chose from without offending our dieties."
After a minute to stop giggling, cause The Quon SO knows what the future holds, The Quon says, "You don't do certain things you don't want to do, then blame it on the will of your god and everything's cool? Nice deal. Good to know." And this guy seems all pleased and shit like he blew The Quon's mind or something.
So we continue on for a bit and all seems forgotten.
On the next pull, The Quon watches as this door-knobs health went down faster than a Wood Elf Honie looking for a Rez in The Quons pocket. ("It's down there baby...keep looking"). I enjoy this because I knows what's coming. "HEAL". The Quon, of course, does not. What I do though is call out "The Big Heal Bomb is Inc on Warrior. But I never cast that shit. Instead The Quon loads gate and once I'm sure the Warrior is gonna take a dirt nap I say "I think you're a fuck-wit. I don't wanna heal you and Tunare says she's with me on it. Roleplayers should shampoo my crotch. Peace out".
And I'm gone.
Now who's the teacher mothaphucka.
A new rule - Have Quon's back
A new rule - Have Quon's back
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So last night I head to the Bazaar to get a KEI just in case I get stuck in a charity group with a gimp Chanter who doesn't have it. Seriously, do Chanters feel like they're actually playing this game from levels 1- 59? I mean, mez is cool and all as a novelty, but who ever uses it? If you're hunting someplace where you can't single pull then c'mon, you just want to die. You full on get off on CR's. Freaks. If you can't get to a single pull camp spot then it's amazing you have the sense to re-equip your own gear when you die. Everyone acts like the life of a Chanter is all full-on glamour but it's all about speed and crack, don't think you're any better than Pablo Escobar. The Quon just doesn't get it.
The tell comes for a PoN group under acceptable circumstance and after I do the name checks I'm tight. The 60pp comes across for Aego and I'm feeling charitable so I toss it out to the blubbering "thank yous" of the group. So i'm medding and while I med I like to let my group members in on some of my latest exploits. It's kind of like shit talking in reverse. See, The Quon likes to psyche out his group members thus pounding them into a more pliable state in which to execute the will of The Quon. So I start dropping links and spinning tales and I happen to throw out a link for my sweet sweet Silver Hammer Earring. Now the Quon paid to get through the PoJ trial mainly to get this earring, make no mistake, the PoV/PoS flag was just gravy. Quon won't step foot into PoV or PoS until he has firmly gotten RUN3. Cause when stuff hits that hard, folks are gonna die. It's just a fact, MC or not. And Divine Aura will only get me so far. This is how I see it; if I can run to the GY quicker than it takes my body to pop there...then i'm off like I robbed your house. And unless there's Druid or Wiz with us, you all need to be WATCHING me for run calls. I can't type and run at the same time. WATCH ME. I can't stress this enough. That's how I can tell my group is ready for anything. I'm facing the zone-out and everyone else except the puller is facing ME. Let one of the useless classes call run after I head off. Mages/Necros, are your ears burning?
So back to the shit talking. This Druid is all up in my grill about the earring and asking me this and that and how much I paid to get the earring and I tell him the truth, 5k. I screwed those guys hard too, cause The Quon woulda paid 7k. So this Ranger does this little "omg" thing and starts in on me about how messed up this game is and how The Quon got hosed anyway cause he saw the Earring in the Bazaar for 3.5k just yesterday. That's just some rude shit. So I'm all like "/ooc Group looking for quiet Ranger. Will drag corpse here for rez..." Which seemed to please the Ranger cause he starts going "woo hoo" and "I wanted to be with my guild anyway". Poor poor deluded treehugging surrender-monkey, he didn't understand the next step included the excel SL and I was pretty pumped cause his name started with an "A" so he was gonna be near the top cause it's alphabetized. When I sent him a tell letting him know, he didn't seem so happy about it then. Which was The Quons whole point.
So this Ranger disbands and starts telling smack to the whole zone in ooc, which is cool with me because it spreads the word of The Quon and let's everybody know how I'm living. So I'm pretty calm about this cause i've already got a Ranger on the hook who just so happens to have a fresh corpse at the docks anyway. Perfect. But this asshat crosses the line..."I really want to beat this guys ass, irl". I was mad enough until the Druid tells me what "irl" means, which I kinda figured cause Rangers are pretty much at the top of my "Do not duel out of pity" list and I'd get more of a challenge farming Evil Eye Bags in LGuk. The Quon lets this guy, and the rest of the zone, know that he's a Black Belt and shit and if he wants to come to up-state NY then it's on like Grey Poupon. I'll let him know that The Quon would beat his ass so hard he could write it off on his taxes. And all The Quon heard was crickets and the sound of Wood Elf honie Tunics across the zone straining to hold it all in.
So I'm a little pissed cause my group wasn't responding at all to what The Quon was laying down. No cries of "PWND" or "AWWW SNAP!". No back-up in group either. Just a shitload of nothing. So i'm all like "You better Recognize!" and they start hemming and hawing and that's enough for The Quon. I get every name and load gate and I'm out with a wave and a "Peace, dookie tasters".
And a new rule is born.
- Have your MC's back. If we're grouped, you fight for The Quon. Do that and you'd be amazed at the shit I'll do for you in time. I don't care if I'm giving one of your guildies a pants down spanking in front of the whole zone. Show support. Not just by staying grouped, The Quon wants to hear that shit. Give Quon his propers. Respect. Have my back.
Zaldrania - The Quon responds
Main Cleric,
I'm a hottie high elf cleric who just got this hammer o' smackdown. I am just curious how I should use this, I have some ideas which I have tried out, some responses have been negative but most have been very favorable. In the same vein chanters always seem to get upset when I ask for haste, what is that all about? I don't get upset when they ask me for a rez.
Anyway, I seek your advice since you are the absolute authority on what it means to be a cleric.
Much Love,
Zaldrania
Dear Zaldrania,
Listen and listen close... Chanters aren't worth the kleenex they are draped in... I'm surprised that you would even ask for their input. Also, I'm phaat disappointed in you that you didn't just grab a KEI from that finger twiddler and grab a rogue. Even so, did you ask yourself WWQD? Cause that answer is straight up right in your face.. Next time a chanter is in your group that gives you slack, you should be all like "Refresh my KEI please." "Are all the melee hasted?" "Cool thanks.".... /disband enchanter...../ooc "looking for DPS"..
Quon out
Yiara - The Quon Responds
Healing the paladin? Needing lessons from The Quon
Well I duo alot with this paladin. Frankly I am looking for the rules about healing paladins - I read your masterful take on the paladin class and they do tend to get a bit anxious with those "hands" but I didnt see you state which heal you use on them. Should I do more of a celestial thing and let him lay those hands on himself?
Why should I have to heal his butt if he can heal it himself? He should be out there pulling and killing mobs while I sit back and do my nails and chat and dream about The Quon right? What do you think? Should I watch the pally closer or allow him to enjoy the purple club on a regular basis?
Sincerely,
Yiara
Yiara,
The Quon was all vague and shit with his Paladin Healing breakdown for a reason. He was hoping some fine, fine, curious female lower case C would seek him out personally for a "lesson". And all admire and respect the big brain on The Quon cause here you are with your wind-blown and reclinin' ass. mmmmm.
Girl, on the real? These non-The Quon mothaphuckas need to be stepping up to make sure you're not worrying about a damn thing. That Pally should be all like, "You wanna heal me? Sweet. You'd rather just rez me later? That's cool too. I just wanna be around you and shit."
You've gotta ask yourself every night..."What Would The Quon Do?" If The Quon needed xp he'd probably start The Big Heal Bomb on those holy phucks around 30%-35% for maximum purple club opportunity and pepper some Celestials around when mana was kickin'. But if The Quon was out to teach a lesson, then it's a whole 'nother thing entirely. The Quon will duck out of The Big Heal Bomb and claim it was a fizzle to keep the Pally on his toes. The Quon will even call out 20% mana when he's really riding phat at 80%. Let one of those other pseudo healers earn their xp. Motivation you dig? And like you mentioned, most Pally's are just dying for a good reason to play pocket pool anyway. You'd be doing them a solid.
Now where's my picture biatch?
The Quon
The original texts can be found through this link in the wayback machine:
https://web.archive.org/web/20030424144849/http://pub21.ezboard.com/bquon91516
The Quon teaches the classes to the masses.
As a part of The Quons ongoing mission to bring a deeper sense of understanding and shit to the peeps of Norrath, I’m dropping the first in a series of definitive class breakdowns.
Bards – Band geeks who’s natural defense involves a drum and blurry feet. Sounds like the wet dream of half of VI’s geek ass dev team. On the aesthetic tip, The Quon digs the female bard in a big way, not a dog race in the bunch. As a class though, they have one of the worst naming track records in the game. Seriously..Notes, Chords, Melody, and such shit. C’mon, if I see one more Bard with some name like Halfnote McSongandDance or Minstril St.PolkaSinger, The Quon’s gonna SL the whole class just on general principle. Not like that would matter much. When’s the last time anyone actually hunted with a Bard anyway? I catch Mana Song whiffs every now and then around the nexus or in the GY’s in PoP, but The Quon sure as shit never groups with one. I’m guessing there’s a Swarm Kiting zone out there where they follow each other around in a clockwise circle jerk for xp. Fun. But I miss them, if only cause I want to bust out my old hot key, “Play mana song and rub my feet.”
The Quon’s general heal strategy for Bards: Hit ‘em with a Celestial periodically as a gesture of good will, and if they insist on selfishly requiring the MCs valuable mana I wait until they’re at 40% and i send them a /tell to “run!!”. Then I giggle my ass off.
Beastlords – The Quon can count with his nuts the number of times he’s grouped with these aberrations. But it seems like every fourth rez request is from one of these freaks who’s all like “I need your help”. If they pays, The Quon plays. Beastlords are another class dangerously close to mass Shit Listing based on having the most stupid names per capita. Petme SoftPuss, Catank, Tigerlily Growlinflower, WTF? The only way someone would invite a name like that to a group is if the group leaders were Seigfried and his man-toy Roy.
The Quon’s general heal strategy for Beastlords: After I rez one, Celestial usually does the trick. In group? Who the fuck knows?
Way more after the break :)
Druid – Nature luvin piss ants. If you really want to keep Norrath beautiful, bring along a shovel to pick up after my horse while you wait for someone to call EVAC. Druids are the exiled pimp class of the nation. Never has a class had it so good for so long. And never has a class taken the pipe so deep and so hard and deserved it so much as these assclowns did. Druids are so out of style now I half expect to see them sporting Mullets and Parachute pants. Hell, the only worthwhile port a Druid can do now is for himself, back to a time when his shitcan class was relevent and fun. And Druids…listen up. Don’t over-write The Quons buffs. Don’t try to drop your second rate CH in front of me. It’s just embarrassing. And more than a little sad. On a different note The Quon has a question. Why does it seem like droods can’t even wipe their asses unless Tunare tells them too…it’s always “By Tunares will this” and “By Tunares might that”. By Tunares mouth they toss The Quon’s salad… it’s all holy roleplaying until they’re gargling The Quon’s ‘SoW potion’ in the back alleys of Shadowhaven.
The Quon’s general heal strategy for Druids: None. Your heal’s the shizz? Then use it on yourself.
Enchanter – I suggest that SOE make chanters start out at level 60 with KEI already memmed in their spellbooks. Prior to lvl 60 your only duty is to wear a skirt and look pretty. Even after 60 there is no need for you to be in a group, just cast KEI on us and beat it, go make some earrings or sit in the corner and whine about being useless. Maybe if your nukes had more punch than a snowball in summer I’d let you group with me, or if your pet could find it’s own ass with a map and a ranger tracking for it. No shit, those animations should come with head gear and a Power Ranger backpack. Lastly, If you are a male and playing an enchanter delete that pansie ass toon right now, WTF were you thinking? All the Charisma points in the world won’t make me like these asshats.
The Quon’s general heal strategy for enchanters: None. It’s like trying to grab a piece of toilet paper as it’s swirling down the Crappa. If they can’t “bedazzle” their way out of trouble then pfuck ‘em and their short bus pets.
Magicians – All Mage’s should line up in the hallways of Nexus like condom machines in a bathroom. To be truly useful to the Quon you will need to be able to summon the following: A Woodelf Honie with chest guns the size of West Karana, a stripper pole, a phat pile of dollar bills, and a case of Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull 40’s. The problem with these Mages is that The Quon has to ask for the shit. The instant The Quon joins a group with a Mage, he should be seeing a trade window with all the stuff that is of benefit to The Quon. Does the Quon look like a Mage to you? NO! How the phuck am I supposed to know what you have to offer? Show the Quon, dazzle him. Or else, just summon a spoon and eat the Quon’s ass.
The Quon’s general heal strategy for Magicians: Let’s be real, The Quon watches the little green bar under the Mage’s closer than he watches the Mage’s. Yo, if the pet would stick around after a Mage died the Quon wouldn’t even bother with a Rez.
Rangers – This one is just too easy, the Quon almost feels guilty rippin on Rangers. No matter what the Quon says about Rangers its been said before. No class has more emotional and physical scarring than the Ranger, the only choice is for The Quon to settle for picking open your scabs. Let’s get real, Ranagers are the only class that could save considerable play time by creating a /consent Hot Key. Rangers should get an AA ability that would automatically spawn their corpse at the groups camp, would save everyone some friggin time. The Quon does group with Rangers though from time to time cause its wicked funny when one of their stray arrows catches a Druid in the eye. It’s also funny to watch when it starts to rain or something and the Ranger loses HP’s. It’s like hunting with Bubble Boy. Female Ranger? Make yourself useful by foraging up a condom so the Quon can get his freak on, awwwww yeaaa. Male Ranger? Forage up a pair of pretty pink panties and put them on so it’s easier for the Warrior to find your corpse, cause you know you’ll get beat down too fast to get a /loc.
The Quon’s general heal strategy for Rangers: Open spellbook, look waaaaay in the back for Greater Heal. That’s all The Quon is willing to commit. Sometimes though, when The Quon has been getting his drink on, he’ll toss The Big Heal Bomb on a Ranger for shits and giggles. And while I do it I scream in both group and say, “Who’s a big boy?…Who’s a big boy???”. Sadly enough though, to get the Big Heal Bomb to land in time, The Quon has to start casting the night before.
Paladin – Self proclaimed “Holy Warriors” of EQ. First off, these 2nd class meat shields have the sweetest scam in the whole game short of the whole “Rez in my pocket” thing. Lay Hands is mad brilliant. “Hey, get your hands off my tits!” “Awww girl, I’ve gotta touch ya to heal ya.”
The problems start when they do that shit to everyone. Male, Female, Ranger, whatever. For that reason, if there was a big ass shower in EQ and we all had to clean off after fights like it was gym class and shit, The Quon sure as hell would have his soap on a motha phuckin rope around The Paladin. It’s all Truth, Honor, Integrity and shit until some young half elf exposes the Brown Eye, then its like a prison movie. Don’t be all like “But The Quon, I’m really not gay, you’re just looking a little under the weather, let me rub it better…” I swear to god if you ever inspect my equip, I’m gonna light your shit up, Yo. Oh, and if the shiat really hits the proverbial fan and The Quon looks like he may die, don’t even THINK about Lay On Hands for The Quon. You’ll just get a fist full of Divine Aura to grind up on.
The Quon’s healing strategy for Paladins: The Quon keeps these phucks alive, he just does it from a distance.
Rogue – The Quon has an uber Bracer of the Hidden just for See Invis cause these mutherphuckers will sneak up on you like a yeasty queef in the night. They’ll poke those tiny fingers up under your nose and shit and be all like “smell that”. The Quon don’t fall for that shit, he knows you stick your fingers up that Orc’s ass while you’re trying to pickpocket. And The Quon knows it ain’t no accident. When The Quon was younger and newer to the ways of EQ love, he hooked up with this Halfling Rogue chick. She was mad nutty and had hands like one of those little diaper wearing helper monkeys. We got to it and she was all over The Quon, talking nasty in that secret Thief language about some shit The Quon didn’t care about and sticking her fingers in every opening The Quon has. The Quon was hella turned on until she put her finger in his mouth. The Quon is dry heaving now thinking about. Plus it’s a motha phuckin fact that they don’t take care of their cha cha’s if you get The Quons meaning.
Any time a rogue is in The Quon’s group he send them a /tell right off, “Yo asspoker, if you want healed after you take a beatin because you can’t control your own aggro you best be splittin that Pickpocket money with The Quon, 50/50 biatch. That doesn’t include the DoT money you owe me either.” Respect.
The Quon also likes to dog them about their poisons. “So you dropped mad cash and farmed green mobs for weeks to hit that mob with a 300 hp dot? Whoops, The Quon accidentally cast Sound of Force…220 damage and a stun for next to no mana, whoops, just did it again.” Pwnd.
The Quon’s healing strategy for rogues: Evade motha phucka. If the rogue has forked over phat platz then they will get a celestial here and there as needed, if not they better have a piercer that summons bandaids and shit.
Shadowknight – Not quite a Warrior and not quite a Necro. More often than not The Quon gets to group with the one who’s gotten the Warriors brains and the Necros hp’s. WTF? Transvestites have less of an identity crisis. Don’t even try to play like you didn’t choose a SK because you thought it had a “cool” name.
Every time The Quon sees a SK he wants to bust a cap in their ass. SK’s should come in 12 packs cause they are about as useful as a busted condom once they’ve spent their HT load. The Quon could watch for the Harm Touch message and then be all like “NEXT!” and cycle those dozen candy asses through the group with mad haste. The 11 not in the group could entertain The Quon by /oocing words of amazement at eveything The Quon does…”Damn, The Quon can heal like a motha”…”Damn that’s some good sitting”, or making sure nothing is in The Quon’s way when he trains the zone out.
Did you know that Knights have pets ? /boggle. That gimped animation has to /kneel before enchanter pets. I guess SOE gave them pity pets cause they knew a SK would never get a group. Seriously, have you ever seen a SK that didn’t have LFG next to their name? For the longest time The Quon thought LFG was some kinda weird SK only guild. One of The Quon’s favorite games is inviting a SK to the group, especially when he is somewhere remote like Sebilis and shit. They ALWAYS come, tails waggin and shit. When they finally arrive I’m like “dude, sorry, The Quon thought you were a warrior.” After they calm down The Quon’s all like “Do you have 11 friends?”
The Quon’s healing strategy for ShadowKnights: If they fool The Quon and act like a Warrior they get The Big Heal Bomb. If at any time they do anything that clues The Quon in, it’s Celestials all freakin night.
Warrior – Charter members of The Purple Club. When The Quon dreams at night it’s mostly about Wood Elf bangtail, but every now and then, The Quon has a nice dream about a phat Barbarian Chick Warrior with chest guns like throwing boulders all walking like she’s got two Halflings grappling to the death in her kilt, cold rocking 7,500 solid HP’s and AC like The Quons SAT’s (All 1500 and shit…yeahhh),and more Taunt than my drunk uncle on Thanksgiving. She does the purple dance on every single pull and is healed for 7,490 hp’s every time. The Quon says “fetch” and she’s off like a shot. The Quon says “ouch” and she’s got him in her arms nestled all snug up in her grill like The Quon was a baby again and shit. The Quon says kill and she goes all bitchcakes on whatever The Quon wants dead. But that’s a phucking dream and The Quon knows it.
The reality is that most warriors have got 5 brain cells and 4 of those are fighting over which one gets to beat the shit out the other 1, who’s giggling, drooling and playing with himself over in the corner. When one of The Quons in-bred cousins stays over and begs The Quon to let him try EQ, what class does The Quon make him play? You know it. The Quons all like “put down the banjo and walk over to that orc and hit that button. Do that FOR-FUCKING-EVER. Boooya, now you’re Cletus, Champion of Norrath, biatch.”
The Quons healing strategy for Warriors: No hating here. The Big Heal Bomb was made for this shit. But you’d better come correct with the equipment. Don’t make The Quon feel like he’s over healing. Cause The Quon has no qualms about busting out Supernal Elixir on your ass and broadcasting his heal message to the whole zone AND your guild boss. “Supernal Elixir for this weak ass 62 Warrior cause The Big Heal Bomb is a phucking waste…”
Necros — These cats bug The Quon worse than the crotch crabs he got from that time he dropped a Felwithe Steamer into that shit-ass nasty crapper in the Grobb Warrior’s Guild. Everybody can picture the asshat behind the keyboard playing these maladjusted spank-off artists. He’s that spoiled only child, who’s parents were like 50 and shit when they squirted him out. He always had the coolest toys but couldn’t tolerate anyone else phuckin’ around with them so he sat alone in his room playing Air Hockey all by himself and telling himself that he was the coolest and better off alone and shit.
Give The Quon a phuckin’ break. You Necros solo’d around for 3 years, turning your nose up at grouping cause you could, basically playing your own separate game. And now you come groveling to PoP, all “What up! I love me some groupin’!” and shiat. Necros give their gimped grouping skills away in the first 10 minutes every time though. They’re the only ones in the group talking with /say instead of /group. Cracks The Quon up every time. And there’s nothing funnier than a Necro in a PoJ Trials group. You should feel guilty looting the mark because you know all you did was pump out mana and quiver against the wall trying not to aggro anything.
And another thing, when you /ooc LFG to a zone, don’t lie about all the shit you can do for The Quons group. Ghetto Crowd control…Mana Regen…Healing. Enough with that shit. Twitch mothaphucka, Twitch. Let’s dig on the skillz that Necros have been laying down all these years. Make pet. Fear mob. Sic pet on mob. Dot. That’s some fun shit yo. I take that back, there is one other spell that The Quon likes. It’s Dead Man Floating, cause the bobbing up and down makes The Quon feel like he is pumping a little WoodElf Scootie. Speaking of pumpin’, The Quon has got to admit that necro chicks are some phreaaky biatches when it comes to cyber. Shit, when The Quon feels like getting nasty, he just strolls on over to Neriak, gives out a /shout “The Quon is here, biatches gather”, and The Quon just lays back and soaks up the blue luvin yo. Sometimes he throws some salt on the back of his DE Necro Honie of choice and pretends he’s launching his shuttle into deep space.
By the way, The Quon sends an e-mail to Sony every phuckin’ day asking them to make the Katta guards, shit, all guards, have a zone wide agro on these corpse phuckers that even FD won’t wash away. The Quon still remembers the times as a young’un when he was limping to the guards for a little help and not phuckin’ making it cause some clownshoes Necro is kiting them around the zone.
The Quons Healing Strategy for Necros – None. Root and scoot biatch. Sit in the corner and hump roadkill till you feel better.
Wizards – /Nuke…First Aggro : 300mana
/Nuke…Second Aggro : 400 mana
/Nuke…Wizard corpse : Priceless
The Quon prays to himself everyday that every single mob these phucks solo would magically wake up tomorrow with the gift of Summon. That would be hella sweet. All at once, Norrath would be filled with the deafening sounds of your collective screams and the sound of The Quon giggling his ass off.
The Quons favorite pastime as of late is to pop into Maidens Eye, cause that’s where these phucktards quad kite en masse, and /shout “Paying 10k for a Team Manaburn on Ragefire.” And then 10 seconds later, /shout “Oh snap! The Quon forgot you choads don’t have that anymore. Forget The Quon said anything. Peace.” It’s hella fun and never gets old.
Root, Nuke, DS…whatever. Your job in The Quons group is to toss a nuke or 2 out and evac when The Quon wants some White Castle. Don’t get fancy. Don’t say shit. Don’t ever, ever ask The Quon for a buff. If you get in on a BoA? You’re a lucky mothaphucka. Don’t push it by bugging me for spell haste. Shake off my Aego for a shitcan Druid buff? Then you forfeit all heals. May as well gate out now. The Quon remembers a day when you could actually tell when old Merlin had cast a nuke, you could see the Mob’s health bar take a substantial hit. Now, Wizards are about as lethal as a paper cut. The Quon’s advice to Wizards is to TL back to level 29 where you had at least the power of a double A battery.
The Quons Healing Strategy for Wizards – Are you getting beat down in the middle of evac? The Quon will take care of you. Otherwise? You best be shadowsteppin your ass off cause you don’t get heal mothaphuckin one from the MC.
Shaman – These buttcorks used to be the quiet little brother of the Priest family. All respectful and shit and washing the stains out of The Quons drawers for brownie points. Then Slow became the shiznit and all the sudden these phucks are trying to knock off Clerics as the king pope among Priests. The Quon says bring that shit on. You Shammies wanna fight? Stick your head up The Quons ass and fight for air. The big battle is already over though, by the way. You lost. And the Druids didn’t even get to the Arena. They got disqualified when the judges found a gallon of The Quons Sow Potion in their stomachs. The Quon was in a PoV group just last night when the following words were dropped cause he had to leave. “Well let’s call it then. I don’t feel like winging it with Druid or Shammy heals”. A big phat word booty to that. Seriously, Shammies heal like a lvl 24 Druid with Epilepsy.
And Canni. The Quon doesn’t care how cool that shit is, under no circumstance will The Quons mana be considered less important than a Shammies. Most Shammies are all like “Well don’t heal me then. I’ll just Torpor.” Well duh mothaphucka. You wanna eat your own asses till you get low health agro and die? Tight. The Quon cares not.
And don’t get The Quon started on Slow agro. When The Quon drops The Big Heal Bomb, he’s prepared to receive affection from a hard, pipe hitting mothaphucka. The Quon accepts this like an MC cause that’s what The Quon is. Shammies get Slow agro and you’d think they were playing Duck, Duck, Mothaphuckin Goose or some shit. When The Quon designs his MMORPG, he’s gonna give Shammies a special animation when they run. Their arms are gonna wave around in the air and their mouth is gonna be wide open like they’re screaming. The Quon doesn’t care if they’re just running to sell. They’ll run flailing and screaming like my little sister does when I rip the heads off her Malibu Stacys.
The Quon’s Healing Strategy for Shaman – An occasional Celestial if it’s a Female Barbarian. Male Shaman? You’d have better luck getting your bear animation to shit in the woods than get a heal from the MC.
Monk – The Quon figures there’s gotta be a questionaire that pops up when you start a Monk. If it determines that you’re over 14 then you don’t get to be a Monk. And when you turn 16, a red light starts flashing on your Monks hand rendering FD useless, so these asshats all go start Shammies. Seriously, you know the average age of Monks in RL is about 9, cause they are always up in your grill with links to their uber weapons, stories about how their guild took down the Sleeper and shit, and then leave the group with a quickness when Mommie comes home. In The Quon’s MMORPG there will be no Dragon Punches and Roundhouse kicks. Your special abilities will align more properly with Monk personalities. Eunich Slap, Groin Grab and Compare, Whirling Limp Wrist, and your ultra Class defining ability the Ball Gag of Death (self only). Also, no longer will FD have you laying on the ground all peaceful and shit while the Mob stands around wondering what to do. Nope, in The Quon’s game every time you FD, your ass will be raised up all nice and high so the Mob can proceed to treat you with proper respect. When the Mob is finished, it will shout Booyyah! and strike a match off your bare ass to light up a smoke. The best part is when your toon finally makes it back to camp it will have a little tear roll down the cheek like that sad old Indian from the trash commercial.
And don’t get The Quon going on lazy Monks that bring adds. If we’re getting adds then you just got sloppy and you better have Complete Mend loaded up for yourself. Oh? That doesn’t exist? Well then you’re fuxxored. And don’t try to FD on inc. The Quon will load light healing and keep you up and dying till he’s laughing so hard he stains his drawers and has to have a Shammie clean em out again.
And Female Monks? FD on The Quons lap with a quickness. He’ll let you know when it’s clear to get up.
The Quon’s Healing Strategy for Monks – The Quon will spend just enough mana to keep your sphincter from bleeding all over The Quon’s camp.
The Quon out
Level 62 Cleric <Quon> Looking for guild !
I know I'll make a great contribution to your guild because I've been a great member of many other guilds. If those guilds weren't so irritating I would still be helping them.
I am not in school anymore so I have a lot of time to play EQ, around 8 to 10 hours a day is pretty normal for me. So, I'll be around to group with you anytime. Even more actually, because when I take a shower or eat, I let my little sister run my toon until I get back. So if she says anything dumb, or doesn't do what she is supposed to, don't blame me for it.. She is pretty good though, she can sit/stand, she knows how to cast spells and she usually doesn't run around, so she won't get lost.
I know tons about the game and am not shy about sharing the wealth, if you know what I mean. Even though I've never been an officer in any of the guilds i've been in, I like to think I was looked up to as a mentor even by people who were higher in levels then me! If you're not playing your class right, i'll be right there to tell you what you're doing wrong so that you can improve right away. It's kinda how I give back to the peeps I hunt with. Teach a man to fish and all that stuff. I'd hope they'd do the same for me if it were possible.
I've hunted in all the best spots Norrath has to offer. Oasis, Lake of Ill Omen, Overthere, Dreadlands, Maidens, etc., I've rocked them all. I've even ventured into a few dungeons like Karnor's Castle, Velks...crazy stuff.
Lately I've been blowing up in the Planes of Power. The Hedge in PoN is the bomb. Close to a zone out and everything. It gives you an idea of how I'm rolling that I can get all the way there from the GY to hunt there though eh?
I'm looking for a situation that will reward my leet skills, time, and knowledge. You know how every guild has an uber MA? He's the guy that gets first dibs on the pimp gear that drops so the guild can get better and stuff? Well I wanna be the MC (main Cleric). I wanna be the number 1 heal slinger in the guild's Cleric stable. To be the best though, I need a committment along the same lines as the MA deal. I want first call on the nice stuff that drops when we start bringing down the big mobs. This doesn't just apply to cleric wearable gear because if it's something for a Warrior I could sell it in the bazaar and use the pp's to buy something for me.
It only makes sense that the guild twink out the MC, without the Quon the group is nothing. So why wouldn't the guild give all it's resources over to help make sure they have the most uber healer in all of Norrath? duh!
There are a few other things that I would want this guild to do to show their respect for me. Not all at once you know, but within the first few weeks. I imagine it's hard to tell everyone in a big guild what to do and whatnot, so It's cool if it takes a little while for the whole guild to get into shape. I'll put a little checklist here for easy reference.
1) Tanks should NOT get ****** off when I am trying to get them into my "Purple Club". The Purple Club is where I try to take the MA's HitPoints so low that he actually goes unconscious and then is brought right back to life. I also sometimes refer to the Purple Club as "Layed Out" because that's what happens, the tank lays down and then stands right back up. It's friggin HARD to do, I have to time the Complete Heal just right. So, WTF is up with tanks getting PO'd at me. I usually can do it about once every 11 tries or so.
2) If you have a problem with me DO NOT take it to guild chat or to the guild officers. Otherwise, I have to spend all my time trying to explain what happened and that doesn't do anyone any good. Just forget it and get back to grinding.
3) I already mentioned that I should get first call on nice drops, I just want to put it in this list for consistency and to stress the importance of the request.
4) Sometimes I have to leave a group or raid unexpectedly. Like when my mom gets on my case or some @#%$ like that. I DO NOT have the time to find a replacement for myself. Don't expect me to. Like you'd tolerate a gimp replacement anyway.
5) Enchanters, please chill on the "HEAL ME" spam when you are grouped with me. Your armor class suxxors, if there is a multi pull i have to use my DA (or Divine Aura if you didn't know) so that I don't die. I CANNOT cast heal until DA wears off so please be patient. And if I'm late...rez inc thanks.
6) If any Dots drop when hunting, I automatically get them so that if someone wants a symbol I have the component. Otherwise, if you want a symbol please open up my trade window with the correct component for the symbol that you want.
7) In addition, I'd like to ML at all times. If at the end of the session, I have more than enough to cover my weeks worth of Dot's then i'll toss out a split.
If there is a guild bank, and there should be or I rescind my application, I would like to be in charge of it. But without the baggage of the title of "Treasurer" which really understates my true stature within any guild.
9) Monks PLEASE announce when you are FD, so that I don't waste my time trying to rez you. That is sooo frickin annoying. I mean really, how hard is it to type "I am FD, do not rez".
10) Rangers, don't even get me started. They should be like my sister...seen and not heard. Seriously, I'd rather spend the mana to rez you then to heal you. You are to melle what a Druid is to healers. No offense though, I'll need you around for tracking and foraging and stuff. When you die, just automatically consent the MA and we'll drag you to our camp spot. It's just easier that way.
11) Speaking of rez, please don't send personal tells to me for a rez. There's just no way that me wasting my time is worth saving a little bit of your time. If a guildie needs a rez, please just put it in guild chat and someone will get to you. Just because im in bazaar doesn't mean I'm not busy. And just ask my last two guilds if you don't believe this, but if you call me out in chat then it's on.
12) No, you have not grouped with me before. I paid that $50 to move to this server last month, so it's very unlikely that you grouped with me in so and so Zone unless you played on Solusek Ro. This is also the reason that my equip is not that sweet yet, and the guild should help me out with some twinkage.
13) If you need a buff from me, please say my name first in the request so that I notice it. Also please write out the name of the spell instead of just the acronymn. If I'm taking the time to open my spell book, mem the spell, find you with the mouse, and cast the buff, and then un-mem the spell, the least you could do is type out the whole name so that it will help me find it faster.
14) And if you're not sure whether your gimpy HP buff will overwrite mine after i've already dropped a bunch of Dots and half a bar of my mana to cast, then freaking ask! Even better, don't cast until you know your class AND mine. Druids and Shammys i'm looking in your direction here.
15) Speaking of Druids and Shammys. I don't call my heals. I shouldn't have to cause no one else should be trying to be the Cleric but the Quon. If you think i'm interrupting my CH cause some druid is busting off gimp 3k CH's? No way...i'll still drop the big heal bomb. And then we're both out of mana.
16) I think since I'm the one keeping the puller alive when they bring back a baddy that they should show respect to me with their pull Hot Key. Example, I pull this <Target> for our great Lord <Quon>", or "<Target> has insulted the great one <Quon>, lets KEEL it !!" And it would be cool if you could use it even if i'm not there. You know, just to spread the gospel and such. Helps with recruitment i bet.
17) Pally's please use your LoH everytime that it pops, it's called "saving the Quon's mana", remember it, do it, and respect it.
1 I'm still missing a lot of spells from level 58 to 62. The guild should really help me get as many as possible. Think about it, all of my spells help YOU, not me. If you want me to help you with the improved spells then YOU should be the one getting them for me. And I may not even use most of them...but i want them just the same.
19) I have a HOT key with my email addy on it. If the @#%$ hits the fan and I have to camp out to save my ***, I ALWAYS hit that hot key. When it's safe to come back, I expect someone in the group to let me know via email. If you don't then everyone in the group immediately becomes a new entry in my personal @#%$ list. I keep that @#%$ on excel and alphabetized, so don't even think you are getting in with a group with me again if your name is on that list. Why the **** do you think I moved servers? I was finding it near impossible to get a group without running into someone on my SL. If you think this is harsh, just think about me on the other side waiting for that email to come in so I can log back. Now that's HARSH!
We all know that most Clerics are the suck. Either they're Bots or some Druid who got pwnd when PoP came out cause he couldn't solo or find a group and PL'd himself a Cleric. MC's like me are hard to come by and that's the reason for the list. Believe me there are other guilds that have expressed interest and i really owe it to <Quon> to be find the best situation in which to drop my skills.
I know most of the guilds I'm working with have an extensive application process and I respect the **** out of that. It's a good thing cause it keeps the assclowns out. But we all know that there's a secret process for instant approvals that can be used for the right situation and i'm that situation. In the 3 weeks your guild ***** around "getting to know me", I'll already be rocking the high-end content with another guild. So work fast.
My main is a 62 cleric named "Quon". Cause that's what i want..."The Quon". I want the respect, I want the platinum, I want the excitement, and I want the Wood Elf Honies all on my tip. Yeah..."The Quon". Represent.
PS...Not necessary, but it would be sweet if the guild would float me some phat platz for a little loan, because I had to empty my bank account to pay that group to get through the PoJ trials.
The Quon and The Seven Newbs
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Quon and the Seven Newbs
Don't ever let it be said that The Quon wont help a newbie. Shiat, everyone deserves a little Quon love now and then. So, The Quon decides to head over to Crushbone and give some mad buffs to a few random toons. Took the Nexus pad to Greater Fay and on arrival busted with /shout "The Quon has arrived, all Hail!" As you can imagine there were an assload of responses coming back. The Quon did get phat props from gobs of peeps but on the other hand The Quon's Shit List got 13 new entries.
Anyway, The Quon rolls past Kelethin takin screenshots of nekkid Wood Elf scooties on the way, up and over orc hill, past the firepots and zones into Crushbone. For giggles I give a little hammer tap on the Orc Centurion standing in the corner and it starts trying to hit me. With the Orc trying to pound on The Quon's back I run over to the castle where there are 7 newbs all sitting around medding or performing some type of cyber circle jerk. The Quon stands right smack in front of them and /say "This is what happens when you disrespect The Quon Yo" and I nuked that Orc down in one mothaphuckin shot. The Quon knows they were crazy impressed cause they were too friggin amazed to even type back a reply. The Quon stands there a little while to let that shit sink in. Moments pass and I'm all like /say "Kneel before The Quon and you shall feel The Quon's l33tness." The Quon waits for them to pay their due respect and shit. WTF? only 3 of these phucks /kneel?? They don't know who the hell they are messin with. Maybe they didn't hear The Quon because they were in mid jerk, so I repeat that shiat one more time. Holy piss, out of the blue one of these assclowns /says "We don't kneel for nobody bitch."
AWWWW SHIT!, there is going to be reverence paid to The Quon whether these petunia's want to or not. You can believe that yo.
/say "Last chance newbs, /kneel"
No response.
The Quon hits the Walk key, to be all dramatic and shit, and strolls into the castle. Walk right to the throne and start tapping orcs left and right yo. By the time The Quon has clinked all those Cents and Lego's it looks like The Quon has an overgrown, Ooompa Loompa, Conga line strung out behind his fine ass. I take that shit out to my new found playa hatas and snuggle The Quon all up nice and close, cast DA, and watch from overhead view as the Seven Newbs all take dirt naps at The Quon's feet. Once those phucks bit it, The Quon decided to take the parade global yo. Conga'd our way to Trainer Hill, the tents, and Slave camp. By the time The Quon zoned out of CB there were 27 fatalities and 16 mobs in the Death Dance Line. Seconds before zone out, these words were heard, /ooc "Don't EVER disrespect The Quon, a simple /kneel from 4 fucknuts would have prevented this horrible act of vengeance, remember that"
The Quon zones out and gates on back to the Nexus to /LFG. Wasn't but 4 minutes later that a GM sends a /tell "We understand that you trained a lot of people in the zone of Crushbone." /r "Ummm, hello, can't understand, you are breaking up." She's all like "Quon, you have not been observing the PNP (Play Nice Policy)." /r "Play with this scootie, they had it coming for not respecting The Quon." GM-"Training players is expressly forbidden in EQ." /r "I hear ya, wanna cyber?" GM-"You are dangerously close to account cancellation." /r "Is that a yes?" GM-"You sir, have been warned, do not make another mistake." /r "The Quon has mad cyber skills glazecake, let me perform some verbal stimuli on you sweet thing. Once you go Quon you'll find your panties on the lawn." Yeaaah. Interestingly enough the conversation ended here. That biatch is prolly looking up The Quon's email addy to send erotic photos and shit.
The Quon out
Cyber with The Quon
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I'm medding in the Nexus and I'm weeding through the barrage of "group with me Quon" and "We need you for uber xp Quon" tells I always get as soon as I log in, when out of the blue I get a random /tell from some honie.
"FUCK you Quon".
I'm pretty sure I remember this scooties name so I check on my Shit List first to see if she has upset the Quon in the past. Nope. I check my other Excel list "Honies I want to Cyber with". It takes a hot second though cause it's a monster Excel joint, and I'm all about enabling macros and shit. Yep, she's there and I have her stats too, sweet little inky enchantress with perkies and maxed out DEX and AGI, you know what I'm sayin. A bit low on INT for a caster but Quon was only looking to "group" with her in the loosest sense of the word. (Don't forget to ask The Quon about the night he spent "2-boxing" some other time...bwahhhh)
Lady Marmalade is a little fast on the draw, all wanting to jump right into the final act before we can do a little pre-lovin. I try to slow the shiznit down by throwin back some sweet nothings to her. Cause the one thing my grandma told me that I'll always remember is "Quon, you gotta lick it before you stick it". So I'm all like.../r "Yo baby, I want it bad as you, I ain't never had no blue stuff, but daamn girl you shakin like J-Lo on crack. What you say me and you tangle our tongues before we do the nasty?" And I say it just like that cause the honies love it when The Quon comes at them all hard verbally and shit.
She responds with "OMG!", I can almost hear this chick moaning out The Quon's name as she's typing, like she was washing her hair in one of those cracked out shampoo commercials.
I'm all like screw it if she wants it that bad who am I to hold out on her. So I put it all on the table.../r "Come on over here Smurfette and rub your Orbs and you Infinite Void on me. Let the Quon show you how to get Shizzle with the Bizzle." Cause I know that will get her all hot and shit. I continue cause I don't want to lose the flow.../r "Sweet thing I got more moves than a Grandmaster Monkey, you and me were meant to do the Kunark Krotch Rock, awww yeeea we're gettin freaky now aren't we baby?" And I'm really into it so I stand up at my cpu and start gyrating my hips and I'm hollaring at the top of my lungs..."Feel It, Feel It!", until my moms screams up at me and I sit down and get back to it.
So this DE is all like "Welcome to my list!"
I'm all like, Sweeeet. Cause regular cyber kicks ass. So I tell her, /r "That's the stuff baby, you're on my list too. Write this shit down. I give her this laundry list of what Quon needs to have done for him to "DING" if you catch what i'm saying. And Quid Pro Quon like, I ask her to give me her list so I can help her with her "Alternate Advancement". (Yeeeahhh).
She doesn't respond, I figure she's got her hands too busy to reply. I fire off some more sexual healing for my new Inky Cyber Buddy.../r "You're crazy hot for The Quon ain't ya? You can't help that you dig tha flava. The Quon just summoned his Hammer of Divinity and it proc's like a muthaphucka. And just when you can't take anymore, I'll toss my 'lil Hammer Pet around the back way on ya. Free your mind and your ass will follow."
This chick has got to be steamin hot by now, and I'm rubbing my Thumb over Firiona Vie's plastic boobies trying not to spill my SoW Potion too fast, it's time to take this shiaat to the next level.../r "Let's stop with this lame ass typin shit, fire off your digits to me, and send me your pic via email to TheQuon2003@yahoo.com, I'll talk at ya. Yo"
When she sends the pic I'll post it, she'll be whack ass embarrassed but at least I got mine.
Quon out
How to get OFF of The Quon's @#%$ List
I'm all about fairness.
If you think you got onto my SL unfairly it's cool.
Here's what ya gotta do.
1) Send me a /tell in game or send me an email
2) I will give you some lyrics to one of my favorite tunes from one of my favorite groups, i.e. Korn, Eminem (Don't expect any Creed tunes, fork that noise)
3) If you guess the name of the song, I will highlight your name in yellow on my Excel spreadsheet
4) Yellow means that I will give you another chance to group with me
5) But if you screw up again Yo, you're name gets highlighted in Stoplight red
6) Once red, don't even think about trying to get off my SL, that shiznit is permanent
Quon
Roleplayers should shampoo The Quons crotch...
Roleplayers. The Quon doesn't get it. The Quon doesn't want to. And let's be real. The Quon doesn't have to and neither do you.
The Quon has had to endure a certain level of contact with Roleplayers over the levels. He see's it as a necessary evil. Along the way to god-hood, a little give and take is sometimes required to keep the wheels of xp greased. We've all had run-ins with that punk ass Druid who won't kill animals no matter how sweet the xp. Or that fucktard who won't kill his own race. Weak. At first The Quon tried to educate these dingleberries about the whackness inherent in their logic. "Dude, this Orc hasn't ever seen your lands, he don't know you ruined them and besides that, fuck him". But eventually The Quon put his blinders on and went about the business of level lapping these self-handicapped freaks 10 times over. Cause that's how you can identify "most" of the roleplayers, they're level 35...for-fucking-ever. They've got 8 character, all level 15 to 35. The Quon wants to know the point.
But now that he's the MC The Quon won't tolerate these assclowns.
So when The Quon found himself in PoJ cell group last night with an MA who obviously juggled turds as a side job at the Renaissance Fair, he knew it was on. Everything was going just fine for the most part. Respects had been paid, rules were being observed and shit. We were chugging through the xp at a decent pace.
The tank comes back empty handed on a pull and I'm all like "WTF?". And the rest of the group's looking at The Quon just waiting to back his play. The tank says, "Nothing down there to pull. Just humanoids". And The Quon is all like, "You better pull that shit! The Quon needs RUN3 tonight so he can leave all the newbs behind and hit PoV." And the Shammy's all like "Newbs?", like he was offended or something. The Quon squashed that shit with a quickness though, "You heard me mothaphucka...do something." And he was all quiet after that. Respect.
So get this, the tank actually stops looking for mobs and comes back to the camp, stands in front of me and starts teaching like he's a professor or something. "I'm a Humanoid, we're all humanoids. It would be a slap in the face of our gods to kill others like us. There's plenty of other mobs here to chose from without offending our dieties."
After a minute to stop giggling, cause The Quon SO knows what the future holds, The Quon says, "You don't do certain things you don't want to do, then blame it on the will of your god and everything's cool? Nice deal. Good to know." And this guy seems all pleased and shit like he blew The Quon's mind or something.
So we continue on for a bit and all seems forgotten.
On the next pull, The Quon watches as this door-knobs health went down faster than a Wood Elf Honie looking for a Rez in The Quons pocket. ("It's down there baby...keep looking"). I enjoy this because I knows what's coming. "HEAL". The Quon, of course, does not. What I do though is call out "The Big Heal Bomb is Inc on Warrior. But I never cast that shit. Instead The Quon loads gate and once I'm sure the Warrior is gonna take a dirt nap I say "I think you're a fuck-wit. I don't wanna heal you and Tunare says she's with me on it. Roleplayers should shampoo my crotch. Peace out".
And I'm gone.
Now who's the teacher mothaphucka.
A new rule - Have Quon's back
A new rule - Have Quon's back
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So last night I head to the Bazaar to get a KEI just in case I get stuck in a charity group with a gimp Chanter who doesn't have it. Seriously, do Chanters feel like they're actually playing this game from levels 1- 59? I mean, mez is cool and all as a novelty, but who ever uses it? If you're hunting someplace where you can't single pull then c'mon, you just want to die. You full on get off on CR's. Freaks. If you can't get to a single pull camp spot then it's amazing you have the sense to re-equip your own gear when you die. Everyone acts like the life of a Chanter is all full-on glamour but it's all about speed and crack, don't think you're any better than Pablo Escobar. The Quon just doesn't get it.
The tell comes for a PoN group under acceptable circumstance and after I do the name checks I'm tight. The 60pp comes across for Aego and I'm feeling charitable so I toss it out to the blubbering "thank yous" of the group. So i'm medding and while I med I like to let my group members in on some of my latest exploits. It's kind of like shit talking in reverse. See, The Quon likes to psyche out his group members thus pounding them into a more pliable state in which to execute the will of The Quon. So I start dropping links and spinning tales and I happen to throw out a link for my sweet sweet Silver Hammer Earring. Now the Quon paid to get through the PoJ trial mainly to get this earring, make no mistake, the PoV/PoS flag was just gravy. Quon won't step foot into PoV or PoS until he has firmly gotten RUN3. Cause when stuff hits that hard, folks are gonna die. It's just a fact, MC or not. And Divine Aura will only get me so far. This is how I see it; if I can run to the GY quicker than it takes my body to pop there...then i'm off like I robbed your house. And unless there's Druid or Wiz with us, you all need to be WATCHING me for run calls. I can't type and run at the same time. WATCH ME. I can't stress this enough. That's how I can tell my group is ready for anything. I'm facing the zone-out and everyone else except the puller is facing ME. Let one of the useless classes call run after I head off. Mages/Necros, are your ears burning?
So back to the shit talking. This Druid is all up in my grill about the earring and asking me this and that and how much I paid to get the earring and I tell him the truth, 5k. I screwed those guys hard too, cause The Quon woulda paid 7k. So this Ranger does this little "omg" thing and starts in on me about how messed up this game is and how The Quon got hosed anyway cause he saw the Earring in the Bazaar for 3.5k just yesterday. That's just some rude shit. So I'm all like "/ooc Group looking for quiet Ranger. Will drag corpse here for rez..." Which seemed to please the Ranger cause he starts going "woo hoo" and "I wanted to be with my guild anyway". Poor poor deluded treehugging surrender-monkey, he didn't understand the next step included the excel SL and I was pretty pumped cause his name started with an "A" so he was gonna be near the top cause it's alphabetized. When I sent him a tell letting him know, he didn't seem so happy about it then. Which was The Quons whole point.
So this Ranger disbands and starts telling smack to the whole zone in ooc, which is cool with me because it spreads the word of The Quon and let's everybody know how I'm living. So I'm pretty calm about this cause i've already got a Ranger on the hook who just so happens to have a fresh corpse at the docks anyway. Perfect. But this asshat crosses the line..."I really want to beat this guys ass, irl". I was mad enough until the Druid tells me what "irl" means, which I kinda figured cause Rangers are pretty much at the top of my "Do not duel out of pity" list and I'd get more of a challenge farming Evil Eye Bags in LGuk. The Quon lets this guy, and the rest of the zone, know that he's a Black Belt and shit and if he wants to come to up-state NY then it's on like Grey Poupon. I'll let him know that The Quon would beat his ass so hard he could write it off on his taxes. And all The Quon heard was crickets and the sound of Wood Elf honie Tunics across the zone straining to hold it all in.
So I'm a little pissed cause my group wasn't responding at all to what The Quon was laying down. No cries of "PWND" or "AWWW SNAP!". No back-up in group either. Just a shitload of nothing. So i'm all like "You better Recognize!" and they start hemming and hawing and that's enough for The Quon. I get every name and load gate and I'm out with a wave and a "Peace, dookie tasters".
And a new rule is born.
- Have your MC's back. If we're grouped, you fight for The Quon. Do that and you'd be amazed at the shit I'll do for you in time. I don't care if I'm giving one of your guildies a pants down spanking in front of the whole zone. Show support. Not just by staying grouped, The Quon wants to hear that shit. Give Quon his propers. Respect. Have my back.
Zaldrania - The Quon responds
Main Cleric,
I'm a hottie high elf cleric who just got this hammer o' smackdown. I am just curious how I should use this, I have some ideas which I have tried out, some responses have been negative but most have been very favorable. In the same vein chanters always seem to get upset when I ask for haste, what is that all about? I don't get upset when they ask me for a rez.
Anyway, I seek your advice since you are the absolute authority on what it means to be a cleric.
Much Love,
Zaldrania
Dear Zaldrania,
Listen and listen close... Chanters aren't worth the kleenex they are draped in... I'm surprised that you would even ask for their input. Also, I'm phaat disappointed in you that you didn't just grab a KEI from that finger twiddler and grab a rogue. Even so, did you ask yourself WWQD? Cause that answer is straight up right in your face.. Next time a chanter is in your group that gives you slack, you should be all like "Refresh my KEI please." "Are all the melee hasted?" "Cool thanks.".... /disband enchanter...../ooc "looking for DPS"..
Quon out
Yiara - The Quon Responds
Healing the paladin? Needing lessons from The Quon
Well I duo alot with this paladin. Frankly I am looking for the rules about healing paladins - I read your masterful take on the paladin class and they do tend to get a bit anxious with those "hands" but I didnt see you state which heal you use on them. Should I do more of a celestial thing and let him lay those hands on himself?
Why should I have to heal his butt if he can heal it himself? He should be out there pulling and killing mobs while I sit back and do my nails and chat and dream about The Quon right? What do you think? Should I watch the pally closer or allow him to enjoy the purple club on a regular basis?
Sincerely,
Yiara
Yiara,
The Quon was all vague and shit with his Paladin Healing breakdown for a reason. He was hoping some fine, fine, curious female lower case C would seek him out personally for a "lesson". And all admire and respect the big brain on The Quon cause here you are with your wind-blown and reclinin' ass. mmmmm.
Girl, on the real? These non-The Quon mothaphuckas need to be stepping up to make sure you're not worrying about a damn thing. That Pally should be all like, "You wanna heal me? Sweet. You'd rather just rez me later? That's cool too. I just wanna be around you and shit."
You've gotta ask yourself every night..."What Would The Quon Do?" If The Quon needed xp he'd probably start The Big Heal Bomb on those holy phucks around 30%-35% for maximum purple club opportunity and pepper some Celestials around when mana was kickin'. But if The Quon was out to teach a lesson, then it's a whole 'nother thing entirely. The Quon will duck out of The Big Heal Bomb and claim it was a fizzle to keep the Pally on his toes. The Quon will even call out 20% mana when he's really riding phat at 80%. Let one of those other pseudo healers earn their xp. Motivation you dig? And like you mentioned, most Pally's are just dying for a good reason to play pocket pool anyway. You'd be doing them a solid.
Now where's my picture biatch?
The Quon
Fairto Middlin, The Quon Plane - The Quon responds
I had a revelation last night. An entire plane devoted to The Quon... (with his supreme MC'ship as deity of course.) Why should the master of the big bomb waste his immense talents (and patience) hacking it up with lesser talents? Think of it...
In The Quonplane, dead characters would be truly "Naked"...at least the good-looking female races...please just the good-looking races...
In the Quonplane would drop The Quonsword (by supreme consent of the Master) which would be charisma +200 causing mobs to simply hand you their money and fall over dead...and proccing "The Quon effect" which summons any drink but Zima...
In The Quonplane, the only music that you could get on MP3 would be Eminem, or Korn, or anything that doesn't suck...improper mp3 choices would of course aggro the whole zone, and anything by a pop band causes a bolt from the blue to strike you down for 30000 unrezz-able damage.
There would of course be an admission charge, rather than a key, to enter this Utopia...and an additional donation...wait, let's call it an "offering"...could gain you the chance at an audience with The Quon. There would of course be no guarantees, his exaltedness of course being far too busy a God to just hang around being worshipped...but you'd have a CHANCE to bask in his presence...(and perhaps perform some small service, if you qualify.)
A world of endless opportunity if ever there was one...someone needs to get Sony on this...
The only problem would be what to do with the other 234 empty zones...suppose we could store the beer there.
Fairto Middlin (that's what my wife says, anyway)
Repost when you have included the following Yo.
Renting prostitutes, purchasing 40's, insta finger stink removal spells, monitors repeating "Girls Gone Wild Videos", insta death newb traps, snot rocket spitoons, perma graphiti walls where peeps can script their love for The Quon, Bling Bling Vending Machines that also dispense glue in paper bags, Soap on a rope (in case a Pally is near by), sack sweat collection vials for druids, cause they have very little to do while waiting for evac to be called, and insta V.D. for those that refuse to Represent The Quon.
The Quon
Berrew - The Quon Responds
Help for a fellow Cleric
I am in a pretty good guild - only one problem. We recently had a guildmate NEC post some shizzat about their - woo-hoo - 93% rez. Like anyone wouldn't rather get a 90% rez from a *real* healer than from some corpselover. WHat should I do?
Berrew,
You better tell that gimp azz healer to back his shit down until he has memorized The Quon's Commandments. If this 'little c' refuses, you let the Quon know, I got your back.
I'll slip into the shadows like a motherphuckin ghost and when that asshat walks by The Quon will summon a hammer and pound his head like a 10 penny nail Yo. That biatch will feel like a Ten dollar hooker that just got pwned by twenty dudes with fifty cents each.
Next thing you know, he'll be following you around asking for permission to mem a spell and shit.
As for your guild, they best recognize that a lousy 3% of exp is a great price to pay to be rezzed by a minion of The Quon.
The Quon
REPRESENT
Krys 60 Cleric - The Quon responds
Re: Quon
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
/kneel Quon
I love your religion! The Tao of Quonese I like to think of it. I was going to ask for the newsletter, but the message board is much more convenient for your loyal subjects.
The people who can't handle the code don't belong anyway. I try to follow the code, but I am a failure in many respects:
1) I don't insist on all the loot drops, but I do squeal with delight pretty good when a peridot drops. So I am learning.
2) I try to admit as many people as I can into the Purple Club. Fighting as much as I am in Planes of Power it is difficult to say the least. I don't say that to garner favors, and I make no apologies for my lack of ability. Last night the group enchanter was almost admitted to the club, but that 10hp window is a bit small. Will keep working on it. Pre PoP content, no problem - almost all of my group members have gone purple at some point.
3) I have difficulty telling people how to play their class, even if I do know how to play it better than they do. I need to lose the chip on my shoulder and just own up to the fact that I am the smartest person in the group. Other people should bow to my greatness. I am purple all the time - so that is a big indicator there.
4) Shamen focus and druid buffs drive me nuts! Why do they even have them? I mean they can overwrite my clearly superior buffs - when I dain to lay them out - so they shouldn't even waste keystrokes asking if they can cast em. I am purple remember, can't miss me, so don't even try to cast them. And for Quon's sake!, click off your buffs if you see me casting a buff. It's pretty easy to tell. Just always look at me and if you see the gold/green/blue streams shooting out of my capable hands, CLICK THAT BUFF OFF NOW!
5) Warriors should always /shield me whenever they have the chance! Sometimes I even get close to the warrior just to get some of that luvin. So if you see me sidle up close to you, hit that shield key.
I read through the other rules of Quon and will start to incorporate those into my daily play. Keep on preaching brother. I need all the help I can get!
-Krys
60 Cleric
Dear Krys,
Don't consider yourself a failure, you can't expect to live up to The Quon. Striving to be like The Quon is your goal. Let me help you out and shit.
1) Squeeling is weak, don't ever do that shiat again. If those motherphuckers don't hand over the dot as soon as they loot it you should /ooc "Quonabee looking for group that doesn't have a greedy phuck ninja looting the MC's dots."
2) Practice, practice, practice. One small point, don't heal chanters. Read "Quon on the classes - part 1".
3) WTF? you do realize the group lives and dies by you right? It's your duty to tell those numbfucks what to do. It's best if you establish your reign on the group straight up. As soon as you enter group, establish command yo. Tell those newbs that you aren't moving until you see assist hot keys with your name and The Quons name represented.
4) Seems like you got this one covered yo.
5) Careful here glazecakes. There are warriors out there who aren't strong enough to break wind. Saddle yourself up against the brutes, relentlessly berate the inferior.
The Quon
Skater Gnome from Caster Realm
Skater Gnome was a series of stories taken from the point of view of a young Everquest player who used "1337 speak" or the internet slang back in 2002. The stories list is taken from a forum post in project 1999 by Elleve can be found here.
The originals can be found here through
archives.org: https://web.archive.org/web/20060222113015/http://eq.crgaming.com/skater/
MY BIG ADVENTURE, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
ok i get home last night, right, and i turn on the monitor and
i guess what i see? my brothers account is at the character
selection screen, hehe.
so im very tempted to log his 60 enhcanter on but he said to
never ever play it, but that was BEFORE i leart everything
about eq with my 5 monk.
so im thinking about it and i decided to eat some ice cream.
so im eating ice cream and looking at the enchanter and eating
more ice cream and finally i push the ice cream aside and log
in Tyru (named changed duh)the enchanter
anyways im fealing reely tough and looking around but i dont
recognize where i am and thats wierd cause ive been in all 8
of the zones already with my monk
well then i get this tell
Rathmus tells you 'are you coming dragon nec with us?'
so i tell him 'which one?' cuase i dont know which dragon he
means
Rathmus tells you 'what..?'
i tell him 'which dragon duh'
and then theres this long pause and he says 'ummm, dragon
necropolis... the guild raid tonight. we're kill zoolander'
ROFL a bad guy named zoolander!!
so i tell him 'hahaha dude u r funny there is no mob named
zoolander, haha, haha.'
so then he says 'Tyru are you ok?'
so i say 'no dude im peeing my pants cause u r a funny guy'
so then there is this long pause again and he says 'just read
the motd and get out to WW asap'
WTF??!!
so im like 'omg dude, speak freakin enlgish wtf'
so i see in guild chat that a wizard is giving away pickups at
gbp.
well this i just HAVE to see. a pickup in eq, haha.
so i say to the guild 'where the hell is gbp??!!
and the wizard is like 'if you cant even remember that, you
should just click gate and find out'
so i gate and im in the dwarf snow town of whatever and there
is the wizard with a bunch of other ppl from the same clan.
so i say 'dude i want a pickup plz, a red one, or green and is
it faster than horses??'
so the wizard invites me and then before i could get a pickup
somehow i gated again!!
WTF, stupid enchanters, jezz.
anyways were all in colebelts scars again (where my 60 EQ2
monk is parked, if the dumb guy will ever give him to me) and
we all start running for like FOREVER. and we keep going and
going and going. so i say screw this im getting mor ice cream.
so i get some more ice cream and i turn on the tv and full
house is a reely stupid show btw.
so anyway i go back to the computer and i see im in the snow
dworf city again!!!
WTF stupid random gating crap hell is this??!!
so Rathmus tells me 'consent me'
and im like 'WTF??'
and he says 'consent me we're all waiting on you'
so im like 'waiting on me for what?'
and he doesn't answer and then he says 'consent me now'
so i say 'how?'
and he tells me.
anyway, i get this box offering me FREE EXP (prolly cause i
flirted with GM LONI yesterday) so i click it of course, my
brother will be so happy! but wouldn't you know it, that damn
enchanter gates again!!
so now im outside with everyone again and i see this corpse
with the same name as me, but im used to verants bugs now, so
i loot it.
then Rathmus says 'Buff here and when your group is buffed,
zone in. send tells now.'
so suddelny like 10 ppl send me a tell saying 'SoS'
OMG!! they must be in trouble, right
so i run over there to them and im yelling 'ill save you!' but
i dont see whats hurting them so bad that they have to say SOS
to me for. in fact they looked ok.
so now im getting like A HUNDRED TELLS saying 'sos plz'
or 'kei'.
WTF?!?
so im like 'dudes i dont speak french or whatever'
anyway we finally zone in and this big orge is running off and
suddenly THE SKELATON DRAGON APPEARS AND STARTS TO ATTACK HIM!
so i run out there and start hitting it, and hes a big sissy
cause hes running back toward the group. then it dawns on me
why everyone was saying 'sos'.
so im getting hurt real bad but then the whole group finally
comes out to fight it, those scaredy cats, and i say 'haha you
guys are scared sissys'
and the dragon dies and i jump up to get more ice cream and
THERES MY BROTHER STANDING BEHIND ME!
uh oh.
so his face is all red and his eyes are all big and hes
looking at me
so im like 'dude chill i just killed a dragon for you'
so he grabs me and puts me in a chair and grabs some duct tape
and wraps it all around me!! how ingrateful can you get!?!?
so i'm trying to tell him about the free 96% exp that the GM
gave him, but he wont listens he just keeps taping me
WTF??
so hes done taping me and he rolls me outside on the porch and
locks the door. so people are so unthankful.
anyway all in all it wasnt to bad, cause after an hour or so
he threw some icecream out the window and i was able to tip
the chair over and eat some while i waiting for him to cool
down and untape me.
i guess the lesson i learned is to nextime take MY monk to
kill the dragon and not my brother randomly-gating enchanter.
jezz.
HOW IT ALL WORKS OUT IN THE END, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
ok so eq2 is coming out now eh?
WTF??
what about all the hard work ive put into my characters?? is
it all going down the tolet??
well im not going to let that happen so a few hours ago i
logged onto eq
'selling reel good lvl 5 monk for USA dollars, send tell' i
start auctioning
im not going to let verant screw me. hell i have over ONE DAYS
PLAYED ON MY ACCOUNT!!
well i keep auctioning for awhile, and then this hot darkelf
chick walks up to me
GM LONI tells you 'hi skaterr. i wanted to remind you that
selling your account is against the EULA and is a bannable
action'
so i reply 'loni dude this is some damn hell crap. u r
scerwing us all with eq2 all my time on eq1 is worthless'
GM LONI tells you 'skaterr, eq1 is not going anywhere for a
long long time'
so then i get this idea cause i like to think outside the box
and stuff.
so i tell GM LONI 'hey hotcakes, r u going 2 be a gm on eq2???
cause if you are how about i give you like 20 platz and you
can pl me on eq2 or give me cool stuff'
GM LONI tells you 'it doesn't work that way skaterr. and im
not going to be a gm on eq2 that i know of'
well i figure she HAS to say that or she gets fired.
so i told her 'i know you cant say anything. shhhhhh. i wont
tell or anything, but just poke me twice if you will do it i
can keep a secret and your hot'
so she says 'consider this a warning skaterr. please re-read
the eula.'
so i tell her 'does that mean youll do it sweetcheeks??'
you know you have to flirt with these girl if you need
something they like that.
so i figure if i cant sell my account i may as well buy an eq2
accout
so i start auvtioning 'WTB EQ2 lvl60 MONK SEND TELL I HAVE 26
PLAT'
and this keeps going and i get a tell from a wizard named
savat.
savat tells you 'i have a level 60 monk on eq2 that i will
give you'
so i tell him 'really dude how much u are cool, haha'
savat tells you 'hes free. hes in a different zone right now i
can take you ther if you want'
so i tell him 'dude no i want and EQ2 monk not an EQ1 monk duh'
savat tells you 'no no this monk can play on both eq1 and eq2.
he can be played on both games. it costs extra to do that but
i already paid it'
what a deal, right?!?!
so i tell him 'dude lets go you are cool!'
so we group up and he gates me to Colebelts Scars zone and
then and then he goes linkdead.
so im waiting and waiting and he wont come back and then do
a /who all savat and i see hes in north freeport again!!
WTF??
so i tell him 'dude omg wtf??!! im waiting in Colebelt Scars!!'
and he says 'hold on im getting the monk but i have to keep it
a secret or the gm's will find out. just fight some wyrvens
while you wait.'
so i was scared cause its a new zone but hey, im level 5 now
so i dont think many things can hurt me
but just then i had to log cause it was time to go skating but
i just wanted to say..
dude eq2 will rock with my lvl 60 monk and if anyone wants me
to pl them, just send me a tell on eq2. savat told me the
monks name was joo suxors, which i thought was a pretty dumb
name but hey, i didn't choose it.
BRAVE BRAVE ME, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
well i did it again. i ran over to commons west side (the
scary side) to try to hunt some things
anyway im running around getting losk and i see this guy named
dervish walking slow
so i run up to him and hail him and he ignores me but im used
to that here in commons west. so he keeps walking an i keep
hailing him but still getting ignored
so im like 'dude i was going to help you and tell you how to
turn on run so you can get
places faster but now i wont, haha'
and he STILL ignores me.
so i say 'dude you think your tough but i fought 4 lvl 59s
yesterday and lived'
well now im mad cause hes ignoring me and keeps walking but i
see hes wearing no gear and im going to teach him a lesson
so i attack him and i cant hit him that hard but he sure is
beating me up fast and suddenly like 10 of his friends all run
out to help him
but check this out. suddenly i see their exploiting cause ALL
OF THEM ARE NAEMED THE SAME THING
so im shouting 'dervish your a cheater you expoiter!!'
and now im almost dead and suddenly im at full health and i
turn around and its this elf guy behind me and he says 'need
some help?'
finally someones talking to me so i tell him that he can run
faster by clicking the "WALK" button at the bottom of the
screen.
and hes like 'huh?'
and i said 'i tried to tell dervish but that punk wouldn't
listen'
well wouldnt you believe it the elf guy starts to do speels on
me too, just like the meen ppl from yesterday
and elfguy says 'you better run'
and i say 'im not scared of you'
and he says 'huh?'
and i say 'im a lvl 5 monk, haha, whats up now? YOU better run'
and he just stands there
and then he says 'n00b' and leaves.
and i shout at him WTF is a n00b im a MONK ARE YOU DEAF!!>??
and this dervish guys is beating me up bad now that elf guy
left so i run and and im faster and dervish is following me
with his band of cheaters. well i see another group killing
some stuff, so i run over there and say 'hey wanna help me
kill some exploiters?'
and then dervish run up to me with his dirty no good friends
and kills me quick
so i died come back in freeport east and suddenly im getting
all these tells
sakan tells you 'dude thanks for the train, n00b'
OMG WTF???
so im like 'sakan wtf are you dumb this is fantasy, no trains
in EQ'
then..
critol tells me 'you are a total n00b dude'
WTF??
so now im wondering if n00b is like a nice name for a monk, or
something cause i hear it alot.
anyway im staying awayt frum common west side forever unless
nicer people play there
laterz
WHY SO MEAN, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
ok im on mithranieil mar and i was in commons west side and I
was lost and running around and asking for help. and this
wizard says 'i can help you'
and i say 'dude thanks cause im lost'
and he says 'click follow'
and i say 'i AM following u just start runnin'
and he says 'have it your way'
and we start running and we load a zone and then im in common
east side and im like 'thx dude'
and then im like 'can you give me exp'
and he says 'im 59'
and i say 'kool tihs should be easy!!!!!'
but then he casts a spell and i start floating and sudden i
have a SKULL on my screen!!
so I shout dude y r u trying to kil me???!!!!??!?!
and i start running to guards but he can run faster than me
and i say 'WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT WHAT ARE YOU DOIN>>>??
and hes laughing at me and says 'i just amazed cause i didnt
think you really exsisted anymore'
and i say 'WHAT??!!'
and he says 'true newbies'
WTF??
and im like 'dude im a monk'
and then like 4 other ppl show up all in the same clan as him
and are looking at me
and their jus stadin there lookin and i say 'are u guyz gonna
kill me'
and the other guys start casting spells and try to root me and
i start running and a see a boot on my screen under the skull
but somehow it didn't root me, and i was getting away to the
tunnel
and i shout 'please stop killing me!!!!!'
but they are chasing me and i have to stop cause the ruins are
between me and the tunnel
and they catch up and wizard says 'see, i told you'
and his friend say 'amazing'
and i say 'KANT YOU PLZ KILL SOMEONE ELSE???!!!'
and they are laughing and ROLF whatever the hell that means
and so the girl in the group sits down and stands up and
starts doing a speel
and i think im not dying without a fight so i try to hit her
and i cant but shes casting all this yellow stuff on me and
its not hurting me!!! so im feeling pretty tough and she gives
up and i have ALL this spells on me and im still not dead!!
i rule
anyway i say 'haha you cant kill me'
and she says' tell ya what, lets call it a draw'
and i say what?
and she says 'a tie lets call it a tie'
and i say ok
and the wizard says 'safe travels to you, skaterr'
and im like 'whatever dude your just sayin that cause you cant
kill me'
and they are all laughing at him cause he cant kill me and
they wavee to me and leave
i logged real quick incase they try to come back again
so are all high levels punks like that who will try to kill me
or did i meat the bad aapples??
all in all i reelized that commons westside is way to
dangerous for me
Act of Agression, By Skater Gnome
omg i meating the stupidist ppl in the whole world on mith marr for real
liek las night im explore this brand new zone called south ro to try and find a place to ding to 6 (im veary close to lvl, its esay cause im a monk)
so im like reely scared in this new zone and i get across the desert safe and then suddenly i see this whole camp of orc standing there and im liek 'sweet action'
so im get redy to move in to attack and sudden this palidin called lovehart come running up in front of me
and hes like 'halt'
and im liek 'um hi wtf??'
and hes liek 'u may not comit a unprovoked attack on tht peaceful camp of orc'
and im like 'huh???'
and hes like 'i do not premit u to kill them 4 no reson'
and im like 'wtf dude i need to kill the orc to get experience'
and hes liek 'i will not tolerate acts of aggerssion agianst the peacful orc, warmonger go bakc to where you came'
and im liek 'omg lamer the orcs are here to be kilt for EXP!!
and hes like 'i know your kind u think everything is here for u to kill whenever it benifit u huh?'
and im like 'uh pretty much ya'
and so he shouts to the zone 'hey everyone sktergnome is a terrorist!!'
WTF
so i can be pretty smart at times as u may no so i decide to try to give this guy some ration
so im liek 'ok dude orc are evil and attack and kill innocent players all the tiem so i can kill them rightful k??'
and he like 'it doesnt matter they did nothing to u at all'
and im liek 'OMG THEY KILT ME LAST WEEK IN NORTH RO!!!'
and hes liek 'that is a different group of orc that attack u. u have no prove taht they are related to this camp of orc in any way. u cant attak this group jjust cause they look the same u racist'
so im getting preety mad and flabergasted and hes standing there lookin g at me and some of his other friends show up and im ponder the situation
and his friends are liek 'is this the warmonger?'
and hes liek 'ya'
and suddenly i remember that mith marr is no pvp and they cant touch me haha
so im liek 'ive decided to kill the orcs anyway'
and theyre like 'not-uh we just had a vote and voted against u attacking them so now u cant'
so im liek 'whatever stop me if you want pallypants'
and then i move into the camp and start my sweet ninja kicking action
so liek the whole time lovehart and his friends are all shouting to the whole zone 'skatter is babykiller' and 'skatter is a racist and warmonger'
so i finish the kill of orcs and im liek 'whats up now haha'
and they're talk for a moment among themselvs an then the pally is like 'hey dude we dont agree with what u just did but can we loot plz?'
im thinkin about quiting eq
Response to the Quon, by Skater Gnome
*The Quon was a cleric who also had a humorous series going on about a high elf cleric of Tunare who had a high libido with extreme arrogance.
wow ok
i don reely know how to tell this story becasue it is so bizare
ok so liek its sunday morning and i siting on the couch waching cartons and eating ice cream but im still kind of groggy from al the good sleep ive been geting sence dr. henderson told me it was time to take a break from eq
so im siting there singing along with the transfomers theme song when the phon rings
so i anwser it and im liek 'ya'
but theres no talk just this hevy brething on the line and im liek 'ok fag ur not funny hello'
and so this super creepy guy voise is liek 'is this skater gnome'
so i get a litle freeked out so im liek 'uhh no, this is skater dome, with a d, u must hav teh rong number'
*click*
so i call j-mo and im liek 'fag did u jus call me?'
and hes liek 'WHO IS THIS'
and im like 'is me@!' and hes liek 'skater??' an im like 'umm ya tard who did u thik it was??'
and hes 'ohhh good ok i got a reel creepy call liek 10 min ago'
and im liek 'omg me too!!1'
and then were both liek 'wtf' at the same tiem which was so funy and we laughed but then got serius again cause we were pretty scare
so j-mos like 'im coming over'
and im liek 'ok cool ill practis my nija kicks while i wait'
and hes liek 'just dont hurt ur self remeber u r not a reel monk'
and im like 'whatever man'
someday theyll see i reely am
so i hang up and practise thunderus kick to the beat with the tranformer music all arond the living room
so the dore bell ring an im liek 'dude u dont have to nock just come in'
so the door opens and...
it wasnt j-mo
instad it is this dude that looks liek he should be a boss mob in Everquest Gay Edition
its this midle age looking guy and hes wearing leather pants waty too tight and this old torn leapord skin coat that caked with dirt and mud and hes all scruffy and hunched over and his eye and neck is twitching and his bare stomack hanging is out over his belt
so he starts hobling in to the living room on clear platform shoes with dead goldfish floting insid them but the heel is missing on one so hes not moving vary fas
so all of the suden he stops and hes liek 'r u skater gnome??' and its the same creepy voic from the telephone
so im a little shaky and l and i try to yeel out 'u have ruined ur own lands u will not ruim mine!' but all that comes out is a wimper
needliss to say i was way to scareed to try thunderus kick and i started to wonder if maybe dr henderson was rite about me not being a monk after all
so then this guy is liek 'THE QUON HAS AXED U A QUESTION ANSWER THE QUON NOW' and he starts twitching reely bad again
WTF
so im liek 'dude why r u here'
and hes like 'the quon is here to demand that u quit riting skater stories'
and im liek 'wtf who the hell in the quon??'
and he like 'the quon is a eq humorist and mofo badass. but fur some reson not enogh ppl like me so the quon is here to make u quit riting so ur fans forget u and liek me insted'
i think he was drunk cause at that part he almost stumbled an fell over
so im like 'omg dude wtf have u evar stoped to think that this doesnt have to be a contest?? u dont need to attaak ur peers just to feel good abot ur own work. u will get much more enjoymint if you stop riting stoies just to try to feel good abot urself and make people leik u, and start riting stories becuse its fun to share with others'
at this point i see j-mo sneeking up the porch behind drunk flaming homless prostatute guy with his skate bored raise over his head
but i give j-mo the eye and shake my head cause this guy reely seems more pathetic than harmful and j-mo relaxs and stand behind him quietly
so now "the qoun" is looking all confused and hes like 'the quon doesnt understad do u mean it is posible to feel good about myself witout pretending to get laid all the tiem and talking lots of s**t and tearing other ppl down??'
and im like 'yes yes it is. it is also posible to refer to urself in the first persin from time to tim u should try it is reely fun'
so he smiles ceepily and hes liek 'thanks skater u r a great guy. and very handsom too i might add what r u doing friday at 8?'
WTF?
so i give j-mo the eye again and this tiem gave him the nodding head cause im just not gonna tolarate that
so j-mo clobers him hard with his bored and we dragged him out to the street wich was hard to do cause he smelled a lot like poo
then we go back inside and j-mo is liek 'skater ur very smart phycologocally'
and im liek 'thansk ive been lerning alot from my sesions with dr henderson'
and hes like 'do u thik u helped that guy find a way to be happy?'
and im liek 'i hope so j-mo. i sure do hope so.'
Skater Gnome Stories
By Skater Gnome
THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR, by Skater Gnome
December 27, 2002
ok liek some ppl dont like chrismas that much and i have no clue
wtf is up with that omg cause chrismas is so rule
ok so like two weeks ago im come home from school and im like 'mom
i want alot of stuff for chismas can u deliver the beef??!?'
and shes liek 'no dear youll haveto ask santa why dont you go rite
him a letter'
so im like 'whatever i saw that guy down at the mall and when i
tried to ask him for stuff he was all liek 'get off me your too
old' and 'quit messin up my suit'
so im decide that the best way to get what I want is to charm my
parents with hints and good behavyer and be sneaky and stuff so
like last week my dads is reading the newpaper in the living room
so i get all interested and i sit on the couch an im liek 'father
were u in wolrd war 2??'
and he stops reading and hes liek 'dammit no son im only 45...
damm'
and im like 'ok cool but have heard of b29 bombers??'
and hes liek 'ya why'
and im like 'would you consuder them to be planes of power
??'
and he looks at me for a few seconds and then hes liek 'yes?'
so i start rubbing my chin thautfully and im liek 'innnnteresting'
and then i make a quick exit to let my sneaky hint sink in
so i keep dropin hints all week liek that in my sneaky ninja way
and finally its chrismas eve and im liek cant even slepp hardely
and im playing with my everquest dolls and my brother comes in and
hes like 'shhhh i know what mom and dad r getting u for chrismas'
and im liek 'OMG WHAT!?!?!!'
and hes liek 'dude shut ur hole'
and im like 'sorry, omg what'
so he looks out the door and down the hall to make sure no one can
heer and then hes liek 'ok, shhhh'
and im liek 'I AM SSHHHH!!11'
and hes like 'ok, ok... theyr taking u to norrath world, in
orlando flordia'
OMG WTF!!
and im like 'norath world!!?!?!? omg wtf that is so rule!!!!11!1'
and im jumping around the roome and tossing my dolls in the air
and my brothers grinning cause he got to give me the good newz an
im like 'omg dude mike i didn't even know there was such a place r
u going to go to??/?'
and hes liek 'nope'
and im liek 'why'
and hes like 'cause they can only afford a trip fur 1 of us and i
said u can go'
and im getting all tearry eyed cause my bro is so cool
so i figure i better strart packing now so i stay up reel late
getting all my stuff ready
so i finally go to sleep and i get up erly the next morning and i
grab my sutecase and im running threw the house yelling and im
liek 'wake up!! wake up!!'
and my parents come runnign out and theyr liek 'whts wrong??'
and im like 'its chrismas!!!'
and my moms liek 'omg its 2am!!1'
and im like 'but im ready NOW'
and my dads like 'why are u carrying ur sutecase'
and im like 'omg cause im going to norrath duh' but then i felt
kinda bad cause it was supposed to be a surpriz
and my parents are quiet and my moms looks at my dad says 'dear i
think its finally happened'
and my dads kneels down in front of me and hes like 'son norrath
isn't a reel place its make believe like on mr rogers'
wtf??
so im like 'yes it is to reel its in orlando omg mike said so'
and rite then i hear some snickering coming from mikes room and my
ninja sense tells me somethings not rite
suddenly i figured it out and im like 'ahha, dont try to lie to me
i see now that u want to take mike insteed of me but i wont let
you im going to norrath and u cant stop me'
so the snikering gets louder from mikes room and my ninja sense
tells me that wasnt it at all
so then im like 'omg'
and then i'm like 'wtf'
and then i realized that bro of mine had been liar
well i was a little agry to say the least and after tossing my
sute case down i ran the hall an charged his room
so i burst threw the door and so but suddenly im face to face with
this dragon as tall as me!!1!
and im scared and om like 'IEEEE' and i'm trying to land a
thounderous kick on it then i try to hide behind the bed
and mikes like 'mary chismas bro i made it myself'
and then i ninja sense told me that the dragon wasnt reel and i
came out to look at it and try to hid the wet spot on my pants
and mikes like 'dude its a dragon costume u can get in and its all
urs'
and im liek 'OMG WTF mike ur the rulest in the history of rule'
so even though mike was liar i he was still the rulest and i got
the best chrismas present of my life and im wearing it rite now
which makes it hard to tpye so be nice about spelling plz k thx la
anywhay i never did figur out who this chris guy is and why he has
a whole day sellabrating him but maybe ill lern that next year
all i know is that this chismas was the best chrismas eve
THAT TIME AGAIN, by Skater Gnome
September 12, 2002
ok liek wtf is up with school
so like last week im playing eq in my room and the sun is shining
in my window and im like 'haha its night time in norrath get it
right'
and my mom walks in the room and shes like 'who are you talking
too'
and im like 'umm my imaganary woodlef friend'
and she liek 'i thought your emaginary friend was a dwarf'
and im like 'ya he was but he farted alot so i traded him for a
female woodelf'
of course that wasnt the real reason i traded for a female woodelf
cause farting is funny the real reason shold be pretty obvious duh
haha
so my moms liek 'do you know what time it is'
and im like 'umm time for you to leave my room and let me ding
level 6?'
and shes like 'nope its school time'
omg wtf
and im like 'i feel kinda sick cough cough'
and shes like 'ok get in bed then school starts tomorrow morning'
and im like 'oh i thought you meant it started today wow i feel
better its a mericle'
so tommorrow comes around and my mom is like yelkling from the
stairs 'get up time for breakfast'
and im like 'when lavastorm freezed over'
and my dad yells 'one... two...'
and im like spirit of cheetah down the stairs and sit down at the
table
and my moms like 'omg'
and my dads like 'umm son, why dont you go back up to your room
and put some boxers and a t-shrit on or something?'
and im like 'doh, ok. lol'
so after a grumpy morning im standing at the buss stop and j-mo
shows up and im like 'hail, j-me' and hes like 'hail, skater'
and were like 'hehe'
and some other neighborhood kids show up and and jockguy jason
shows up too
and jasons like 'dude give me ur lunch money'
and im like 'i dont have any i right-clicked on all my food this
morning ill be full all day long infact i couldn't eat another
bite our i would explode'
and hes like 'wtf'
and j-mos like 'dude you shouldnt pick on ppl smarter than u'
so jason is like 'whatever' and leaves me alone
so we get to school and its all blah blah blah boring and i sleep
a little and then math class starts and we have a new math teacher
and omg wtf she is so hot!!
so class is getting started and im all sitting up strait and shes
talking about math but all i heer is 'skater gnome i love u'
and i whisper 'i love you too'
and j-mos like 'ur imaginary woodelf friend again?'
and im like 'um ya sure'
so then i hear her say 'ok class who can tell me about fractions?'
and im thinking 'omg i know all about this'
so im like 'me me me'
and shes liek 'ok' and smiles at me
so i stand up and clear my throut and im liek 'factions are very
important. if you have good faction with certain people you can
talk to them and buy stuff from them and they wont try to kill you
but if they do you can just feign death sometimes and you can live
but some places are hard to get good faction with. infact i was
wondering how i can improve my math teacher faction?'
and then i sat down and i was nodding and grinning and looking
around the class cause that was REELY smooth
and everyones liek 'dude wtf r u talking about?'
and hotmathteacher_01 is like 'thats very nice but i think were
talking about fractions, not factions, please see me after class'
omg wtf this REELY sucks ass
and my imagniary woodelf friend is like 'thats ok hun i still love
u'
and im like 'i know'
so the bell rings later and im walking slowly up to her desk and j-
mo's like 'good luck man' and im like 'ya thanks'
and i get the the desk and shes like 'that was quite a speech you
made'
and im like 'ya sorry i wont do it again'
and she laughed and said 'oh no your not in trouble. it just
sounds like you play Everquest'
and i light up and im like 'omg u play eq??!!?'
and shes like 'no, but my husband does'
and im like 'ohh ur married'
and shes like 'ya'
and im like 'k, that sucks'
and shes like 'aww im sure youll make some girl very happy someday'
and shes like 'hey maybe you can meet him in game sometime he
plays a lvl 60 necro'
and im liek 'OMG can he pl me'
and she laughs again and im like /drool and shes like 'youll have
to talk to him about that'
and im like 'omg mrs klien your are the rulest!'
and shes like 'careful skater, your starting to become a teachers
pet'
and im like 'woof woof!'
and shes like 'run along now or you'll be late to class'
so i run out and im thinking 'omg its true. guys who play eq
always get the hottest women. lucky lucky me
NO PLACE LIKE HOME, by Skater Gnome
April 13, 2002
ok like yesterday was my first day back at hom from camp
and it was very exciting
so like i get off the bus and my mom and dad are waiting
on the steps and smiling and waving at me and its all
like a kodak moment stuff
so like i give my mom a hug but not my dad cause thats
gross and my dads liek 'we have a present for you sun'
and im liek 'OMG IS IT ICE CREAM??'
and their like 'no'
and i'm all /glare
and so my dad hands me this box all wraped up and i tear
it open and im all /giggle
and i get it open and OMG its all the eq action figures!!
and im like 'omg u guys are SO the rulest'
so i run upstairs to my room and im getting them all set
up and forming little groups and to make it fair i put
all of them against the monk
so like my brother walks in and hes like 'having fun
playing with your dolls?'
and im like 'stfu dude theyr not dolls their action
figures'
and hes liek 'ya kep playing with them and i guerentee
thats the only action you'll ever get'
so I thought he was being mean but then he came over and
I showed him all the figures and my favorite one was the
big ogre with just one eye in the center of his head
so my phone rings and its j-mo and i'm like 'hello'
and hes like 'hey what r u doing'
and im like 'im playing with my one-eyed ogre'
and hes like 'omg dude wtf dont tell me gay stuff like
that'
and im like 'wtf dude its not gay my brother likes it
too'
and j-mos liek '*click*'
and i call him back and im like 'dude wtf'
and hes like 'dude wtf'
and im liek 'huh?'
and hes like 'forget it. come down to the skate park
theres some new guys here that are trying to be cooler
than us'
and im liek 'is that possible?'
and hes like 'i dont think so'
so i put away all the dolls, i mean action figures, but
i wanted to take the one-eyed ogre with me to show j-mo
so i put on my cool-jeans and grab my board and head
down to the park
so im walking up to the ramp and j-mo is liek' why are
you walking like that?'
and im like 'this is my gangster stroll'
and hes like 'wtf its that??'
and im liek 'i dunno i saw it on tv but it makes me look
cool'
and hes like 'no it doesnt stop doing it'
so that was the end of that
so were looking at these guys skating and they come
skating over to us and theyre like 'you guys get lost ur
not cool enough to skate here'
and im like 'omg dude we define cool we are even cooler
than manaburn'
and j-mo is liek 'ya and manaburn is pretty damm cool'
and im all /agree
and theyre like 'we challenge you to a skate-off then'
and im liek 'you have ruined your own lands you will not
ruin mine. your on'
so i decide to go against their best skater and we flip
a coin and i have to go first
so i start skating and i skate reel good and everyones
cheering and i finish and im like 'ahh, i feel much
better now, n00b skater01'
so its their skaters turn to go now and he starts his
run and hes skating and im liek 'damm hes good. reely
reely good'
so im thinking were gonna lose and that sux so im
thinking how i can distract him so he messes up
so then i remember i have the ogre in my pants. so i
wait till he skates close to me and suddenly i reach
into my jeans and start pulling the monstor out and im
like 'fear the one-eyed ogre, b!tch!!1!'
and he looks at me pulling my ogre outta my pants and
hes like 'AHHH!!1! and he falls down and his crew is
like 'omg dude wtf lets get outta here'
and they grab their boards and take off
and j-mo is like 'ooooohhh, you actually DO have a one-
eyed ogre. dude i think thats called ancient cyclops'
and im liek 'whatever'
and hes like 'and just why, exactly did you keep it in
you pants?'
and im liek 'it wouldnt fit in my pocket'
and he like 'oh. well it worked the poser skaters left'
and im like 'ya looks liek everyone else left too'
so liek the battle was won and the skater park was ours
to rule once again
A TURN FOR THE WORSE, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
ok like camp is reely cool and whatever but yesterday it got
reely suc
ok so like im standing on the dock at the lake cause im next
in line to ride the water weenie
so im standing there and all of the suddin i get shoved in the
back and go flying off the dock and into the water
WTF??!?!!
so like my swiming is suck so im doing doggie paddel back to
dock and i heer lots of laffing coming from everyone on the
dock and im getting reely angrey!
so im clikmbing back up the dock and im like 'omg dude ur so
dead' but when i get up to the top i see the freakin huge kid
there scowling at me ready to attack
and im like 'omg dude i thought this camp was for 13 to 15 not
30yr olds'
and hes like 'u wanna peace of me???'
and im thinking 'hell no' but i say 'oh ya i want the who
enchallada'
i dont even liek enchaladas
so im getting a little scared now and im looking around for
the zone line out of instinct or whatever but the only
safespot i can see is up the hill at the cafe where the
couseliers are but thats a long way away
so im thinking about trying feign death but we all know how
that turned out last tiem
so its just him and me at the end of the docks and hes like
lumbering toward me with his swimming flippers and facemask on
holding a snorkel in his hand liek hes gonna hit me with it
and everyone is watchin
so im standing there wondering what it will feel like to be
killed with a snorkel when i see j-mo pushing through the crowd
and hes got something in his hands and he rolls it toard me
through giganto-kids legs and its my skaterboard
and j-mos like 'two hand blunt'
and he give me the thumbs up
so i pick up my board and im gettin all fired up and breathing
hard and im scream 'feel the power of quellious b1tch'
and j-mos like 'yaulp 2! good one!'
so i charge and im swinging my board with sweet ninja action
but mammoth-boy just knocks it out of my hands and grabs me
and picks me up
and im like 'omg dude wtf put me down ur so gay'
and so he walks to the edge of the dock and starts to throw me
in again (dammit)
so im starting to fall and i reach out for anything i can grab
on to and i gget a hold on his mask
well i could only hold on to it for about the first two feet
of my fall and then i had to let go before i went splash
well i guess the face mask went flying right back into his
nose or something cause buy the tiem i doggie paddeled back to
the dock he was lying on his back with a bloody nose and the
nurse was stunding over him saying 'jonny can you heer me'
and j-mos like 'dude sweet kill!'
and im like 'ya im the rulest' and i never told anyone that i
didnt do it on purpose
so i was thinkin about looting the body but i decided that
prolly not appropriate
so anyway i got in alot of trouble and they punished me by
making me stay in the cabin for the rest of the day
i never did get to ride the water weenie but i guess thats ok
it sounds kinda gay anyway
SUMMERCAMP ADVENTURE, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002.
ok, so like my parents com into my room last week and theyre
like 'u play too much computer'
and im like 'omg the sign on my door says WOODELVES ONLY an
neither of you look like woodelfs to me'
and my dads like 'dont speak that way to your parents son'
and im liek 'i cant understand you ur not speeking elvish'
and my dads like 'your on thin ice'
so my mom say 'were worried about you we think you should take
a break and go to camp'
and im like 'everquest camp??'
and theyre like 'no'
and im like 'ok whatever ill go if j-mo can go to'
and they were happy and i thought that it was kinda funny how
i was losing parent agro by camping
so like it comes time for me to go and after a losing a big
arguement with my dad that involved me playing tug of war with
my laptop i finally get on the dumb camp bus
so im on the dumb bus and i sit in the back and an this dumb
guys lookin at me and im like 'wtf ru looking at'
and hes like 'woah bro chill. hey do u wanna smoke a bowl?'
and im like 'sorry dude im not good at pottery'
and hes like 'pottery? ive never heard it called that before'
and im like 'what do u call it haha?'
and hes liek 'pot'
and im liek 'i guess that makes sence'
so liike this guy talks to me for a long time about how cool
pottery is, so i kinda made a mental note to increase
skatterrs trade skils with pot when i get back to norrath
so like anyway we get to camp after liek 100 hours and its
nite time an all the couselers are meeting us at the bus and
herding us towards the cabins and my couseler is wearing
purple and talking to us in a girly voice and j-mo is liek 'i
think our counselir is gay'
WTF?!??
and im like "wtf cause of his voice and clothes??'
and hes like 'no cause of the rainbow bumper sticker on his
vokswalgon beetle over there'
and im liek 'i feel like were in boy scouts all over again'
and hes like 'ya'
so like we're all in our cabins and the couseler has his own
little room on the side and i cant sleep and suddenly i hear
the beep of a computer powering up
and im like 'omg' and i jump outta bed and sneka to his door
with my eq cds and its all silent so i open it and see the
computer on the other side of the room
so im sneeking over to it and i see dave (the cousulir)
sitting on his couch watching tv
so im looking at the tv for a second and im like 'omg dude are
u watching top gun????'
and he freaks out and changes it quickly and hes liek 'no look
its the princess bride!!'
and im like 'ya i dont remember pruncess bride havin f-14s in
it' but then i wish i hadnt said that cause
and hes like 'what r u doing in here??'
and im like 'ill make a deal. i wont tell anyone about you
watching top gun if you let me use ur computer'
and hes like 'uhhh, ok'
and im like '...and give me ice cream'
and hes like 'i dont have any'
and im like 'omg how can ne1 go without ice cream??'
so come to finhd out his comp wont run eq but i did let me get
on castersrealm to share an adventur with u
SUMMER CAMP ADVENTURE II, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002.
hey guys camp is fun kinda but not like eq but im having a
good time
so like yesterday me and j-mo and are hanging out in the
cafateria with this guys shane and allen cause a magic show is
on later and ive never met a real magician b4 and i reely want
to meet one
so like were sitting there talking and this black guy tyrone
comes up and hes like 'whats up my dudes'
and shanes like 'what did you just call us??'
and tyrones like 'umm...dudes'
and allens all like 'he just said the 'd' word to us'
and tyrone is like 'wtf are you talking about???'
and shane is like 'a white person can call another white
person dude but a black person cannot call a white person dude
cause its racist'
and im like 'wtf'
and j-mo is liek 'omg'
and allen is liek 'ya you can say dudez with a 'z' but not
dudes with an 's' dont worry were not mad cuase you didnt know'
and j-mo and i look at each other and were like '/roll'
and tyrone in liek 'whatever im out'
and j-mos like 'how come when a white person says it the 'd'
word its ok but when a black person says it its racist???/?'
and allens like 'a white person cant hate other white people
duh'
and j-mos like 'well i think im starting too'
so j-mo and i go sit at a different table and in a few minutes
the magic show starts
OMG!!!
its was so cool all the magic he was doing but i never
actually saw him cast any speels
so at the end of the show i go over the the magician and im
liek 'hey dude ur the rulest!!'
and hes like 'umm thanks kid'
and im liek 'what level are u im lvl 5??'
and hes like 'huh?'
and i whisper 'can i see you pet?? shhh i promise i wont tell'
and hes like 'uhhh'
and he was like starting to look all confused and i was
thinking that he wasnt a reel magician after all
so to test him i was like 'ok can you summon me sum ice
cream??'
so liek he grabbed his hat and said algebra cadabra and poof
there was an ice cream bar!!
and im liek 'OMG u ARE a MAGICIAN!!!!!!!!!!!'
so next thing i know im in the nerse station lying on a bed
and im like 'OMG I DIDNT KNOW MAGES GOT TRANSLOCATE'
and then the nerse told me to shut my pie hole and lay back
down but she didnt have any duck tape so i wasnt scared
so i was thinking that all i want to do is meat a monk someday
and then i can die happy
hmmm i wonder where my ice cream bar is????? i bet j-mo took it
NEW HORIZONS, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
ok so like im sitting down to type a new story cause something
reely funny happened last night but before i start riteing i
check my private messages
so theres this message in there from this chick darla and shes
like 'hye skatterr i just read your stories and you a so cute.
a/s/l??'
WTF?!??
so yell 'hey mike come here'
and then i yell 'sorry for yelling' cause i dont want the duck
tape but he usually lets me do it once with no tape hehe'
so mike comes in and hes like 'what'
and im like 'mike wtf does asl mean???'
and hes like 'the asl an organizasion that defend the civil
rights of minorities'
and im like 'whats a minority??'
and hes like 'in this county its someone whos not a white male'
and im like 'then what am i????'
and hes like 'the majority'
and im like 'that sucks'
so mike leaves and i write darla back and im like
'deer darla,
how are u? i am fine. i love black people. i cant give the asl
anymoney though cause i am poor. want to be frieds???'
weel i wait a few minutes and darla writes back 'skatterr you
are funny wanna cyber?'
so i yell 'mike come here'
and then i thought dammit thats the second yell, im getting
the duck tape for sure
but mike was cool for some reason and not mad so i was
like 'dude wtf does cyber mean??'
and he like clears his throat and hes like 'shes asking you
for help with her computer problems'
and im like 'that sucks i don't know anything about computers'
and hes like 'thats ok i do. why don't you go downstairs and
eat some ice cream and ill provide her with some technical
assistance'
so im like 'omg dude you are so rule!! thanks'
so i go down stairs and eat ice cream
i never new my brother liked to help on computer stuff so
much, i could hear him 'woooo-hoooo'ing from the living room.
WHATEVER, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
ok so like im eating ice cream and killing munsters in wc (i
reseantly found out wc stands for west commons and not west
coast like i thougt)
so like this warrior comes up to me and hes like 'hey dude
wanna group up??'
and im like 'whats that supposed to mean'
and hes like 'do you wanna group?
and im like '?????'
and hes like 'DO U WANNA GROUP WITH ME AND KILL THE SAME
MONSTERS FOR FAST EXP????'
and im like 'uh ya I guess as long as you dont try an KS me'
and hes like 'click follow'
and im liek 'dude your not the boss of me'
so i decide on MY OWN that i want to click follow and not
because he told me too
and then hes like 'can u sow me'
and im like 'omg dude wtf no im not a paladin'
and hes like 'i c'
so were running arond looking for munsters and he like 'a
young kodiak is incoming get ready'
and im liek 'wtf how do i get ready??'
and hes like 'just kill this'
so i start attacking it, but then i see the hes attacking it
too!!
WTF?!?!
so im like 'dude wtf stop ks'ing me!!!'
and hes like 'huh??'
and im like 'IM HITTING THIS ONE OMG R U BLIND'
well he doesnt stop hitting it so i look around to make sure
noones looking and then i use the autoattack
weel the bear dies and i get the exp and im like 'haha fag i
got exp u should think twice befroe tying to ks me im a monk'
and hes like 'umm i got exp too stupid, thats the benifit of
grouping both people get exp'
and im like 'OMG are u serious??!? is it an exploit cause i
just learned about auto attck last week but im too scared to
use it'
and hes like 'no its not an exploit'
and im like 'sweeet dude u are so rule!! ok then im gonna go
sit at the druid ring and u go kill stuff then. ill check up
on my exp from tiem to time and let u know how your doing'
and he says 'like hell you are if you can't biff me and wont
fight, i dont need you'
and im like 'OMG dude WTF I CANT BUFF U WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, A
WIZARD?!!?? now go kill stuff'
and hes like 'no'
and im liek 'please??'
and hes like 'no'
and thats when i got kicked out of the group. but what i wanna
know is what the hell is grouping good for if you cant get
free exp??!?!!?!
THE SECRETS OF EVERQUEST, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
ok, so like im in the commons east last night and im having
some ice craem and getting my determination up to go crazyman
and finish level 5.
so i see this skeleton and he runs over to me and hits me and
then laughs at me. so like theres no way im gonna put up with
that, so im attack him.
well im standing there fighting, and this monk named siegert
walks up to me and hes like 'what are you doing?'
and im like 'wtf dude im killing this dumb skele dont KS me'
i don't even know what KS means, but everyone tells me to stop
doing it alot so i think it has something to do with
roleplaying
so he's like 'why aren't you attacking it?'
WTF?!?
so im like 'dude, i am attacking it, look at this sweet ninja
kicking action, are you blind'
so im clicking kick as fast as i can so this stupid monk will
see that i can fite good and leeve me alone.
so then he's like 'skaterr, press the A key'
so i say 'A'
and hes like 'no, don't say it, just press it'
so I tell siegert 'A'
and hes like 'your kinda retarded arent you? just press the A
key'
so im like 'ok dude but this is the last favor i ever do for
you'
so i press A
well all of the sudden i start swinging with my fists and
punch the skele and it dies reely fast!
and im like 'OMG DUDE YOU ARE SO RULE!!'
and hes like 'how is it possible that you've gotten to level 5
without knowing about auto attack?'
and im like 'whats autoattack???'
and hes like 'its what you were just doing when you pressed A'
and im like 'ohh is it an exploit, cause i wont tell on you if
you dont tell on me'
and he stops for a second and hes looking at me and hes
like 'your amazing'
and im like 'ya i know im almost level 6'
and hes like 'lucky for you i came along'
and im like 'ya dude you are the rulest'
so he leaves and im all excited, so i give j-mo a call on the
phone.
and he like 'hello'
and im like 'dude i just got sooooo lucky!'
and hes like 'sweet bro!! with who?'
and im like 'this guy named siegert'
and hes like 'WTF?!?!'
and im like 'ya this monk guys showed me how to exploit the
game with autoattack'
and j-mo's like 'oooooooh, i thought... nevermind'
and im like 'ya dude it rules i can kill pretty much anything
in the game now'
and hes like 'umm, wait a sec dude, you're telling me you
didn't ever know about auto attack?? how the hell did you ever
get to level 5?'
and im like 'DUDE WTF WHY DO PPL KEEP ASKING ME THAT, IM A
MONK!!!'
and hes like 'ya how could i forget, the sweet ninja kicking
action right?'
and im like 'thats right'
so i hang up and then i start wondering why the hell my
brother never told me about the autoattack exploit.
so i go running over to his room, and im banging on the door
and im like 'MIKE!'
and he opens the door a crak and sticks his head out and hes
whispers 'SSsssshhh! dude shut-up! i cant talk right now im
getting lucky!'
so then i realized that that he must be learning about
autoattack right now too, so theres no way he could have told
me about it.
i celebrated with some ice cream.
MY NEW FRIENDS, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
ok like wtf is up with leveiling??? it gets reely boring. i
guess cause level 5 is like a hell level or somthing? im
thinking about taking a break from the grind and focosing on
equipment.
anyway so im sitting in feeraut at the druid ring thingy and i
see this little hobbit guy named hobben sitting there afk.
so like all of the sudden this spider start atacking him but
hes afk and cant fight back!
so im like 'dude dont worry ill save you!'
so i jump up and im fighting the spider and i get posioned and
im starting to like get hurt reely bad. so im liek 'hobben
hurry up and get back so you dont die!!'
and hes still just standing there afk and that sucks cause i
dont know how much longer i can hold the spider.
so i shout 'HOBBEN COME BACK TO KEYBAORD OR UR DEAD! hoping
he'll hear me.
so im liek almoset dead and this elf guy named aftathott
appears and hes like 'skaterr your very brave'
and im like 'thanks i know im a monk'
and aftathotts like 'i have to rescue hobben all the tiem too.'
and im like 'thats nice but im almost dead'
so aftathott attacks it and helps me finish it off.
so i check and i have like 12hp left and im like 'sweet dude
thanks!'
and i see hobben is back now and im like 'hey guys i have a
little suprise for you try not to get too excited'
so i guildinvite them to Heros of Norrath (my brother made me
an offiser, shh dont tell anyone). i could tell they were reel
excited caiuse they wer elooking at each other and chuckling
and laughing.
so hobbens like 'skatter we cant join your guild we kinda have
a small one our own'
so im like 'dudes forget all that we have like 15 people
already and one of them is even level 20!'
then aftathott says 'let me ask you something skatter, do you
like big adventures?'
and im like 'i sure do!!'
and aftathotts says 'do you like phat lewtz?'
and im like 'i LOVE phat lewtz!'
so then i get this message "aftathott has invite you to be a
regular member of afterlife" and i click yes.
so hobben tells the guild 'everyone say hi to skaterr who very
unselfiskly risked his life to save me from a level 3 spider'
and everyone is like 'rofl hi skaterr!' and 'welcome skaterr!'
and im liek 'HI GUYS!! is ur guild tough enough to raid
befallen?? cause i reely need a cracked staff and an leather
tunic'
and rezzum tells the guild 'oohh, befallens a toughy, i dont
know if were that good yet'
WTF?!
so im like 'aftathott, if its all the smae to you, i think ill
go back to my old guild, we have a befallen raid tonight and i
need to be with guild whos stong enough to do it'
and hes like 'you must do what you feel it right, of course
skaterr'
and im like 'no hard feelings hehe?'
and hes like 'not at all, we're sorry to lose you'
and im like 'ya i know im level 5. dont feel bad, someone else
will come alone that can help your guild eventually im sure of
it'
and hes like 'i hope so'
so we went our seperate ways and im kinda screwed now cause
now i have to explain to my brother why i need a nother guilf
invite. maybe if ask him nicely i wont get the duck tape.
YOU WIN SOME YOU LOSE SOME, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
ok so like im playing eq alot lately cause when your grounded
all you can do is play eq and eat ice cream. so im playing
saturday afternoon and noone else is home, and suddenly i see
this named mummy standing in north ro! So im like 'sweet, this
is cool'
but then i see he cons red to me, wtf. so im like 'dammit this
is gay'
so im sitting there pondering my situation when i hear someone
start knocking on the front door. so im ignoring them and
trying think if i have enough endurance to log my brothers
cleric in and run back and forth from his room to my room and
fight and heal and fight and heal.
so whoever is knocking on the door is still knoching and they
call out 'hello is anyone home?'
so i yell 'no!!'
and they yell 'ahha we heard that, come down and talk to us a
minute'
so i yell 'woof woof!' hoping that i can fool them.
but then they're like 'comeon down, it will only take a minute'
and i yell 'im not allowed to answoer the door!!'
and theyre like 'what?'
WTF!?!
so i run my ass downstairs and yank open the door and im
like 'I SAID IM NOT ALLOWED TO OPEN THE DOOR CAUSE IM HOME
ALONE!!'
and then im thinking that ive been tricked somehow, cause here
i am with the door wide open.
so this old guy and this old woman are standing there smiling
at me, ahnd the guy says 'hi there my young friend, my name is
frank and this is my wife vergina and we are from the chuch of
ladder-day saints.
and im like 'cool we have a ladder too'
and he says 'id like to talk to you for a few minutes about
our church can we come in?'
so then i start thinking all deep and intelichual and my mind
hatches a brilliant plan.
so im like 'hey saint frank i wanna be a ladder saint too'
and he says 'wonderful! your never too young!'
so im like 'but dude you have to help me with something first'
so i grab him by the wrist and im dragging him upstairs to my
brothers room and hes huffing and puffing and his wife is
like 'where are you going with my husband?'
so i sit saint frank down in my brothers chair and load up eq
and log on his cleric.
so im like 'listen saint frank i need you to take the mouse
and clikc on that little button right there a few times before
i become a siant'
and hes looking up and me kinda bewildered and hes still
breathing hard from his sprint up the stairs.
so i show him what to do, and i run to my room and i see some
ranger starting to attack the named mummy!!
so i rush in and attcjk it too and im getting beaten up bad
and im like 'click the button frank! CLICK IT!!'
and i hear him in there clicking away as fast as he can, and
hes still weezing. and verginas hobbling up the stairs
saying 'frank whats going on??'
so the fight is going good and saint frank is clicking the
buttons like i showed him and i end up killing the mummy and
looting it!
so frank is like 'what does "joo sux0rs" mean?'
and im like 'that means the ranger wants to join your chruch
too.'
and franks like 'oh'
so i log off and i run into my brothers room and im
like 'frank your the man!'
and he and vergina are looking up at me all wide-eyed and a
little scared and hes like 'you arn't gonna hurt us are you?'
and im like 'no way dude, u rule!'
and im like 'lets go downstairs and ill get you some beers for
u and your wife'
so im dragging frank down to the living room and vergina is
hobbling after us saying 'frank whats going on??'
i think shes a bit slow, that one.
well we get down to the livingroom and all of the sudden my
dad walks in.
and hes like 'what the hell is going on here?'
and im like 'hi dad, this is saint frank, and he wants to
borrow our ladder. hes really cool'
and then i whisper 'but be nice to his wife cause shes a
little feeble in the brain if you know what i mean'
but then franks like 'im sorry to disturb you people. we
really need to be going'
and im like 'frank whats up, when do i get to be a ladder
saint???'
and hes like 'someother time' and he and vergina hussle out
the door.
so i look out the window and theyre trotting away looking over
there shoulder back at the housr and i couldnt help but
thinking what a nice couple they were and hoping that they
would visit us again soon.
LIVE AND LET DIE, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
ok so like last night im playing eq, and the phone rings and
its my friend jeff moncrief (who we call J-Mo as a nickname
cause it sounds like j-lo and he hates it) and hes like 'dude,
ive got too tickets to Godsmack for tonight!!'
and im like 'omg dude wtf so you you are so gay. im not going
to a concort with you just the two of us'
and hes like 'wtf dude girls are coming with us. like 10 ppl
are goin'
so im like 'sweeeet dude, u r not gay u rule'
so i grab my jacket and yell 'mom ill be back in a sec, i have
to go outside to pee'
and shes liek 'huh? cant you use the bathroom like a normal
person?'
but i was already out the door by then, and i run over to j-
mo's house and there all outside waiting for me.
so we pack like 10 ppl in the honda and im liek 'dude get off
me homo' and 'dude stop touching me' like the whole way there.
anyway we get there, and were parking and we all get out and
go up the the gates, and theres this long-ass line and we get
in line, and all of the sudden these guys behind us are
like 'hey dudes, we were in line first you just cut us'
and im liek 'wtf dude no you weren't you just came up i saw
you, liars'
and the girls who came with us are giggling and looking at me
and im feeling tough.
so one of the guys pushes me and says 'are you calling me a
liar?'
and im like 'uhh, ya are you deaf? dont make me eagle strike
your ass'
but these guys are big and older and im thinking maybe i
should have handled it a little differently.
so hes walking toward me with his fists ready and everything,
and im getting reely scared now, when suddemly i remember...
feign death! feign death!
now let me tell you... that sh!t doesnt work in reel life,
cause i fell down and played dead real convincingly and he
didnt even hesitate before starting to kick my ribs in.
so lift my head up and im like 'dude wtf im dead just look at
me' and i close my eyes and stick my tounge out, and he didnt
even think about stopping.
so im getting reely hurt now and i look up and i see j-mo
looking at me and im like 'j-mo nuke him wtf!!'
so j-mo comes running over and stops it and im like hurt
pretty bad and those guys run off and j-mo is like 'dude quit
crying sissy'
and im like 'dude, stfu, im not crying im alergic to the
pavement'
so im grumpy and this girl sara who rode with us comes up to
me and shes like 'aww skatey-poo are you ok huney?'
and im like 'ya im fine'
and shes holds my hand and says 'is there anything i can do to
make you feel better?'
and i think about it for a minute and im like 'ya, u can get
me some ice cream'
so in the end i got some ice cream and saw a good concort so
it wasnt reely all that bad. ive been grounded for tto weeks
though, but hay, i can still play eq, so im happy.
I LOVE MY BROTHER, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
so im sitting Fireonia Vei last nite at about 11 aclock eating
icecream and feeling bored and all of the sudden my brother
shows up at the bank with his 60 enchater. and he see's me and
types 'Hey Skaterr '
so i yell 'hey mike. hi'
and hes like 'dude dont yell, just freakin type it in'
so i yell 'dude WTF ur rite down the hall, typing is dumb'
and so he types 'ya and mom and dad are asleep already'
so i yell 'oh ya ur rite my bad ill type stuff now'
so he types 'when are you gonna start'
so i yell 'right now!!'
and he types 'your still yelling...'
and i yell 'WELL QUIT ASKING ME STUFF!!11!'
so then he says 'want me to PL you?'
and i say 'ok cool'
and hes like 'wow, you do know how to type'
and im like 'stfu'
so we group up for the scary spidur run from fireonia vie to
lake if the ill omens, and we get to the bridge to cross and
im getting nervous and eating icecream faster and faster.
well we get to the end of the bridge when all of this sudden
this 45 monk say 'HALT! you may not pass without paying the
bridge toll.'
and the monks standing there at the end of the bridge looking
at us. waiting for some plat or somthing.
WTF??
so my brother says 'how much is the toll'
and the monk says '200p a peace'
and my brother says 'what if we dont pay it'
and the monk says 'ill train you while you run to loio'
so im like 'dude monks are gay'. but then i remembered that im
a monk, and that didnt really sound good so i asked my brother
if there was a way to erase what i had said, and he said no'
so my brother says 'we shall pay you, and also buff you, so
you can defend this bridge even better'
so i yell 'OMG MIKE WTF ARE YOU DIONG!?!?!?'
and hes like 'can it, bullhorn. if you yell again, im gonna
duck tape your mouth shut'
jezz my brother an his damn duct tape.
so he gives the monk 400p and invites him to the group for
some group buffs. so the monk joins us, and im like 'dude ur
gay, but not ALL monks are gay' so now i felt better about
calling monks gay when i am one
so he like 'whatever suxor. going afk for b-room while you
buff me, brb'
and my brother says 'incoming monk buffs!' and begins to cast
a speel. and promptly turned the monk into a werewolf.
well the guards didnt liek that so much, so they started
attaking him and killed him pretty quick. well he came back to
the keyboard and was like "WTF why am i dead??!!'
and im like 'cause your gay, and the guards dont tolerate that
here in FV.'
and my brothers liek 'dude im SO sorry.. forgot about
illusions getting oyu killed in FV. ill get you a rez'
so we find this 30 cleric whio will rez him, and he gets back
to his corpse after lots of biching about getting a higher rez
and losing exp.
so while he was looting his corpse, mike did it again. it only
took 1 hit to kill the monk this time so im falling off my
chair laughing. and i yell 'mike you are so freakin funny im
peeing in my pant'
well 10 seconds later theres mike standing behind me with duct
tape in hand. dammit.
so i get my mouth taped and hes like 'can you still breath?'
and im liek 'mmhmfmmmh'
and hes like 'that was worth 400p, wasnt it'
and im like 'mmhhmmfmmhmm'
all in all it was a good night. mike was thinking about
logging on his wizard and offering to gate the monk to DL, and
taking him to cobelt scars instead, but we figured he had had
enough.
mike let me take the duct tape off after haf an hour, but by
then my ice cream had melted, so i had to use a straw instead.
like i said, all in all it was a good night.
FUNNY HOW THE WORLD WORKS SOMETIMES, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002.
hey like, my birthday is friday. well my brother and a few of
his friends were talking about what gift to give me, and my
brother mentioned a cof for my monk, or a fungi, whatever that
is
weel then my brother looks over at me playing eq and says 'hey
wait, lets get him a stripper.
OMG WTF?!?
now i KNOW wht a stripper is. i had to use one on the kicthen
walls last summer when my dad and me repainted part of the
house. it doesnt work very well and its not fun AT ALL
so im like 'dude WTF, why would i want a stripper??!!
and my brother and his friends are looking at me funny, and
they say 'umm, stripers are alot of fun, bro. youll understand
when your older'
how can this be?? what do they know that i dont??
well they go outside and do whatever it is college people do,
and i log off eq and decided to give this stripper thing
another chance
so i go down stairs to try to get my dads stripper and
practise with it a bit and see i was missing someting...but i
cant find it anywere
so i call my mom at work and im like 'mom have you seen dads
stripper'
and she says 'what?!'
and im like dad has a stripper, do you know were?'
and she starts breathing heavy and whatever.
so she says 'your father has a STRIPPER?!'
and im like 'chill mom, jezz, ya sometimes he keeps it in the
basement, but i cant find it anywhere'
and my mom is foaming at the mouth and yelling 'SHES BEEN OVER
TO THE HOUSE??!!??'
WTF?!
i never knew this was such a hot topic
and im like 'listen you didnt mind the stripper so much when
you got a new kitchen remodled'
and shes like 'I DIDNT KNOW ABOUT ANY STRIPPER' blah blah
blah... and 'THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON SINCE LAST SUMMER??!!'
so im like 'umm mom ill call ya later of something, jezz'
and shes like 'DONT YOU HANG UP ON...."
so im like 'WTF'
so i go downstairs again and finally find the stripper on the
toolbench
so i bring it up to my bedroom and plug it in and man i must
have gotten bigger and stronger since last summer cause that
striper worked reel good
so there i was peeling perfect stips of paint off my wall, and
im like 'hey this isnt so bad'
so then i decide to write my name, and i do it and im
thinking 'like, my brother was right this is fun haha'
well then the phone rings and its my grandfaather who lives
all the way overr in Britin Engalend.
so he says 'good afternoon son, and how are you?'
and i say 'hey gramps im great im playing with a striper in my
bedroom!'
and he says 'pardon me?'
and im like 'ya, im getting one for my birthday, so i decided
to practise with my dads stripper in my bedroom and i reely
like it'
and he cleared his throught and said 'oh dear'
and im like 'ya at first i didnt like it, but now its really
growing on me'
and he says 'so its growing, is it *ahem* *cough*? ummm, is
your mother there?'
and just then my mom burst through the bedroom door all red
faced and looked at me and looked at the wall and i dropped
the phone and i was thinking 'oh man i am screwed'
and shes like 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!'
and im like 'mom, im playing with dads stripper dont be mad'
and she stops and looks at me again and at the wall, and all
of the sudden she starts laughing and giggling and gave me a
big hug and a kiss on the forhead (ewww) and she wasnt mad
anymore (my dad sure was we he got hom, but thats a different
story)
anyway all the guys at skool think im reely cool now when i
tell them that my mom likes strippers and that im getting one
for my birthday. seems like they all want to come over friday
and play with it too, but i dont think ill let'em.
EASY CASH AND SILLY GIRLS,. by Skater gnome
August 6, 2002
well, like last week i was playing eq at my friends house, and
his sister was like 'hey, quit that and come help me with
something'
so im like 'hey shutup for a sec im almost done beeting a
dervish!'
so she comes over and turns the computer off!!! and im
yelling 'mike!! mike!! your sisters a meanhead!!'
and she says 'mikes gone with my mom to get the dog back from
the vet thats why i need your help'
so im like 'dammit fine then, since i cant play eq anymore'
so we go upstairs and shes like 'help me move my bed to this
side of the room'
so im like 'this sucks'
and shes like 'your a whiner'
and i get mad and im like 'no im not, you are'
anyway, were moving the bed and we get it across the room, and
theres this quarter under the bed
and she picks it up and walks over too me and looks at me for
a sec then whispers in my ear 'i'll bet you this quarter that
i can kiss you without touching you'
so im like 'sweet! thats a free quarter!'
so i say 'you better pay up when you lose'
and she just smiles and gets closer and kisses me right on the
mouth!
then she took my hand and put the quarter in it, looked me in
the eyes and smiled and said 'looks like i lost'
and im like 'dam right, you did'
and she says 'so how was that?'
and i said 'good, you taste like jolly ranchers!'
and she laughed and said 'that would be my lip gloss'
and she said 'im going to go for a swim in our pool, wanna
help me get changed into my bathing suit?'
and i was like 'hell no i have a quarter to spend on some ice
cream, haha, woo-hoo!!'
then i ran out of the room, which took a little while, because
the door had gotten locked somehow.
anyway a bossy cheerleader and her money are easily parted i
guess
THE STAKERS AMONG US, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
omg check this out.
so last night im killing fire beeatles and eating ice and i
get this tell..
slayerr tells you 'your posts on cr forums sucks and u r
stupid'
WTF?!?
i tell slayerr 'dude who are you and wtf?'
slayerr tells you 'im on cr forums and read your posts and
their dumb an u r dumb too dumbface, whos dumb.'
so i say 'dude did you create that character just to log onto
mith marr and taunt me?'
slayerr tells you 'ya sucker you suck and your dumb and im not
and you suck and i dont haha'
so im thinking that slayerr is a loser and a meaniehead.
so my brother is watching TV and i call him into the room and
he reads whats been wroten and he chuckles and he says come
with me.
so my brother logs on his 57 wizard and tells slayerr 'hi
friend and well met!'
slayerr tells him 'who the hell r u n00b'
mykrel (57 Wizard) tells slayerr 'im quitting eq and selling
my 57 wizard for one penny to the person with the coolest
name, and i think you may be the one!'
slayerr tells mykrel 'awesome!!! dude u r cooler than
airsupply!!'
mykrel tells slayerr 'hold on though, there are a few others
who are in the running'
slayerr tells mykrel 'dude comeawn pleeaaase!! I have a cool
name cause im cool and handsome!'
mykrel tells stayerr 'don't go anywhere, in ten minutes i'll
tell you who wins, but your looking really strong right now'
slayerr tells mykrel 'sweet dude u r a studly man, a beautiful
man'
WTF?!?
so my brother looks at me, and i'm like 'ya dude, i dunno what
up with that?'
so my brother waits 10 minutes and watches TV, then he
petitions 'a level 1 player named slayerr keeps bothering my
trying to buy my account for one penny. please take action on
this'
so then my brother tells slayerr 'no i will not sell you my
account, please stop bothering me'
and then slayerr tells him 'DUED WTF YOU SELL ME YOUR ACCOUNT
I WAITED 10 MINUTEDS!!'
and mykrel tells him 'there will be no account selling, it's
against the rules, please stop bothering me'
and slayerr tells him 'bullsh1t dude you can sell it and get
away with it, i do it all the time i have a cleric and warrior
and they are 52 and i bought them off ebay, i get all my
characters off ebay, now sell me your account for a
penny!!!!!!'
then my brother does a /report slayerr, whatever that is.
so slayerr keeps going on and on and on, about how my brother
needs to sell, and that he is NOT cooler than airsupply
anymore.
then he gets another tell..
GUIDE forsythe tells you 'im sorry about all that. slayerr
won't be bothering you or anyone else for awhile, his account
has been suspended and is under review for a ban.
so we log off and eat more ice cream.
then my brother says 'slayerr probably drunk right now,
singing "im all out of love"'
and we had a good laugh and ate ice cream.
I guess what goes around comes around.
"23rd"
I was invisible and running through the Karanas one day when I noticed a young gnome near the gypsy camp. He was fighting a lion and though it looked like he would win the battle, being a fellow gnome, I decided to help the guy out.
I targeted the lion, clicked on my mesmerize spell, then *started* to type: "I'm mesmerizing the lion for you." I got as far as: "I'm " when I remembered that I had replaced my mesmerize spell with an Area of Effect mesmerize spell... and that I was standing next to an NPC enchantress. *Gulp.
My movement keys are mapped to "w a s d" so I frantically stabbed at my keyboard, trying to MOVE and interrupt the spell.
I forgot that I was in typing mode.
The gypsy enchantress didn't like my attempt to mezz her so she promptly charmed me and made me go after the gnome I had been trying to *save*. I watched in horror as my peace-loving character, knife flailing like a crazed sushi chef, chased the little guy down and stabbed him to death.
I found my victim later and apologized profusely... I even gave him a nice weapon and a piece of armor. He was great about it, and laughed when I told him what happened.
He said he didn't know WHAT was going on. One minute he was fighting a lion, the next minute a strange gnome appeared out of NOWHERE, announced: "I'm wwwaaaddd", then sliced him up like Freddy Krueger.
What a Magic Kingdom!!1 by Skater Gnome
April 27, 2004
ok so its no secrit that ive takin a break from eq but latly ive getting some email asking ‘skatr where r u’ and ‘skater why hav u forsaken us’ and even a call one nite at 2am from some dude that was crying and just kept saying ‘skater gnome!!11’ over and over again
sadly u cant dragon punch people in the face over the phone
anyway I miss my eq peeps so much I thougt id just tell ppl what ive been up too latly
ok so last weak my mom says ‘skatr we have a supris for u’
and im liek ‘omg what tel me now’
and shes like ‘just go git in the van’
so I run out to the van and everyon is in there even j-mo!
so I get in and we drive but then we keep driving for like 100 HOURS and im like ‘if the surprise is riding in the van then I don’t want it any more’
so we were reely bored and then j-mo is like ‘hey dude I have silly string’
so we shoot the silly silly string at mom first shes like ‘stop!’ and we’re like ‘hehehe’
so then we shoot it at dad but he didn’t say stop, he just started to pull the car over to the side of the rode
so im thinking he mus not of notice that we shot him so I shot him again and hes like ‘DAM U
KID!!11’
and im like ‘dam is a bad word u lover of innorukk!!1’
well once the car was stopped he proved his dark aligence by performing a ritual of pain that involved his belt and my bottom and maybe just a little bit of crying
and j-mo is laughing and is like ‘dude monks don’t cry’ and im like ‘stfu
so anyway we finely stop the car and mom is like ‘here we are!!1’ and im like ‘yay were at a parking lot how fun!!1’ and my mom is like ‘no son were at Disney world’
so im like ‘wtf is Disney world!1’
and hes like ‘ok’
so we group up and zome into Adventureland
so were creeping along looking at how cool the zone is when suddenly I see 7 gnomes come out of this little hut and behind them is the mos beautiful girl in the world
and im like ‘omg j-mo look its gnomes!!!!1’
and he’s like ‘ya and there visiting with TUNARE!!!”
so im like ‘mong duuuuuude tunare drops the best lewt evar!!!!11 omg lets get it!!!1’
and j-mo is like ‘dude I cant im a druid!”
and im like ‘so what you worship karana!1’
and hes like ‘ya I guess ur rite but we don’t even have any weapons’
and im like ‘well lets go one of these shops and buy gear’
so we jump into one of the Adventureland shops and im like ‘hail a shopkeper’
and the shopkeeper is like ‘welcome to my shop could I interest u in [a plastic bow and suction cup arrow] or [an Indiana jones leater whip]?
so I say ‘what about [a plastic bow and suction cup arrow]?
and he’s like ‘huh’?
and j-mo is like ‘dude u spoke it wrong’
so hes like ‘I would like to purchase [a plastic bow and suction cup arrow] and [a Indiana jones leter whip].
so the shopkeeper smiles and gives us both items and j-mo pays him and im like ‘well done j-mo!’
and hes beams a big smile
and im like ‘omg hey j-mo look theyre trying to beat us to the lewt!!!1’
and hes like ‘OH NO THEY DON’T!!!’
so we go charnging to the gnomes and tunare as fast as we can and I run up to tunare and im like ‘TUNARE SURENDAR 2 US OR FACE CERTAIN DETH!!!1’
but she wasn’t scared at all she just smiled at me and opened up her arms to grap me!!
so right befor she got to me I pulled the bow back and shot an arrow rite to her head BUT IT BOUNCED RIGHT OFF and is tart thinking that maybe I should have conned her before attacking
but she stops coming at me and yells ‘security!’
so j-mos like ‘uh-oh’ and he takes off and im like “COME BAC HERE U COWARDLY DRUID!!11” but then I see tunares guards running toward me in yellow jackets
so take off an im running so fast as I can but tunares guards are catching!!1 up and im weaving and ducking but to not avail!!
so just before I decid to feign deth I see j-mo peeking his head around the corner of haunted manision and im like “SNARE THEM J-MO!!! SNARE!!!!!’ and hes like ‘I CANT!!11 and im like “USE THE SILLY STRING!!1’
so j-mos eyes get all big and he jumps out from behind the corner and screams ‘BY THE POWER OF KARANA!!1’ and shoots the sully string at the guards and omg it reely worked good they slowed down and wiped their faces and eyes and were holaring and yelling mean things
and j-mos like ‘what do we do??!’
and im like ‘lets circle back around and get tunare whil the guards are snared!!’
and hes like ‘ok!” and were all excited
so im running past the 7 gnomes to get to tunare but can you believ it one of the gnomes aggros and grabs me by the shirt and says ‘hey kid not again go get ur parents’
and im liek ‘wtf my beef is not with u gnome cant you see were brothars?!’
and hes like ‘better get your folks kid before security gets here’
and im like ‘listen here grump if ur looking to buy some ass whoop im open ALL DAY LONG’ so then I do round kick!
but for som reson I didn’t lern my leson from tunare and I forgot to con him too before I attacked and before I know it all the gnomes had me pined odwn and im yelling ‘omg wtf how can u betray ur own kind!!!11’
so by that time the yellow coated guards were back and they grap me and taking me to their fortres by the gate on their 4wheeler mounts
so I get there and j-mo has been captured too and we were like ‘omg dude we were so close’
well to make a long story shrot my dad showe dup soon after and performed that dark ritual again and there was some crying and stuff but later that day we got to zone back into adventureland and even though we didn’t see any more high lvl mobs we still had a reely reely good tim
The end
The originals can be found here through
archives.org: https://web.archive.org/web/20060222113015/http://eq.crgaming.com/skater/
MY BIG ADVENTURE, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
ok i get home last night, right, and i turn on the monitor and
i guess what i see? my brothers account is at the character
selection screen, hehe.
so im very tempted to log his 60 enhcanter on but he said to
never ever play it, but that was BEFORE i leart everything
about eq with my 5 monk.
so im thinking about it and i decided to eat some ice cream.
so im eating ice cream and looking at the enchanter and eating
more ice cream and finally i push the ice cream aside and log
in Tyru (named changed duh)the enchanter
anyways im fealing reely tough and looking around but i dont
recognize where i am and thats wierd cause ive been in all 8
of the zones already with my monk
well then i get this tell
Rathmus tells you 'are you coming dragon nec with us?'
so i tell him 'which one?' cuase i dont know which dragon he
means
Rathmus tells you 'what..?'
i tell him 'which dragon duh'
and then theres this long pause and he says 'ummm, dragon
necropolis... the guild raid tonight. we're kill zoolander'
ROFL a bad guy named zoolander!!
so i tell him 'hahaha dude u r funny there is no mob named
zoolander, haha, haha.'
so then he says 'Tyru are you ok?'
so i say 'no dude im peeing my pants cause u r a funny guy'
so then there is this long pause again and he says 'just read
the motd and get out to WW asap'
WTF??!!
so im like 'omg dude, speak freakin enlgish wtf'
so i see in guild chat that a wizard is giving away pickups at
gbp.
well this i just HAVE to see. a pickup in eq, haha.
so i say to the guild 'where the hell is gbp??!!
and the wizard is like 'if you cant even remember that, you
should just click gate and find out'
so i gate and im in the dwarf snow town of whatever and there
is the wizard with a bunch of other ppl from the same clan.
so i say 'dude i want a pickup plz, a red one, or green and is
it faster than horses??'
so the wizard invites me and then before i could get a pickup
somehow i gated again!!
WTF, stupid enchanters, jezz.
anyways were all in colebelts scars again (where my 60 EQ2
monk is parked, if the dumb guy will ever give him to me) and
we all start running for like FOREVER. and we keep going and
going and going. so i say screw this im getting mor ice cream.
so i get some more ice cream and i turn on the tv and full
house is a reely stupid show btw.
so anyway i go back to the computer and i see im in the snow
dworf city again!!!
WTF stupid random gating crap hell is this??!!
so Rathmus tells me 'consent me'
and im like 'WTF??'
and he says 'consent me we're all waiting on you'
so im like 'waiting on me for what?'
and he doesn't answer and then he says 'consent me now'
so i say 'how?'
and he tells me.
anyway, i get this box offering me FREE EXP (prolly cause i
flirted with GM LONI yesterday) so i click it of course, my
brother will be so happy! but wouldn't you know it, that damn
enchanter gates again!!
so now im outside with everyone again and i see this corpse
with the same name as me, but im used to verants bugs now, so
i loot it.
then Rathmus says 'Buff here and when your group is buffed,
zone in. send tells now.'
so suddelny like 10 ppl send me a tell saying 'SoS'
OMG!! they must be in trouble, right
so i run over there to them and im yelling 'ill save you!' but
i dont see whats hurting them so bad that they have to say SOS
to me for. in fact they looked ok.
so now im getting like A HUNDRED TELLS saying 'sos plz'
or 'kei'.
WTF?!?
so im like 'dudes i dont speak french or whatever'
anyway we finally zone in and this big orge is running off and
suddenly THE SKELATON DRAGON APPEARS AND STARTS TO ATTACK HIM!
so i run out there and start hitting it, and hes a big sissy
cause hes running back toward the group. then it dawns on me
why everyone was saying 'sos'.
so im getting hurt real bad but then the whole group finally
comes out to fight it, those scaredy cats, and i say 'haha you
guys are scared sissys'
and the dragon dies and i jump up to get more ice cream and
THERES MY BROTHER STANDING BEHIND ME!
uh oh.
so his face is all red and his eyes are all big and hes
looking at me
so im like 'dude chill i just killed a dragon for you'
so he grabs me and puts me in a chair and grabs some duct tape
and wraps it all around me!! how ingrateful can you get!?!?
so i'm trying to tell him about the free 96% exp that the GM
gave him, but he wont listens he just keeps taping me
WTF??
so hes done taping me and he rolls me outside on the porch and
locks the door. so people are so unthankful.
anyway all in all it wasnt to bad, cause after an hour or so
he threw some icecream out the window and i was able to tip
the chair over and eat some while i waiting for him to cool
down and untape me.
i guess the lesson i learned is to nextime take MY monk to
kill the dragon and not my brother randomly-gating enchanter.
jezz.
HOW IT ALL WORKS OUT IN THE END, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
ok so eq2 is coming out now eh?
WTF??
what about all the hard work ive put into my characters?? is
it all going down the tolet??
well im not going to let that happen so a few hours ago i
logged onto eq
'selling reel good lvl 5 monk for USA dollars, send tell' i
start auctioning
im not going to let verant screw me. hell i have over ONE DAYS
PLAYED ON MY ACCOUNT!!
well i keep auctioning for awhile, and then this hot darkelf
chick walks up to me
GM LONI tells you 'hi skaterr. i wanted to remind you that
selling your account is against the EULA and is a bannable
action'
so i reply 'loni dude this is some damn hell crap. u r
scerwing us all with eq2 all my time on eq1 is worthless'
GM LONI tells you 'skaterr, eq1 is not going anywhere for a
long long time'
so then i get this idea cause i like to think outside the box
and stuff.
so i tell GM LONI 'hey hotcakes, r u going 2 be a gm on eq2???
cause if you are how about i give you like 20 platz and you
can pl me on eq2 or give me cool stuff'
GM LONI tells you 'it doesn't work that way skaterr. and im
not going to be a gm on eq2 that i know of'
well i figure she HAS to say that or she gets fired.
so i told her 'i know you cant say anything. shhhhhh. i wont
tell or anything, but just poke me twice if you will do it i
can keep a secret and your hot'
so she says 'consider this a warning skaterr. please re-read
the eula.'
so i tell her 'does that mean youll do it sweetcheeks??'
you know you have to flirt with these girl if you need
something they like that.
so i figure if i cant sell my account i may as well buy an eq2
accout
so i start auvtioning 'WTB EQ2 lvl60 MONK SEND TELL I HAVE 26
PLAT'
and this keeps going and i get a tell from a wizard named
savat.
savat tells you 'i have a level 60 monk on eq2 that i will
give you'
so i tell him 'really dude how much u are cool, haha'
savat tells you 'hes free. hes in a different zone right now i
can take you ther if you want'
so i tell him 'dude no i want and EQ2 monk not an EQ1 monk duh'
savat tells you 'no no this monk can play on both eq1 and eq2.
he can be played on both games. it costs extra to do that but
i already paid it'
what a deal, right?!?!
so i tell him 'dude lets go you are cool!'
so we group up and he gates me to Colebelts Scars zone and
then and then he goes linkdead.
so im waiting and waiting and he wont come back and then do
a /who all savat and i see hes in north freeport again!!
WTF??
so i tell him 'dude omg wtf??!! im waiting in Colebelt Scars!!'
and he says 'hold on im getting the monk but i have to keep it
a secret or the gm's will find out. just fight some wyrvens
while you wait.'
so i was scared cause its a new zone but hey, im level 5 now
so i dont think many things can hurt me
but just then i had to log cause it was time to go skating but
i just wanted to say..
dude eq2 will rock with my lvl 60 monk and if anyone wants me
to pl them, just send me a tell on eq2. savat told me the
monks name was joo suxors, which i thought was a pretty dumb
name but hey, i didn't choose it.
BRAVE BRAVE ME, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
well i did it again. i ran over to commons west side (the
scary side) to try to hunt some things
anyway im running around getting losk and i see this guy named
dervish walking slow
so i run up to him and hail him and he ignores me but im used
to that here in commons west. so he keeps walking an i keep
hailing him but still getting ignored
so im like 'dude i was going to help you and tell you how to
turn on run so you can get
places faster but now i wont, haha'
and he STILL ignores me.
so i say 'dude you think your tough but i fought 4 lvl 59s
yesterday and lived'
well now im mad cause hes ignoring me and keeps walking but i
see hes wearing no gear and im going to teach him a lesson
so i attack him and i cant hit him that hard but he sure is
beating me up fast and suddenly like 10 of his friends all run
out to help him
but check this out. suddenly i see their exploiting cause ALL
OF THEM ARE NAEMED THE SAME THING
so im shouting 'dervish your a cheater you expoiter!!'
and now im almost dead and suddenly im at full health and i
turn around and its this elf guy behind me and he says 'need
some help?'
finally someones talking to me so i tell him that he can run
faster by clicking the "WALK" button at the bottom of the
screen.
and hes like 'huh?'
and i said 'i tried to tell dervish but that punk wouldn't
listen'
well wouldnt you believe it the elf guy starts to do speels on
me too, just like the meen ppl from yesterday
and elfguy says 'you better run'
and i say 'im not scared of you'
and he says 'huh?'
and i say 'im a lvl 5 monk, haha, whats up now? YOU better run'
and he just stands there
and then he says 'n00b' and leaves.
and i shout at him WTF is a n00b im a MONK ARE YOU DEAF!!>??
and this dervish guys is beating me up bad now that elf guy
left so i run and and im faster and dervish is following me
with his band of cheaters. well i see another group killing
some stuff, so i run over there and say 'hey wanna help me
kill some exploiters?'
and then dervish run up to me with his dirty no good friends
and kills me quick
so i died come back in freeport east and suddenly im getting
all these tells
sakan tells you 'dude thanks for the train, n00b'
OMG WTF???
so im like 'sakan wtf are you dumb this is fantasy, no trains
in EQ'
then..
critol tells me 'you are a total n00b dude'
WTF??
so now im wondering if n00b is like a nice name for a monk, or
something cause i hear it alot.
anyway im staying awayt frum common west side forever unless
nicer people play there
laterz
WHY SO MEAN, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
ok im on mithranieil mar and i was in commons west side and I
was lost and running around and asking for help. and this
wizard says 'i can help you'
and i say 'dude thanks cause im lost'
and he says 'click follow'
and i say 'i AM following u just start runnin'
and he says 'have it your way'
and we start running and we load a zone and then im in common
east side and im like 'thx dude'
and then im like 'can you give me exp'
and he says 'im 59'
and i say 'kool tihs should be easy!!!!!'
but then he casts a spell and i start floating and sudden i
have a SKULL on my screen!!
so I shout dude y r u trying to kil me???!!!!??!?!
and i start running to guards but he can run faster than me
and i say 'WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT WHAT ARE YOU DOIN>>>??
and hes laughing at me and says 'i just amazed cause i didnt
think you really exsisted anymore'
and i say 'WHAT??!!'
and he says 'true newbies'
WTF??
and im like 'dude im a monk'
and then like 4 other ppl show up all in the same clan as him
and are looking at me
and their jus stadin there lookin and i say 'are u guyz gonna
kill me'
and the other guys start casting spells and try to root me and
i start running and a see a boot on my screen under the skull
but somehow it didn't root me, and i was getting away to the
tunnel
and i shout 'please stop killing me!!!!!'
but they are chasing me and i have to stop cause the ruins are
between me and the tunnel
and they catch up and wizard says 'see, i told you'
and his friend say 'amazing'
and i say 'KANT YOU PLZ KILL SOMEONE ELSE???!!!'
and they are laughing and ROLF whatever the hell that means
and so the girl in the group sits down and stands up and
starts doing a speel
and i think im not dying without a fight so i try to hit her
and i cant but shes casting all this yellow stuff on me and
its not hurting me!!! so im feeling pretty tough and she gives
up and i have ALL this spells on me and im still not dead!!
i rule
anyway i say 'haha you cant kill me'
and she says' tell ya what, lets call it a draw'
and i say what?
and she says 'a tie lets call it a tie'
and i say ok
and the wizard says 'safe travels to you, skaterr'
and im like 'whatever dude your just sayin that cause you cant
kill me'
and they are all laughing at him cause he cant kill me and
they wavee to me and leave
i logged real quick incase they try to come back again
so are all high levels punks like that who will try to kill me
or did i meat the bad aapples??
all in all i reelized that commons westside is way to
dangerous for me
Act of Agression, By Skater Gnome
omg i meating the stupidist ppl in the whole world on mith marr for real
liek las night im explore this brand new zone called south ro to try and find a place to ding to 6 (im veary close to lvl, its esay cause im a monk)
so im like reely scared in this new zone and i get across the desert safe and then suddenly i see this whole camp of orc standing there and im liek 'sweet action'
so im get redy to move in to attack and sudden this palidin called lovehart come running up in front of me
and hes like 'halt'
and im liek 'um hi wtf??'
and hes liek 'u may not comit a unprovoked attack on tht peaceful camp of orc'
and im like 'huh???'
and hes like 'i do not premit u to kill them 4 no reson'
and im like 'wtf dude i need to kill the orc to get experience'
and hes liek 'i will not tolerate acts of aggerssion agianst the peacful orc, warmonger go bakc to where you came'
and im liek 'omg lamer the orcs are here to be kilt for EXP!!
and hes like 'i know your kind u think everything is here for u to kill whenever it benifit u huh?'
and im like 'uh pretty much ya'
and so he shouts to the zone 'hey everyone sktergnome is a terrorist!!'
WTF
so i can be pretty smart at times as u may no so i decide to try to give this guy some ration
so im liek 'ok dude orc are evil and attack and kill innocent players all the tiem so i can kill them rightful k??'
and he like 'it doesnt matter they did nothing to u at all'
and im liek 'OMG THEY KILT ME LAST WEEK IN NORTH RO!!!'
and hes liek 'that is a different group of orc that attack u. u have no prove taht they are related to this camp of orc in any way. u cant attak this group jjust cause they look the same u racist'
so im getting preety mad and flabergasted and hes standing there lookin g at me and some of his other friends show up and im ponder the situation
and his friends are liek 'is this the warmonger?'
and hes liek 'ya'
and suddenly i remember that mith marr is no pvp and they cant touch me haha
so im liek 'ive decided to kill the orcs anyway'
and theyre like 'not-uh we just had a vote and voted against u attacking them so now u cant'
so im liek 'whatever stop me if you want pallypants'
and then i move into the camp and start my sweet ninja kicking action
so liek the whole time lovehart and his friends are all shouting to the whole zone 'skatter is babykiller' and 'skatter is a racist and warmonger'
so i finish the kill of orcs and im liek 'whats up now haha'
and they're talk for a moment among themselvs an then the pally is like 'hey dude we dont agree with what u just did but can we loot plz?'
im thinkin about quiting eq
Response to the Quon, by Skater Gnome
*The Quon was a cleric who also had a humorous series going on about a high elf cleric of Tunare who had a high libido with extreme arrogance.
wow ok
i don reely know how to tell this story becasue it is so bizare
ok so liek its sunday morning and i siting on the couch waching cartons and eating ice cream but im still kind of groggy from al the good sleep ive been geting sence dr. henderson told me it was time to take a break from eq
so im siting there singing along with the transfomers theme song when the phon rings
so i anwser it and im liek 'ya'
but theres no talk just this hevy brething on the line and im liek 'ok fag ur not funny hello'
and so this super creepy guy voise is liek 'is this skater gnome'
so i get a litle freeked out so im liek 'uhh no, this is skater dome, with a d, u must hav teh rong number'
*click*
so i call j-mo and im liek 'fag did u jus call me?'
and hes liek 'WHO IS THIS'
and im like 'is me@!' and hes liek 'skater??' an im like 'umm ya tard who did u thik it was??'
and hes 'ohhh good ok i got a reel creepy call liek 10 min ago'
and im liek 'omg me too!!1'
and then were both liek 'wtf' at the same tiem which was so funy and we laughed but then got serius again cause we were pretty scare
so j-mos like 'im coming over'
and im liek 'ok cool ill practis my nija kicks while i wait'
and hes liek 'just dont hurt ur self remeber u r not a reel monk'
and im like 'whatever man'
someday theyll see i reely am
so i hang up and practise thunderus kick to the beat with the tranformer music all arond the living room
so the dore bell ring an im liek 'dude u dont have to nock just come in'
so the door opens and...
it wasnt j-mo
instad it is this dude that looks liek he should be a boss mob in Everquest Gay Edition
its this midle age looking guy and hes wearing leather pants waty too tight and this old torn leapord skin coat that caked with dirt and mud and hes all scruffy and hunched over and his eye and neck is twitching and his bare stomack hanging is out over his belt
so he starts hobling in to the living room on clear platform shoes with dead goldfish floting insid them but the heel is missing on one so hes not moving vary fas
so all of the suden he stops and hes liek 'r u skater gnome??' and its the same creepy voic from the telephone
so im a little shaky and l and i try to yeel out 'u have ruined ur own lands u will not ruim mine!' but all that comes out is a wimper
needliss to say i was way to scareed to try thunderus kick and i started to wonder if maybe dr henderson was rite about me not being a monk after all
so then this guy is liek 'THE QUON HAS AXED U A QUESTION ANSWER THE QUON NOW' and he starts twitching reely bad again
WTF
so im liek 'dude why r u here'
and hes like 'the quon is here to demand that u quit riting skater stories'
and im liek 'wtf who the hell in the quon??'
and he like 'the quon is a eq humorist and mofo badass. but fur some reson not enogh ppl like me so the quon is here to make u quit riting so ur fans forget u and liek me insted'
i think he was drunk cause at that part he almost stumbled an fell over
so im like 'omg dude wtf have u evar stoped to think that this doesnt have to be a contest?? u dont need to attaak ur peers just to feel good abot ur own work. u will get much more enjoymint if you stop riting stoies just to try to feel good abot urself and make people leik u, and start riting stories becuse its fun to share with others'
at this point i see j-mo sneeking up the porch behind drunk flaming homless prostatute guy with his skate bored raise over his head
but i give j-mo the eye and shake my head cause this guy reely seems more pathetic than harmful and j-mo relaxs and stand behind him quietly
so now "the qoun" is looking all confused and hes like 'the quon doesnt understad do u mean it is posible to feel good about myself witout pretending to get laid all the tiem and talking lots of s**t and tearing other ppl down??'
and im like 'yes yes it is. it is also posible to refer to urself in the first persin from time to tim u should try it is reely fun'
so he smiles ceepily and hes liek 'thanks skater u r a great guy. and very handsom too i might add what r u doing friday at 8?'
WTF?
so i give j-mo the eye again and this tiem gave him the nodding head cause im just not gonna tolarate that
so j-mo clobers him hard with his bored and we dragged him out to the street wich was hard to do cause he smelled a lot like poo
then we go back inside and j-mo is liek 'skater ur very smart phycologocally'
and im liek 'thansk ive been lerning alot from my sesions with dr henderson'
and hes like 'do u thik u helped that guy find a way to be happy?'
and im liek 'i hope so j-mo. i sure do hope so.'
Skater Gnome Stories
By Skater Gnome
THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR, by Skater Gnome
December 27, 2002
ok liek some ppl dont like chrismas that much and i have no clue
wtf is up with that omg cause chrismas is so rule
ok so like two weeks ago im come home from school and im like 'mom
i want alot of stuff for chismas can u deliver the beef??!?'
and shes liek 'no dear youll haveto ask santa why dont you go rite
him a letter'
so im like 'whatever i saw that guy down at the mall and when i
tried to ask him for stuff he was all liek 'get off me your too
old' and 'quit messin up my suit'
so im decide that the best way to get what I want is to charm my
parents with hints and good behavyer and be sneaky and stuff so
like last week my dads is reading the newpaper in the living room
so i get all interested and i sit on the couch an im liek 'father
were u in wolrd war 2??'
and he stops reading and hes liek 'dammit no son im only 45...
damm'
and im like 'ok cool but have heard of b29 bombers??'
and hes liek 'ya why'
and im like 'would you consuder them to be planes of power
??'
and he looks at me for a few seconds and then hes liek 'yes?'
so i start rubbing my chin thautfully and im liek 'innnnteresting'
and then i make a quick exit to let my sneaky hint sink in
so i keep dropin hints all week liek that in my sneaky ninja way
and finally its chrismas eve and im liek cant even slepp hardely
and im playing with my everquest dolls and my brother comes in and
hes like 'shhhh i know what mom and dad r getting u for chrismas'
and im liek 'OMG WHAT!?!?!!'
and hes liek 'dude shut ur hole'
and im like 'sorry, omg what'
so he looks out the door and down the hall to make sure no one can
heer and then hes liek 'ok, shhhh'
and im liek 'I AM SSHHHH!!11'
and hes like 'ok, ok... theyr taking u to norrath world, in
orlando flordia'
OMG WTF!!
and im like 'norath world!!?!?!? omg wtf that is so rule!!!!11!1'
and im jumping around the roome and tossing my dolls in the air
and my brothers grinning cause he got to give me the good newz an
im like 'omg dude mike i didn't even know there was such a place r
u going to go to??/?'
and hes liek 'nope'
and im liek 'why'
and hes like 'cause they can only afford a trip fur 1 of us and i
said u can go'
and im getting all tearry eyed cause my bro is so cool
so i figure i better strart packing now so i stay up reel late
getting all my stuff ready
so i finally go to sleep and i get up erly the next morning and i
grab my sutecase and im running threw the house yelling and im
liek 'wake up!! wake up!!'
and my parents come runnign out and theyr liek 'whts wrong??'
and im like 'its chrismas!!!'
and my moms liek 'omg its 2am!!1'
and im like 'but im ready NOW'
and my dads like 'why are u carrying ur sutecase'
and im like 'omg cause im going to norrath duh' but then i felt
kinda bad cause it was supposed to be a surpriz
and my parents are quiet and my moms looks at my dad says 'dear i
think its finally happened'
and my dads kneels down in front of me and hes like 'son norrath
isn't a reel place its make believe like on mr rogers'
wtf??
so im like 'yes it is to reel its in orlando omg mike said so'
and rite then i hear some snickering coming from mikes room and my
ninja sense tells me somethings not rite
suddenly i figured it out and im like 'ahha, dont try to lie to me
i see now that u want to take mike insteed of me but i wont let
you im going to norrath and u cant stop me'
so the snikering gets louder from mikes room and my ninja sense
tells me that wasnt it at all
so then im like 'omg'
and then i'm like 'wtf'
and then i realized that bro of mine had been liar
well i was a little agry to say the least and after tossing my
sute case down i ran the hall an charged his room
so i burst threw the door and so but suddenly im face to face with
this dragon as tall as me!!1!
and im scared and om like 'IEEEE' and i'm trying to land a
thounderous kick on it then i try to hide behind the bed
and mikes like 'mary chismas bro i made it myself'
and then i ninja sense told me that the dragon wasnt reel and i
came out to look at it and try to hid the wet spot on my pants
and mikes like 'dude its a dragon costume u can get in and its all
urs'
and im liek 'OMG WTF mike ur the rulest in the history of rule'
so even though mike was liar i he was still the rulest and i got
the best chrismas present of my life and im wearing it rite now
which makes it hard to tpye so be nice about spelling plz k thx la
anywhay i never did figur out who this chris guy is and why he has
a whole day sellabrating him but maybe ill lern that next year
all i know is that this chismas was the best chrismas eve
THAT TIME AGAIN, by Skater Gnome
September 12, 2002
ok liek wtf is up with school
so like last week im playing eq in my room and the sun is shining
in my window and im like 'haha its night time in norrath get it
right'
and my mom walks in the room and shes like 'who are you talking
too'
and im like 'umm my imaganary woodlef friend'
and she liek 'i thought your emaginary friend was a dwarf'
and im like 'ya he was but he farted alot so i traded him for a
female woodelf'
of course that wasnt the real reason i traded for a female woodelf
cause farting is funny the real reason shold be pretty obvious duh
haha
so my moms liek 'do you know what time it is'
and im like 'umm time for you to leave my room and let me ding
level 6?'
and shes like 'nope its school time'
omg wtf
and im like 'i feel kinda sick cough cough'
and shes like 'ok get in bed then school starts tomorrow morning'
and im like 'oh i thought you meant it started today wow i feel
better its a mericle'
so tommorrow comes around and my mom is like yelkling from the
stairs 'get up time for breakfast'
and im like 'when lavastorm freezed over'
and my dad yells 'one... two...'
and im like spirit of cheetah down the stairs and sit down at the
table
and my moms like 'omg'
and my dads like 'umm son, why dont you go back up to your room
and put some boxers and a t-shrit on or something?'
and im like 'doh, ok. lol'
so after a grumpy morning im standing at the buss stop and j-mo
shows up and im like 'hail, j-me' and hes like 'hail, skater'
and were like 'hehe'
and some other neighborhood kids show up and and jockguy jason
shows up too
and jasons like 'dude give me ur lunch money'
and im like 'i dont have any i right-clicked on all my food this
morning ill be full all day long infact i couldn't eat another
bite our i would explode'
and hes like 'wtf'
and j-mos like 'dude you shouldnt pick on ppl smarter than u'
so jason is like 'whatever' and leaves me alone
so we get to school and its all blah blah blah boring and i sleep
a little and then math class starts and we have a new math teacher
and omg wtf she is so hot!!
so class is getting started and im all sitting up strait and shes
talking about math but all i heer is 'skater gnome i love u'
and i whisper 'i love you too'
and j-mos like 'ur imaginary woodelf friend again?'
and im like 'um ya sure'
so then i hear her say 'ok class who can tell me about fractions?'
and im thinking 'omg i know all about this'
so im like 'me me me'
and shes liek 'ok' and smiles at me
so i stand up and clear my throut and im liek 'factions are very
important. if you have good faction with certain people you can
talk to them and buy stuff from them and they wont try to kill you
but if they do you can just feign death sometimes and you can live
but some places are hard to get good faction with. infact i was
wondering how i can improve my math teacher faction?'
and then i sat down and i was nodding and grinning and looking
around the class cause that was REELY smooth
and everyones liek 'dude wtf r u talking about?'
and hotmathteacher_01 is like 'thats very nice but i think were
talking about fractions, not factions, please see me after class'
omg wtf this REELY sucks ass
and my imagniary woodelf friend is like 'thats ok hun i still love
u'
and im like 'i know'
so the bell rings later and im walking slowly up to her desk and j-
mo's like 'good luck man' and im like 'ya thanks'
and i get the the desk and shes like 'that was quite a speech you
made'
and im like 'ya sorry i wont do it again'
and she laughed and said 'oh no your not in trouble. it just
sounds like you play Everquest'
and i light up and im like 'omg u play eq??!!?'
and shes like 'no, but my husband does'
and im like 'ohh ur married'
and shes like 'ya'
and im like 'k, that sucks'
and shes like 'aww im sure youll make some girl very happy someday'
and shes like 'hey maybe you can meet him in game sometime he
plays a lvl 60 necro'
and im liek 'OMG can he pl me'
and she laughs again and im like /drool and shes like 'youll have
to talk to him about that'
and im like 'omg mrs klien your are the rulest!'
and shes like 'careful skater, your starting to become a teachers
pet'
and im like 'woof woof!'
and shes like 'run along now or you'll be late to class'
so i run out and im thinking 'omg its true. guys who play eq
always get the hottest women. lucky lucky me
NO PLACE LIKE HOME, by Skater Gnome
April 13, 2002
ok like yesterday was my first day back at hom from camp
and it was very exciting
so like i get off the bus and my mom and dad are waiting
on the steps and smiling and waving at me and its all
like a kodak moment stuff
so like i give my mom a hug but not my dad cause thats
gross and my dads liek 'we have a present for you sun'
and im liek 'OMG IS IT ICE CREAM??'
and their like 'no'
and i'm all /glare
and so my dad hands me this box all wraped up and i tear
it open and im all /giggle
and i get it open and OMG its all the eq action figures!!
and im like 'omg u guys are SO the rulest'
so i run upstairs to my room and im getting them all set
up and forming little groups and to make it fair i put
all of them against the monk
so like my brother walks in and hes like 'having fun
playing with your dolls?'
and im like 'stfu dude theyr not dolls their action
figures'
and hes liek 'ya kep playing with them and i guerentee
thats the only action you'll ever get'
so I thought he was being mean but then he came over and
I showed him all the figures and my favorite one was the
big ogre with just one eye in the center of his head
so my phone rings and its j-mo and i'm like 'hello'
and hes like 'hey what r u doing'
and im like 'im playing with my one-eyed ogre'
and hes like 'omg dude wtf dont tell me gay stuff like
that'
and im like 'wtf dude its not gay my brother likes it
too'
and j-mos liek '*click*'
and i call him back and im like 'dude wtf'
and hes like 'dude wtf'
and im liek 'huh?'
and hes like 'forget it. come down to the skate park
theres some new guys here that are trying to be cooler
than us'
and im liek 'is that possible?'
and hes like 'i dont think so'
so i put away all the dolls, i mean action figures, but
i wanted to take the one-eyed ogre with me to show j-mo
so i put on my cool-jeans and grab my board and head
down to the park
so im walking up to the ramp and j-mo is liek' why are
you walking like that?'
and im like 'this is my gangster stroll'
and hes like 'wtf its that??'
and im liek 'i dunno i saw it on tv but it makes me look
cool'
and hes like 'no it doesnt stop doing it'
so that was the end of that
so were looking at these guys skating and they come
skating over to us and theyre like 'you guys get lost ur
not cool enough to skate here'
and im like 'omg dude we define cool we are even cooler
than manaburn'
and j-mo is liek 'ya and manaburn is pretty damm cool'
and im all /agree
and theyre like 'we challenge you to a skate-off then'
and im liek 'you have ruined your own lands you will not
ruin mine. your on'
so i decide to go against their best skater and we flip
a coin and i have to go first
so i start skating and i skate reel good and everyones
cheering and i finish and im like 'ahh, i feel much
better now, n00b skater01'
so its their skaters turn to go now and he starts his
run and hes skating and im liek 'damm hes good. reely
reely good'
so im thinking were gonna lose and that sux so im
thinking how i can distract him so he messes up
so then i remember i have the ogre in my pants. so i
wait till he skates close to me and suddenly i reach
into my jeans and start pulling the monstor out and im
like 'fear the one-eyed ogre, b!tch!!1!'
and he looks at me pulling my ogre outta my pants and
hes like 'AHHH!!1! and he falls down and his crew is
like 'omg dude wtf lets get outta here'
and they grab their boards and take off
and j-mo is like 'ooooohhh, you actually DO have a one-
eyed ogre. dude i think thats called ancient cyclops'
and im liek 'whatever'
and hes like 'and just why, exactly did you keep it in
you pants?'
and im liek 'it wouldnt fit in my pocket'
and he like 'oh. well it worked the poser skaters left'
and im like 'ya looks liek everyone else left too'
so liek the battle was won and the skater park was ours
to rule once again
A TURN FOR THE WORSE, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
ok like camp is reely cool and whatever but yesterday it got
reely suc
ok so like im standing on the dock at the lake cause im next
in line to ride the water weenie
so im standing there and all of the suddin i get shoved in the
back and go flying off the dock and into the water
WTF??!?!!
so like my swiming is suck so im doing doggie paddel back to
dock and i heer lots of laffing coming from everyone on the
dock and im getting reely angrey!
so im clikmbing back up the dock and im like 'omg dude ur so
dead' but when i get up to the top i see the freakin huge kid
there scowling at me ready to attack
and im like 'omg dude i thought this camp was for 13 to 15 not
30yr olds'
and hes like 'u wanna peace of me???'
and im thinking 'hell no' but i say 'oh ya i want the who
enchallada'
i dont even liek enchaladas
so im getting a little scared now and im looking around for
the zone line out of instinct or whatever but the only
safespot i can see is up the hill at the cafe where the
couseliers are but thats a long way away
so im thinking about trying feign death but we all know how
that turned out last tiem
so its just him and me at the end of the docks and hes like
lumbering toward me with his swimming flippers and facemask on
holding a snorkel in his hand liek hes gonna hit me with it
and everyone is watchin
so im standing there wondering what it will feel like to be
killed with a snorkel when i see j-mo pushing through the crowd
and hes got something in his hands and he rolls it toard me
through giganto-kids legs and its my skaterboard
and j-mos like 'two hand blunt'
and he give me the thumbs up
so i pick up my board and im gettin all fired up and breathing
hard and im scream 'feel the power of quellious b1tch'
and j-mos like 'yaulp 2! good one!'
so i charge and im swinging my board with sweet ninja action
but mammoth-boy just knocks it out of my hands and grabs me
and picks me up
and im like 'omg dude wtf put me down ur so gay'
and so he walks to the edge of the dock and starts to throw me
in again (dammit)
so im starting to fall and i reach out for anything i can grab
on to and i gget a hold on his mask
well i could only hold on to it for about the first two feet
of my fall and then i had to let go before i went splash
well i guess the face mask went flying right back into his
nose or something cause buy the tiem i doggie paddeled back to
the dock he was lying on his back with a bloody nose and the
nurse was stunding over him saying 'jonny can you heer me'
and j-mos like 'dude sweet kill!'
and im like 'ya im the rulest' and i never told anyone that i
didnt do it on purpose
so i was thinkin about looting the body but i decided that
prolly not appropriate
so anyway i got in alot of trouble and they punished me by
making me stay in the cabin for the rest of the day
i never did get to ride the water weenie but i guess thats ok
it sounds kinda gay anyway
SUMMERCAMP ADVENTURE, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002.
ok, so like my parents com into my room last week and theyre
like 'u play too much computer'
and im like 'omg the sign on my door says WOODELVES ONLY an
neither of you look like woodelfs to me'
and my dads like 'dont speak that way to your parents son'
and im liek 'i cant understand you ur not speeking elvish'
and my dads like 'your on thin ice'
so my mom say 'were worried about you we think you should take
a break and go to camp'
and im like 'everquest camp??'
and theyre like 'no'
and im like 'ok whatever ill go if j-mo can go to'
and they were happy and i thought that it was kinda funny how
i was losing parent agro by camping
so like it comes time for me to go and after a losing a big
arguement with my dad that involved me playing tug of war with
my laptop i finally get on the dumb camp bus
so im on the dumb bus and i sit in the back and an this dumb
guys lookin at me and im like 'wtf ru looking at'
and hes like 'woah bro chill. hey do u wanna smoke a bowl?'
and im like 'sorry dude im not good at pottery'
and hes like 'pottery? ive never heard it called that before'
and im like 'what do u call it haha?'
and hes liek 'pot'
and im liek 'i guess that makes sence'
so liike this guy talks to me for a long time about how cool
pottery is, so i kinda made a mental note to increase
skatterrs trade skils with pot when i get back to norrath
so like anyway we get to camp after liek 100 hours and its
nite time an all the couselers are meeting us at the bus and
herding us towards the cabins and my couseler is wearing
purple and talking to us in a girly voice and j-mo is liek 'i
think our counselir is gay'
WTF?!??
and im like "wtf cause of his voice and clothes??'
and hes like 'no cause of the rainbow bumper sticker on his
vokswalgon beetle over there'
and im liek 'i feel like were in boy scouts all over again'
and hes like 'ya'
so like we're all in our cabins and the couseler has his own
little room on the side and i cant sleep and suddenly i hear
the beep of a computer powering up
and im like 'omg' and i jump outta bed and sneka to his door
with my eq cds and its all silent so i open it and see the
computer on the other side of the room
so im sneeking over to it and i see dave (the cousulir)
sitting on his couch watching tv
so im looking at the tv for a second and im like 'omg dude are
u watching top gun????'
and he freaks out and changes it quickly and hes liek 'no look
its the princess bride!!'
and im like 'ya i dont remember pruncess bride havin f-14s in
it' but then i wish i hadnt said that cause
and hes like 'what r u doing in here??'
and im like 'ill make a deal. i wont tell anyone about you
watching top gun if you let me use ur computer'
and hes like 'uhhh, ok'
and im like '...and give me ice cream'
and hes like 'i dont have any'
and im like 'omg how can ne1 go without ice cream??'
so come to finhd out his comp wont run eq but i did let me get
on castersrealm to share an adventur with u
SUMMER CAMP ADVENTURE II, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002.
hey guys camp is fun kinda but not like eq but im having a
good time
so like yesterday me and j-mo and are hanging out in the
cafateria with this guys shane and allen cause a magic show is
on later and ive never met a real magician b4 and i reely want
to meet one
so like were sitting there talking and this black guy tyrone
comes up and hes like 'whats up my dudes'
and shanes like 'what did you just call us??'
and tyrones like 'umm...dudes'
and allens all like 'he just said the 'd' word to us'
and tyrone is like 'wtf are you talking about???'
and shane is like 'a white person can call another white
person dude but a black person cannot call a white person dude
cause its racist'
and im like 'wtf'
and j-mo is liek 'omg'
and allen is liek 'ya you can say dudez with a 'z' but not
dudes with an 's' dont worry were not mad cuase you didnt know'
and j-mo and i look at each other and were like '/roll'
and tyrone in liek 'whatever im out'
and j-mos like 'how come when a white person says it the 'd'
word its ok but when a black person says it its racist???/?'
and allens like 'a white person cant hate other white people
duh'
and j-mos like 'well i think im starting too'
so j-mo and i go sit at a different table and in a few minutes
the magic show starts
OMG!!!
its was so cool all the magic he was doing but i never
actually saw him cast any speels
so at the end of the show i go over the the magician and im
liek 'hey dude ur the rulest!!'
and hes like 'umm thanks kid'
and im liek 'what level are u im lvl 5??'
and hes like 'huh?'
and i whisper 'can i see you pet?? shhh i promise i wont tell'
and hes like 'uhhh'
and he was like starting to look all confused and i was
thinking that he wasnt a reel magician after all
so to test him i was like 'ok can you summon me sum ice
cream??'
so liek he grabbed his hat and said algebra cadabra and poof
there was an ice cream bar!!
and im liek 'OMG u ARE a MAGICIAN!!!!!!!!!!!'
so next thing i know im in the nerse station lying on a bed
and im like 'OMG I DIDNT KNOW MAGES GOT TRANSLOCATE'
and then the nerse told me to shut my pie hole and lay back
down but she didnt have any duck tape so i wasnt scared
so i was thinking that all i want to do is meat a monk someday
and then i can die happy
hmmm i wonder where my ice cream bar is????? i bet j-mo took it
NEW HORIZONS, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
ok so like im sitting down to type a new story cause something
reely funny happened last night but before i start riteing i
check my private messages
so theres this message in there from this chick darla and shes
like 'hye skatterr i just read your stories and you a so cute.
a/s/l??'
WTF?!??
so yell 'hey mike come here'
and then i yell 'sorry for yelling' cause i dont want the duck
tape but he usually lets me do it once with no tape hehe'
so mike comes in and hes like 'what'
and im like 'mike wtf does asl mean???'
and hes like 'the asl an organizasion that defend the civil
rights of minorities'
and im like 'whats a minority??'
and hes like 'in this county its someone whos not a white male'
and im like 'then what am i????'
and hes like 'the majority'
and im like 'that sucks'
so mike leaves and i write darla back and im like
'deer darla,
how are u? i am fine. i love black people. i cant give the asl
anymoney though cause i am poor. want to be frieds???'
weel i wait a few minutes and darla writes back 'skatterr you
are funny wanna cyber?'
so i yell 'mike come here'
and then i thought dammit thats the second yell, im getting
the duck tape for sure
but mike was cool for some reason and not mad so i was
like 'dude wtf does cyber mean??'
and he like clears his throat and hes like 'shes asking you
for help with her computer problems'
and im like 'that sucks i don't know anything about computers'
and hes like 'thats ok i do. why don't you go downstairs and
eat some ice cream and ill provide her with some technical
assistance'
so im like 'omg dude you are so rule!! thanks'
so i go down stairs and eat ice cream
i never new my brother liked to help on computer stuff so
much, i could hear him 'woooo-hoooo'ing from the living room.
WHATEVER, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
ok so like im eating ice cream and killing munsters in wc (i
reseantly found out wc stands for west commons and not west
coast like i thougt)
so like this warrior comes up to me and hes like 'hey dude
wanna group up??'
and im like 'whats that supposed to mean'
and hes like 'do you wanna group?
and im like '?????'
and hes like 'DO U WANNA GROUP WITH ME AND KILL THE SAME
MONSTERS FOR FAST EXP????'
and im like 'uh ya I guess as long as you dont try an KS me'
and hes like 'click follow'
and im liek 'dude your not the boss of me'
so i decide on MY OWN that i want to click follow and not
because he told me too
and then hes like 'can u sow me'
and im like 'omg dude wtf no im not a paladin'
and hes like 'i c'
so were running arond looking for munsters and he like 'a
young kodiak is incoming get ready'
and im liek 'wtf how do i get ready??'
and hes like 'just kill this'
so i start attacking it, but then i see the hes attacking it
too!!
WTF?!?!
so im like 'dude wtf stop ks'ing me!!!'
and hes like 'huh??'
and im like 'IM HITTING THIS ONE OMG R U BLIND'
well he doesnt stop hitting it so i look around to make sure
noones looking and then i use the autoattack
weel the bear dies and i get the exp and im like 'haha fag i
got exp u should think twice befroe tying to ks me im a monk'
and hes like 'umm i got exp too stupid, thats the benifit of
grouping both people get exp'
and im like 'OMG are u serious??!? is it an exploit cause i
just learned about auto attck last week but im too scared to
use it'
and hes like 'no its not an exploit'
and im like 'sweeet dude u are so rule!! ok then im gonna go
sit at the druid ring and u go kill stuff then. ill check up
on my exp from tiem to time and let u know how your doing'
and he says 'like hell you are if you can't biff me and wont
fight, i dont need you'
and im like 'OMG dude WTF I CANT BUFF U WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, A
WIZARD?!!?? now go kill stuff'
and hes like 'no'
and im liek 'please??'
and hes like 'no'
and thats when i got kicked out of the group. but what i wanna
know is what the hell is grouping good for if you cant get
free exp??!?!!?!
THE SECRETS OF EVERQUEST, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
ok, so like im in the commons east last night and im having
some ice craem and getting my determination up to go crazyman
and finish level 5.
so i see this skeleton and he runs over to me and hits me and
then laughs at me. so like theres no way im gonna put up with
that, so im attack him.
well im standing there fighting, and this monk named siegert
walks up to me and hes like 'what are you doing?'
and im like 'wtf dude im killing this dumb skele dont KS me'
i don't even know what KS means, but everyone tells me to stop
doing it alot so i think it has something to do with
roleplaying
so he's like 'why aren't you attacking it?'
WTF?!?
so im like 'dude, i am attacking it, look at this sweet ninja
kicking action, are you blind'
so im clicking kick as fast as i can so this stupid monk will
see that i can fite good and leeve me alone.
so then he's like 'skaterr, press the A key'
so i say 'A'
and hes like 'no, don't say it, just press it'
so I tell siegert 'A'
and hes like 'your kinda retarded arent you? just press the A
key'
so im like 'ok dude but this is the last favor i ever do for
you'
so i press A
well all of the sudden i start swinging with my fists and
punch the skele and it dies reely fast!
and im like 'OMG DUDE YOU ARE SO RULE!!'
and hes like 'how is it possible that you've gotten to level 5
without knowing about auto attack?'
and im like 'whats autoattack???'
and hes like 'its what you were just doing when you pressed A'
and im like 'ohh is it an exploit, cause i wont tell on you if
you dont tell on me'
and he stops for a second and hes looking at me and hes
like 'your amazing'
and im like 'ya i know im almost level 6'
and hes like 'lucky for you i came along'
and im like 'ya dude you are the rulest'
so he leaves and im all excited, so i give j-mo a call on the
phone.
and he like 'hello'
and im like 'dude i just got sooooo lucky!'
and hes like 'sweet bro!! with who?'
and im like 'this guy named siegert'
and hes like 'WTF?!?!'
and im like 'ya this monk guys showed me how to exploit the
game with autoattack'
and j-mo's like 'oooooooh, i thought... nevermind'
and im like 'ya dude it rules i can kill pretty much anything
in the game now'
and hes like 'umm, wait a sec dude, you're telling me you
didn't ever know about auto attack?? how the hell did you ever
get to level 5?'
and im like 'DUDE WTF WHY DO PPL KEEP ASKING ME THAT, IM A
MONK!!!'
and hes like 'ya how could i forget, the sweet ninja kicking
action right?'
and im like 'thats right'
so i hang up and then i start wondering why the hell my
brother never told me about the autoattack exploit.
so i go running over to his room, and im banging on the door
and im like 'MIKE!'
and he opens the door a crak and sticks his head out and hes
whispers 'SSsssshhh! dude shut-up! i cant talk right now im
getting lucky!'
so then i realized that that he must be learning about
autoattack right now too, so theres no way he could have told
me about it.
i celebrated with some ice cream.
MY NEW FRIENDS, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
ok like wtf is up with leveiling??? it gets reely boring. i
guess cause level 5 is like a hell level or somthing? im
thinking about taking a break from the grind and focosing on
equipment.
anyway so im sitting in feeraut at the druid ring thingy and i
see this little hobbit guy named hobben sitting there afk.
so like all of the sudden this spider start atacking him but
hes afk and cant fight back!
so im like 'dude dont worry ill save you!'
so i jump up and im fighting the spider and i get posioned and
im starting to like get hurt reely bad. so im liek 'hobben
hurry up and get back so you dont die!!'
and hes still just standing there afk and that sucks cause i
dont know how much longer i can hold the spider.
so i shout 'HOBBEN COME BACK TO KEYBAORD OR UR DEAD! hoping
he'll hear me.
so im liek almoset dead and this elf guy named aftathott
appears and hes like 'skaterr your very brave'
and im like 'thanks i know im a monk'
and aftathotts like 'i have to rescue hobben all the tiem too.'
and im like 'thats nice but im almost dead'
so aftathott attacks it and helps me finish it off.
so i check and i have like 12hp left and im like 'sweet dude
thanks!'
and i see hobben is back now and im like 'hey guys i have a
little suprise for you try not to get too excited'
so i guildinvite them to Heros of Norrath (my brother made me
an offiser, shh dont tell anyone). i could tell they were reel
excited caiuse they wer elooking at each other and chuckling
and laughing.
so hobbens like 'skatter we cant join your guild we kinda have
a small one our own'
so im like 'dudes forget all that we have like 15 people
already and one of them is even level 20!'
then aftathott says 'let me ask you something skatter, do you
like big adventures?'
and im like 'i sure do!!'
and aftathotts says 'do you like phat lewtz?'
and im like 'i LOVE phat lewtz!'
so then i get this message "aftathott has invite you to be a
regular member of afterlife" and i click yes.
so hobben tells the guild 'everyone say hi to skaterr who very
unselfiskly risked his life to save me from a level 3 spider'
and everyone is like 'rofl hi skaterr!' and 'welcome skaterr!'
and im liek 'HI GUYS!! is ur guild tough enough to raid
befallen?? cause i reely need a cracked staff and an leather
tunic'
and rezzum tells the guild 'oohh, befallens a toughy, i dont
know if were that good yet'
WTF?!
so im like 'aftathott, if its all the smae to you, i think ill
go back to my old guild, we have a befallen raid tonight and i
need to be with guild whos stong enough to do it'
and hes like 'you must do what you feel it right, of course
skaterr'
and im like 'no hard feelings hehe?'
and hes like 'not at all, we're sorry to lose you'
and im like 'ya i know im level 5. dont feel bad, someone else
will come alone that can help your guild eventually im sure of
it'
and hes like 'i hope so'
so we went our seperate ways and im kinda screwed now cause
now i have to explain to my brother why i need a nother guilf
invite. maybe if ask him nicely i wont get the duck tape.
YOU WIN SOME YOU LOSE SOME, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
ok so like im playing eq alot lately cause when your grounded
all you can do is play eq and eat ice cream. so im playing
saturday afternoon and noone else is home, and suddenly i see
this named mummy standing in north ro! So im like 'sweet, this
is cool'
but then i see he cons red to me, wtf. so im like 'dammit this
is gay'
so im sitting there pondering my situation when i hear someone
start knocking on the front door. so im ignoring them and
trying think if i have enough endurance to log my brothers
cleric in and run back and forth from his room to my room and
fight and heal and fight and heal.
so whoever is knocking on the door is still knoching and they
call out 'hello is anyone home?'
so i yell 'no!!'
and they yell 'ahha we heard that, come down and talk to us a
minute'
so i yell 'woof woof!' hoping that i can fool them.
but then they're like 'comeon down, it will only take a minute'
and i yell 'im not allowed to answoer the door!!'
and theyre like 'what?'
WTF!?!
so i run my ass downstairs and yank open the door and im
like 'I SAID IM NOT ALLOWED TO OPEN THE DOOR CAUSE IM HOME
ALONE!!'
and then im thinking that ive been tricked somehow, cause here
i am with the door wide open.
so this old guy and this old woman are standing there smiling
at me, ahnd the guy says 'hi there my young friend, my name is
frank and this is my wife vergina and we are from the chuch of
ladder-day saints.
and im like 'cool we have a ladder too'
and he says 'id like to talk to you for a few minutes about
our church can we come in?'
so then i start thinking all deep and intelichual and my mind
hatches a brilliant plan.
so im like 'hey saint frank i wanna be a ladder saint too'
and he says 'wonderful! your never too young!'
so im like 'but dude you have to help me with something first'
so i grab him by the wrist and im dragging him upstairs to my
brothers room and hes huffing and puffing and his wife is
like 'where are you going with my husband?'
so i sit saint frank down in my brothers chair and load up eq
and log on his cleric.
so im like 'listen saint frank i need you to take the mouse
and clikc on that little button right there a few times before
i become a siant'
and hes looking up and me kinda bewildered and hes still
breathing hard from his sprint up the stairs.
so i show him what to do, and i run to my room and i see some
ranger starting to attack the named mummy!!
so i rush in and attcjk it too and im getting beaten up bad
and im like 'click the button frank! CLICK IT!!'
and i hear him in there clicking away as fast as he can, and
hes still weezing. and verginas hobbling up the stairs
saying 'frank whats going on??'
so the fight is going good and saint frank is clicking the
buttons like i showed him and i end up killing the mummy and
looting it!
so frank is like 'what does "joo sux0rs" mean?'
and im like 'that means the ranger wants to join your chruch
too.'
and franks like 'oh'
so i log off and i run into my brothers room and im
like 'frank your the man!'
and he and vergina are looking up at me all wide-eyed and a
little scared and hes like 'you arn't gonna hurt us are you?'
and im like 'no way dude, u rule!'
and im like 'lets go downstairs and ill get you some beers for
u and your wife'
so im dragging frank down to the living room and vergina is
hobbling after us saying 'frank whats going on??'
i think shes a bit slow, that one.
well we get down to the livingroom and all of the sudden my
dad walks in.
and hes like 'what the hell is going on here?'
and im like 'hi dad, this is saint frank, and he wants to
borrow our ladder. hes really cool'
and then i whisper 'but be nice to his wife cause shes a
little feeble in the brain if you know what i mean'
but then franks like 'im sorry to disturb you people. we
really need to be going'
and im like 'frank whats up, when do i get to be a ladder
saint???'
and hes like 'someother time' and he and vergina hussle out
the door.
so i look out the window and theyre trotting away looking over
there shoulder back at the housr and i couldnt help but
thinking what a nice couple they were and hoping that they
would visit us again soon.
LIVE AND LET DIE, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
ok so like last night im playing eq, and the phone rings and
its my friend jeff moncrief (who we call J-Mo as a nickname
cause it sounds like j-lo and he hates it) and hes like 'dude,
ive got too tickets to Godsmack for tonight!!'
and im like 'omg dude wtf so you you are so gay. im not going
to a concort with you just the two of us'
and hes like 'wtf dude girls are coming with us. like 10 ppl
are goin'
so im like 'sweeeet dude, u r not gay u rule'
so i grab my jacket and yell 'mom ill be back in a sec, i have
to go outside to pee'
and shes liek 'huh? cant you use the bathroom like a normal
person?'
but i was already out the door by then, and i run over to j-
mo's house and there all outside waiting for me.
so we pack like 10 ppl in the honda and im liek 'dude get off
me homo' and 'dude stop touching me' like the whole way there.
anyway we get there, and were parking and we all get out and
go up the the gates, and theres this long-ass line and we get
in line, and all of the sudden these guys behind us are
like 'hey dudes, we were in line first you just cut us'
and im liek 'wtf dude no you weren't you just came up i saw
you, liars'
and the girls who came with us are giggling and looking at me
and im feeling tough.
so one of the guys pushes me and says 'are you calling me a
liar?'
and im like 'uhh, ya are you deaf? dont make me eagle strike
your ass'
but these guys are big and older and im thinking maybe i
should have handled it a little differently.
so hes walking toward me with his fists ready and everything,
and im getting reely scared now, when suddemly i remember...
feign death! feign death!
now let me tell you... that sh!t doesnt work in reel life,
cause i fell down and played dead real convincingly and he
didnt even hesitate before starting to kick my ribs in.
so lift my head up and im like 'dude wtf im dead just look at
me' and i close my eyes and stick my tounge out, and he didnt
even think about stopping.
so im getting reely hurt now and i look up and i see j-mo
looking at me and im like 'j-mo nuke him wtf!!'
so j-mo comes running over and stops it and im like hurt
pretty bad and those guys run off and j-mo is like 'dude quit
crying sissy'
and im like 'dude, stfu, im not crying im alergic to the
pavement'
so im grumpy and this girl sara who rode with us comes up to
me and shes like 'aww skatey-poo are you ok huney?'
and im like 'ya im fine'
and shes holds my hand and says 'is there anything i can do to
make you feel better?'
and i think about it for a minute and im like 'ya, u can get
me some ice cream'
so in the end i got some ice cream and saw a good concort so
it wasnt reely all that bad. ive been grounded for tto weeks
though, but hay, i can still play eq, so im happy.
I LOVE MY BROTHER, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
so im sitting Fireonia Vei last nite at about 11 aclock eating
icecream and feeling bored and all of the sudden my brother
shows up at the bank with his 60 enchater. and he see's me and
types 'Hey Skaterr '
so i yell 'hey mike. hi'
and hes like 'dude dont yell, just freakin type it in'
so i yell 'dude WTF ur rite down the hall, typing is dumb'
and so he types 'ya and mom and dad are asleep already'
so i yell 'oh ya ur rite my bad ill type stuff now'
so he types 'when are you gonna start'
so i yell 'right now!!'
and he types 'your still yelling...'
and i yell 'WELL QUIT ASKING ME STUFF!!11!'
so then he says 'want me to PL you?'
and i say 'ok cool'
and hes like 'wow, you do know how to type'
and im like 'stfu'
so we group up for the scary spidur run from fireonia vie to
lake if the ill omens, and we get to the bridge to cross and
im getting nervous and eating icecream faster and faster.
well we get to the end of the bridge when all of this sudden
this 45 monk say 'HALT! you may not pass without paying the
bridge toll.'
and the monks standing there at the end of the bridge looking
at us. waiting for some plat or somthing.
WTF??
so my brother says 'how much is the toll'
and the monk says '200p a peace'
and my brother says 'what if we dont pay it'
and the monk says 'ill train you while you run to loio'
so im like 'dude monks are gay'. but then i remembered that im
a monk, and that didnt really sound good so i asked my brother
if there was a way to erase what i had said, and he said no'
so my brother says 'we shall pay you, and also buff you, so
you can defend this bridge even better'
so i yell 'OMG MIKE WTF ARE YOU DIONG!?!?!?'
and hes like 'can it, bullhorn. if you yell again, im gonna
duck tape your mouth shut'
jezz my brother an his damn duct tape.
so he gives the monk 400p and invites him to the group for
some group buffs. so the monk joins us, and im like 'dude ur
gay, but not ALL monks are gay' so now i felt better about
calling monks gay when i am one
so he like 'whatever suxor. going afk for b-room while you
buff me, brb'
and my brother says 'incoming monk buffs!' and begins to cast
a speel. and promptly turned the monk into a werewolf.
well the guards didnt liek that so much, so they started
attaking him and killed him pretty quick. well he came back to
the keyboard and was like "WTF why am i dead??!!'
and im like 'cause your gay, and the guards dont tolerate that
here in FV.'
and my brothers liek 'dude im SO sorry.. forgot about
illusions getting oyu killed in FV. ill get you a rez'
so we find this 30 cleric whio will rez him, and he gets back
to his corpse after lots of biching about getting a higher rez
and losing exp.
so while he was looting his corpse, mike did it again. it only
took 1 hit to kill the monk this time so im falling off my
chair laughing. and i yell 'mike you are so freakin funny im
peeing in my pant'
well 10 seconds later theres mike standing behind me with duct
tape in hand. dammit.
so i get my mouth taped and hes like 'can you still breath?'
and im liek 'mmhmfmmmh'
and hes like 'that was worth 400p, wasnt it'
and im like 'mmhhmmfmmhmm'
all in all it was a good night. mike was thinking about
logging on his wizard and offering to gate the monk to DL, and
taking him to cobelt scars instead, but we figured he had had
enough.
mike let me take the duct tape off after haf an hour, but by
then my ice cream had melted, so i had to use a straw instead.
like i said, all in all it was a good night.
FUNNY HOW THE WORLD WORKS SOMETIMES, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002.
hey like, my birthday is friday. well my brother and a few of
his friends were talking about what gift to give me, and my
brother mentioned a cof for my monk, or a fungi, whatever that
is
weel then my brother looks over at me playing eq and says 'hey
wait, lets get him a stripper.
OMG WTF?!?
now i KNOW wht a stripper is. i had to use one on the kicthen
walls last summer when my dad and me repainted part of the
house. it doesnt work very well and its not fun AT ALL
so im like 'dude WTF, why would i want a stripper??!!
and my brother and his friends are looking at me funny, and
they say 'umm, stripers are alot of fun, bro. youll understand
when your older'
how can this be?? what do they know that i dont??
well they go outside and do whatever it is college people do,
and i log off eq and decided to give this stripper thing
another chance
so i go down stairs to try to get my dads stripper and
practise with it a bit and see i was missing someting...but i
cant find it anywere
so i call my mom at work and im like 'mom have you seen dads
stripper'
and she says 'what?!'
and im like dad has a stripper, do you know were?'
and she starts breathing heavy and whatever.
so she says 'your father has a STRIPPER?!'
and im like 'chill mom, jezz, ya sometimes he keeps it in the
basement, but i cant find it anywhere'
and my mom is foaming at the mouth and yelling 'SHES BEEN OVER
TO THE HOUSE??!!??'
WTF?!
i never knew this was such a hot topic
and im like 'listen you didnt mind the stripper so much when
you got a new kitchen remodled'
and shes like 'I DIDNT KNOW ABOUT ANY STRIPPER' blah blah
blah... and 'THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON SINCE LAST SUMMER??!!'
so im like 'umm mom ill call ya later of something, jezz'
and shes like 'DONT YOU HANG UP ON...."
so im like 'WTF'
so i go downstairs again and finally find the stripper on the
toolbench
so i bring it up to my bedroom and plug it in and man i must
have gotten bigger and stronger since last summer cause that
striper worked reel good
so there i was peeling perfect stips of paint off my wall, and
im like 'hey this isnt so bad'
so then i decide to write my name, and i do it and im
thinking 'like, my brother was right this is fun haha'
well then the phone rings and its my grandfaather who lives
all the way overr in Britin Engalend.
so he says 'good afternoon son, and how are you?'
and i say 'hey gramps im great im playing with a striper in my
bedroom!'
and he says 'pardon me?'
and im like 'ya, im getting one for my birthday, so i decided
to practise with my dads stripper in my bedroom and i reely
like it'
and he cleared his throught and said 'oh dear'
and im like 'ya at first i didnt like it, but now its really
growing on me'
and he says 'so its growing, is it *ahem* *cough*? ummm, is
your mother there?'
and just then my mom burst through the bedroom door all red
faced and looked at me and looked at the wall and i dropped
the phone and i was thinking 'oh man i am screwed'
and shes like 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!'
and im like 'mom, im playing with dads stripper dont be mad'
and she stops and looks at me again and at the wall, and all
of the sudden she starts laughing and giggling and gave me a
big hug and a kiss on the forhead (ewww) and she wasnt mad
anymore (my dad sure was we he got hom, but thats a different
story)
anyway all the guys at skool think im reely cool now when i
tell them that my mom likes strippers and that im getting one
for my birthday. seems like they all want to come over friday
and play with it too, but i dont think ill let'em.
EASY CASH AND SILLY GIRLS,. by Skater gnome
August 6, 2002
well, like last week i was playing eq at my friends house, and
his sister was like 'hey, quit that and come help me with
something'
so im like 'hey shutup for a sec im almost done beeting a
dervish!'
so she comes over and turns the computer off!!! and im
yelling 'mike!! mike!! your sisters a meanhead!!'
and she says 'mikes gone with my mom to get the dog back from
the vet thats why i need your help'
so im like 'dammit fine then, since i cant play eq anymore'
so we go upstairs and shes like 'help me move my bed to this
side of the room'
so im like 'this sucks'
and shes like 'your a whiner'
and i get mad and im like 'no im not, you are'
anyway, were moving the bed and we get it across the room, and
theres this quarter under the bed
and she picks it up and walks over too me and looks at me for
a sec then whispers in my ear 'i'll bet you this quarter that
i can kiss you without touching you'
so im like 'sweet! thats a free quarter!'
so i say 'you better pay up when you lose'
and she just smiles and gets closer and kisses me right on the
mouth!
then she took my hand and put the quarter in it, looked me in
the eyes and smiled and said 'looks like i lost'
and im like 'dam right, you did'
and she says 'so how was that?'
and i said 'good, you taste like jolly ranchers!'
and she laughed and said 'that would be my lip gloss'
and she said 'im going to go for a swim in our pool, wanna
help me get changed into my bathing suit?'
and i was like 'hell no i have a quarter to spend on some ice
cream, haha, woo-hoo!!'
then i ran out of the room, which took a little while, because
the door had gotten locked somehow.
anyway a bossy cheerleader and her money are easily parted i
guess
THE STAKERS AMONG US, by Skater Gnome
August 6, 2002
omg check this out.
so last night im killing fire beeatles and eating ice and i
get this tell..
slayerr tells you 'your posts on cr forums sucks and u r
stupid'
WTF?!?
i tell slayerr 'dude who are you and wtf?'
slayerr tells you 'im on cr forums and read your posts and
their dumb an u r dumb too dumbface, whos dumb.'
so i say 'dude did you create that character just to log onto
mith marr and taunt me?'
slayerr tells you 'ya sucker you suck and your dumb and im not
and you suck and i dont haha'
so im thinking that slayerr is a loser and a meaniehead.
so my brother is watching TV and i call him into the room and
he reads whats been wroten and he chuckles and he says come
with me.
so my brother logs on his 57 wizard and tells slayerr 'hi
friend and well met!'
slayerr tells him 'who the hell r u n00b'
mykrel (57 Wizard) tells slayerr 'im quitting eq and selling
my 57 wizard for one penny to the person with the coolest
name, and i think you may be the one!'
slayerr tells mykrel 'awesome!!! dude u r cooler than
airsupply!!'
mykrel tells slayerr 'hold on though, there are a few others
who are in the running'
slayerr tells mykrel 'dude comeawn pleeaaase!! I have a cool
name cause im cool and handsome!'
mykrel tells stayerr 'don't go anywhere, in ten minutes i'll
tell you who wins, but your looking really strong right now'
slayerr tells mykrel 'sweet dude u r a studly man, a beautiful
man'
WTF?!?
so my brother looks at me, and i'm like 'ya dude, i dunno what
up with that?'
so my brother waits 10 minutes and watches TV, then he
petitions 'a level 1 player named slayerr keeps bothering my
trying to buy my account for one penny. please take action on
this'
so then my brother tells slayerr 'no i will not sell you my
account, please stop bothering me'
and then slayerr tells him 'DUED WTF YOU SELL ME YOUR ACCOUNT
I WAITED 10 MINUTEDS!!'
and mykrel tells him 'there will be no account selling, it's
against the rules, please stop bothering me'
and slayerr tells him 'bullsh1t dude you can sell it and get
away with it, i do it all the time i have a cleric and warrior
and they are 52 and i bought them off ebay, i get all my
characters off ebay, now sell me your account for a
penny!!!!!!'
then my brother does a /report slayerr, whatever that is.
so slayerr keeps going on and on and on, about how my brother
needs to sell, and that he is NOT cooler than airsupply
anymore.
then he gets another tell..
GUIDE forsythe tells you 'im sorry about all that. slayerr
won't be bothering you or anyone else for awhile, his account
has been suspended and is under review for a ban.
so we log off and eat more ice cream.
then my brother says 'slayerr probably drunk right now,
singing "im all out of love"'
and we had a good laugh and ate ice cream.
I guess what goes around comes around.
"23rd"
I was invisible and running through the Karanas one day when I noticed a young gnome near the gypsy camp. He was fighting a lion and though it looked like he would win the battle, being a fellow gnome, I decided to help the guy out.
I targeted the lion, clicked on my mesmerize spell, then *started* to type: "I'm mesmerizing the lion for you." I got as far as: "I'm " when I remembered that I had replaced my mesmerize spell with an Area of Effect mesmerize spell... and that I was standing next to an NPC enchantress. *Gulp.
My movement keys are mapped to "w a s d" so I frantically stabbed at my keyboard, trying to MOVE and interrupt the spell.
I forgot that I was in typing mode.
The gypsy enchantress didn't like my attempt to mezz her so she promptly charmed me and made me go after the gnome I had been trying to *save*. I watched in horror as my peace-loving character, knife flailing like a crazed sushi chef, chased the little guy down and stabbed him to death.
I found my victim later and apologized profusely... I even gave him a nice weapon and a piece of armor. He was great about it, and laughed when I told him what happened.
He said he didn't know WHAT was going on. One minute he was fighting a lion, the next minute a strange gnome appeared out of NOWHERE, announced: "I'm wwwaaaddd", then sliced him up like Freddy Krueger.
What a Magic Kingdom!!1 by Skater Gnome
April 27, 2004
ok so its no secrit that ive takin a break from eq but latly ive getting some email asking ‘skatr where r u’ and ‘skater why hav u forsaken us’ and even a call one nite at 2am from some dude that was crying and just kept saying ‘skater gnome!!11’ over and over again
sadly u cant dragon punch people in the face over the phone
anyway I miss my eq peeps so much I thougt id just tell ppl what ive been up too latly
ok so last weak my mom says ‘skatr we have a supris for u’
and im liek ‘omg what tel me now’
and shes like ‘just go git in the van’
so I run out to the van and everyon is in there even j-mo!
so I get in and we drive but then we keep driving for like 100 HOURS and im like ‘if the surprise is riding in the van then I don’t want it any more’
so we were reely bored and then j-mo is like ‘hey dude I have silly string’
so we shoot the silly silly string at mom first shes like ‘stop!’ and we’re like ‘hehehe’
so then we shoot it at dad but he didn’t say stop, he just started to pull the car over to the side of the rode
so im thinking he mus not of notice that we shot him so I shot him again and hes like ‘DAM U
KID!!11’
and im like ‘dam is a bad word u lover of innorukk!!1’
well once the car was stopped he proved his dark aligence by performing a ritual of pain that involved his belt and my bottom and maybe just a little bit of crying
and j-mo is laughing and is like ‘dude monks don’t cry’ and im like ‘stfu
so anyway we finely stop the car and mom is like ‘here we are!!1’ and im like ‘yay were at a parking lot how fun!!1’ and my mom is like ‘no son were at Disney world’
so im like ‘wtf is Disney world!1’
and hes like ‘ok’
so we group up and zome into Adventureland
so were creeping along looking at how cool the zone is when suddenly I see 7 gnomes come out of this little hut and behind them is the mos beautiful girl in the world
and im like ‘omg j-mo look its gnomes!!!!1’
and he’s like ‘ya and there visiting with TUNARE!!!”
so im like ‘mong duuuuuude tunare drops the best lewt evar!!!!11 omg lets get it!!!1’
and j-mo is like ‘dude I cant im a druid!”
and im like ‘so what you worship karana!1’
and hes like ‘ya I guess ur rite but we don’t even have any weapons’
and im like ‘well lets go one of these shops and buy gear’
so we jump into one of the Adventureland shops and im like ‘hail a shopkeper’
and the shopkeeper is like ‘welcome to my shop could I interest u in [a plastic bow and suction cup arrow] or [an Indiana jones leater whip]?
so I say ‘what about [a plastic bow and suction cup arrow]?
and he’s like ‘huh’?
and j-mo is like ‘dude u spoke it wrong’
so hes like ‘I would like to purchase [a plastic bow and suction cup arrow] and [a Indiana jones leter whip].
so the shopkeeper smiles and gives us both items and j-mo pays him and im like ‘well done j-mo!’
and hes beams a big smile
and im like ‘omg hey j-mo look theyre trying to beat us to the lewt!!!1’
and hes like ‘OH NO THEY DON’T!!!’
so we go charnging to the gnomes and tunare as fast as we can and I run up to tunare and im like ‘TUNARE SURENDAR 2 US OR FACE CERTAIN DETH!!!1’
but she wasn’t scared at all she just smiled at me and opened up her arms to grap me!!
so right befor she got to me I pulled the bow back and shot an arrow rite to her head BUT IT BOUNCED RIGHT OFF and is tart thinking that maybe I should have conned her before attacking
but she stops coming at me and yells ‘security!’
so j-mos like ‘uh-oh’ and he takes off and im like “COME BAC HERE U COWARDLY DRUID!!11” but then I see tunares guards running toward me in yellow jackets
so take off an im running so fast as I can but tunares guards are catching!!1 up and im weaving and ducking but to not avail!!
so just before I decid to feign deth I see j-mo peeking his head around the corner of haunted manision and im like “SNARE THEM J-MO!!! SNARE!!!!!’ and hes like ‘I CANT!!11 and im like “USE THE SILLY STRING!!1’
so j-mos eyes get all big and he jumps out from behind the corner and screams ‘BY THE POWER OF KARANA!!1’ and shoots the sully string at the guards and omg it reely worked good they slowed down and wiped their faces and eyes and were holaring and yelling mean things
and j-mos like ‘what do we do??!’
and im like ‘lets circle back around and get tunare whil the guards are snared!!’
and hes like ‘ok!” and were all excited
so im running past the 7 gnomes to get to tunare but can you believ it one of the gnomes aggros and grabs me by the shirt and says ‘hey kid not again go get ur parents’
and im liek ‘wtf my beef is not with u gnome cant you see were brothars?!’
and hes like ‘better get your folks kid before security gets here’
and im like ‘listen here grump if ur looking to buy some ass whoop im open ALL DAY LONG’ so then I do round kick!
but for som reson I didn’t lern my leson from tunare and I forgot to con him too before I attacked and before I know it all the gnomes had me pined odwn and im yelling ‘omg wtf how can u betray ur own kind!!!11’
so by that time the yellow coated guards were back and they grap me and taking me to their fortres by the gate on their 4wheeler mounts
so I get there and j-mo has been captured too and we were like ‘omg dude we were so close’
well to make a long story shrot my dad showe dup soon after and performed that dark ritual again and there was some crying and stuff but later that day we got to zone back into adventureland and even though we didn’t see any more high lvl mobs we still had a reely reely good tim
The end
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)